


The Ultimate Weapon?

by BromeliadLucy



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gen, I was going to do smut, Mind Control, POV Female Character, POV First Person, POV Male Character, Psychological Torture, Recovery, Smut, Torture, because I'm a terrible person, but I can't, except a tiny bit, i can do angst though, i didn't mean to but smut happened, so i didn't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-08-26
Packaged: 2018-07-12 13:11:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 55,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7105840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BromeliadLucy/pseuds/BromeliadLucy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Waking up in Stark Tower after years being held by Hydra, you have to find your place in a new world. Can you reconstruct a life after losing your humanity to become the ultimate Hydra weapon?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What the HELL is this?!

**Author's Note:**

> I've never written anything more exciting than a shopping list before, so be gentle with me! I've got the story pretty much plotted up in my head but I'll add chapters a bit at a time.
> 
> There's references to torture (physical and psychological) and all the ensuing trauma. I'm sorry. There'll be fluff and smut in later chapters but none yet.
> 
> Please do let me know if you like it - any comments are really welcome (nice or mean!) - or follow me on Tumblr please and let me know (marvel-lucy on Tumblr) x

Something was different. I concentrated on keeping my breathing light and my eyes closed, so it would look as if I was still asleep, but focussed my senses to try and work out what had woken me up. I could see light through my eyelids – unusual as I was usually kept in the dark but I’d been left in bright light as a form of torture often enough that it wasn’t that. I was lying on something softer than I was used to. No hard metal or concrete floor here, and I was covered with… blankets? I was warm, this was definitely not normal, I had been cold for so very long that I’d forgotten the sheer luxury of warmth. I resisted the urge to stretch out and let my muscles relax in the pleasurable warmth, I needed more data.

My skin felt sensitive, I could almost feel each thread on the pillow – wait, a pillow?! – against my cheek, and it struck me that I was…clean. I’d been hosed down with cold water often enough but I had no memory of that happening recently. I moved my arm slightly and realised that my muscles, although sore, were not bearing the usual pains on moving, the usual agonies of torture. Was that what had woken me? For so long – long enough I had no concept of time – I had been tortured, that to not feel pain was terrifying. Then I heard something move, behind me where I lay on my side and my breathing caught. That was what had woken me, I was not alone. I opened my eyes a slit and looked around, I was in a clean, pale room. The light on my eyelids was from a large window in front of me, with pale green curtains softening the light that was shining through. I hadn’t seen daylight for too long to remember, was this some new form of torture? Moving my eyes around as far as I could, I saw carpet, sheets, and what looked like an IV stand near me – then realised that I could feel a needle in my arm. Nothing new there, I had regular doses of serum when I came too close to death, but this didn’t feel like the icy terror of the serum injections. I heard something behind me again, the shushing of fabric as someone crossed their legs perhaps, and I knew I had to act. 

Faster than a normal human could act, I had rolled out of the bed, grabbing the IV stand and breaking it in half to act as a weapon, pulling the needle out of my arm, and rolling to the corner of the room where I crouched, back against the wall, and faced my companion.

Beside the bed, a man was just standing up, startled, from a chair. He had tangled dark hair and glasses, and was holding a book he’d obviously been reading. He looked afraid as he stumbled over his words, flapping his hands in a ‘calm down’ manner.

‘I’m Bruce… um, hey, it’s OK, I’m not going to hurt you, let’s keep everything calm… hey, um Jarvis, can you let the team know she’s awake?’

He stood there, half in and half out of the chair and watched me. I continued to assess the room. This was new. What was this, suck me in with niceness and gentle treatment so that when they took it away, it would hurt more? They’d have to work harder than that, I was used to that – if I expressed hunger, they took away food; if I expressed thirst, same with water. Without meaning to, I growled in my throat – it had been a long time since I’d spoken, and my throat was often damaged from screaming so I often resorted to animal noises.

The man looked afraid again and peered at the door, perhaps hoping to see a horde of Hydra agents come bursting in ready to restrain me. From nowhere, a voice spoke: ‘Captain Rogers and Mr. Stark are on their way Dr Banner. The rest of the team are currently watching surveillance footage in the board room so as not to overwhelm our guest’. Where the hell had that come from? I scanned the room for anything else I could use as a weapon, there wasn’t much in the room but with sheets to tangle someone in, the wooden chair to break apart, a lightbulb to shatter, there was plenty I could use. I started edging forwards, not quite clear yet if I was going for the man or the door, when the door opened and two more men came in.

One was short-ish, dark haired and with a goatee. The other was tall, blond and very well-built. Instant assessments of the situation took place – take out the two smaller men first, the taller man would be harder to take down, but I had no qualms about my ability. Hydra had yet to find someone I couldn’t best, whether hand-to-hand or mind-to-mind.

The darker man spoke. ‘Ah I see our guest is awake, Jarvis how inconsiderate, we didn’t have a fruit basket ready as a welcome gift. See to it for next time?’. This wasn’t how these things usually went. I felt off-kilter. The lack of pain, the sunlight, the comfort, and now… jokes? Hydra weren’t known for being a laugh a minute.

‘That’s enough Tony’ said the blond man. He stepped forward to wear I was still half-crouched near the wall, frozen by indecision. This wasn’t like me. I stood up straight, holding the broken IV stand weapon-ready. He stopped walking, just outside my reach, and folded his arms. ‘I’m Captain Rogers. Steve. You’re safe here. We’re with SHIELD. Well, we were, I mean, now we’re not because they’re gone, but... Now we’re independent. The Avengers? We rescued… you’. His voice tailed off as I stared at him blankly. ‘Do you speak English?’ I nodded, once, but didn’t relax. Whatever test this was, I had to keep myself ready.

The smaller man kicked the door closed, making us all start, and walked forward. He threw himself on the bed, arms behind his head and grinned. ‘So this is a good start. You’ve weaponised some medical equipment, Cap’s making no sense, Bruce is terrified that something’s going to trigger the big guy, and quite frankly, I have not had enough coffee for this’. He sat up quickly, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. 

All of this had taken just moments since I woke up. I felt bleary, as if I’d been drugged, and was starting to wonder if perhaps I was dreaming all this. A comfortable room, pain medication (I assumed that was what had been in the IV). I realised I was wearing a hospital gown, open at the back, but had long since lost all sense of self-consciousness about nudity. My body was a weapon and clothes were often irrelevant – plus Hydra chose when I was and wasn’t allowed them. I was warm, and nobody was hurting me. The first man was hovering near the chair still, looking concerned. Blond was standing and staring at me. Goatee was sitting on the bed and smiling.

I licked my lips, my mouth was dry. My voice, when I spoke, sounded unfamiliar and gravelly. I knew I’d be punished for speaking without permission, but even so, I spoke: ‘what the hell is this?’. Seconds later, adrenaline kicked in and I’d grabbed the man on the bed before anyone could move, and was holding the jagged end of the IV stand to his throat. My reaction had been so quick that it was only as I stood there that I realised that what had made me jump was him… laughing. The laughing had stopped abruptly as I’d grabbed him, and the two other men were now standing, frozen, unsure what to do. Both had jumped up but my reactions were always faster than anyone else’s and so they were still mid-move when they’d stopped.

I spoke again. ‘What the HELL is this?’


	2. Not a person.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wouldn't have thought 'what's your name' could be such a complicated question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of torture. Sorry.

‘OK, let’s everybody take a moment, shall we?’. This was the man I was holding. He sounded nervous, as you’d expect with a jagged piece of metal against his throat. I kept him in front of me, my arm around him holding him still. The other two men were still frozen on the spot, unsure of what I was going to do. I knew how they felt, I had no clue what to do now. I was used to being given orders, or to being treated like an object; moved from one place to the next, no agency over my own actions. I wasn’t used to warm rooms and conversations.

‘Look, we’re not going to hurt you, I promise. If you just let Tony go, we’ll explain everything’. The first man was running his fingers through his hair and looking anxious. ‘Please, just let him go?’. I moved the metal slightly away from the man’s – Tony’s – throat and spoke. ‘You explain, I’ll stay here.’

The taller man spoke next, looking over at the first man. ‘Bruce, you OK? Do you need to leave?’ The first man – Bruce – shook his head, and the blond spoke again.

‘OK, you hold on to Tony for now if it makes you feel safer and I’ll explain.’ I could feel Tony’s eyes rolling as he said ‘yeah thanks for that Cap!’ 

‘You’ve been held by Hydra. We’re not sure how long for. We knew they were working on another super-soldier programme and we’ve been trying to find their base and shut it down for a year now. Last week, we were able to locate the base, in Siberia. We attacked, and were able to destroy most of their work, and get you out. To be honest, we were expecting more of you, but it looks like you were their only test subject?’ He paused, but I didn’t speak. 

‘OK, well, we have some of their agents in captivity right now, some are dead, some got away. We brought you back to Stark Tower as Tony has access to some of the best medical teams in the world here, plus it’s safe. Hydra can’t get you here. They can’t.’. His eyes looked sincere but I knew this was all part of the test. I still didn’t speak, and he sighed quietly and continued.

‘You’ve been here just over a week now. We’ve treated some of the worst injuries and I know with the serum, you’ll heal up pretty quickly. I know – because I’m the same. I’ve had the serum’. OK, now that made me pause for a moment. Was it a lie? To be honest, he had the size of a super-soldier, but I hadn’t heard that Hydra had any more. 

‘I’m Steve. Steve Rogers. Captain America?’ I looked blank. ‘That’s Dr Bruce Banner, and that’s Tony Stark. Iron Man’. I’d heard of Tony Stark, years back. Millionaire playboy. I didn’t have a clue about Iron Man or Captain America though, what was this guy on about? I hadn’t let my hand drop and still held Tony Stark, if it was him, tightly against me with the weapon to his throat. Then another question from Bruce Banner: ‘can you tell us your name?’

At that, I did falter. My hand holding the weapon dropped slightly – I could see their looks of puzzlement. My heart began to race, something that I usually controlled. I blinked a few times, and my hand dropped again. Why was this affecting me? My brain ran wild, and I didn’t notice that I’d let go of Tony Stark completely until he spun away from me, rubbing at this throat and gulping.

I sat on the bed, one leg on the floor, the other bent; my hand holding the metal pole loose in my lap, as my eyes stared unfocussed at the sheets beneath me. My name? Why was that so hard to remember? Why was I so scared?

Flashes of memory hit me in waves. Strapped down and beaten, a voice saying ‘you are not a person, you are a weapon’ over and over. Faces (family?) crying then gone. Cold water. Injections. More beatings. I didn’t realise that my breath was coming faster and faster and my muscles were starting to twitch. The memories hit me relentlessly: hunger, thirst, cold, beatings. Broken bones and fights. What was my name? I heard a small sob and realised it was from my throat, I was sweating and shivering, what was my name? I remembered the feel of someone’s cheekbone cracking under my fist; the taste of blood in my mouth. What was my name? Being stitched up and bones set, broken teeth and the screams of serum injections….what was my name? I doubled over on the bed, unaware of the concerned faces of the men who now came closer. I remembered being beaten with sticks; electric shocks; needles; rape; wild dogs and snow.

I remembered it all. Everything done to me. Taken as a child, turned into a weapon. But I couldn’t remember my name. I wasn’t a person, I was a weapon. Created to be the most powerful weapon Hydra had ever made. Not a person. Created in violence and torture, to break the mind. Not a person. Violence had been found to be the most effective way to increase the serum’s effects. Not a person.

I blacked out.


	3. Of showers, socks, and surprise attacks.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It would be too easy to succumb to the pleasures on offer - carpets and socks - but there's no trust on either side yet.

I woke up, again in a light room on a soft bed. This time it seems less startling but I’m still not sure why I’m here. I’m waiting for Hydra to appear and take it all away, although I’m desperate to believe I’m free. I look around, and this time I’m alone, although I’m certain there’s surveillance equipment in the room somewhere. I’m used to being watched so that doesn’t bother me, so I take the time to enjoy my surroundings. I stretch out, feeling the kinks in my neck and back ease, a sheer joy. Tiny pleasures like pillows and stretching seem so important. They may well be taken away so I’m damn well going to enjoy them while I’m here. 

I get out of bed and wriggle my toes in the carpet. The skin on my feet feels ticklish at the softness as I walk, but I school my face to blankness, I don’t want to give too much away to any watchers. There are two doors in the room. I know that one leads out – it was where Tony and Steve had come in – so I put it out of my mind for now. I approached the other door, my training kicking in. I stood to one side and then kicked it open, hard, catching it as it rebounded. A swift glance had shown me a bathroom, which caused my bladder to remind me why I’d woken in the first place. I was weapon-less but that didn’t bother me, my training was more than enough to take down anyone so far. Nonetheless, I entered carefully. I knew there was no-one behind the door, or they’d have been caught when I kicked it. Quickly entering the small room, I took in its emptiness, nowhere to hide here. All the basics for a bathroom, I quickly checked through cupboards – toiletries, towels – and looked for any hidden surprises. Nothing. I turned back towards the door and saw something that surprised me more than anything else so far. A lock. Not a strong one, to be fair, but a lock. I could, if I wanted, lock the door and be alone. Be private. I had no memory of when I was last allowed to make a choice, and to choose my own personal space. It would only take a strong shoulder charge to open the locked door but the idea of choosing to lock myself somewhere was intoxicating. I reached over and turned the key, then breathed out deeply.

Attending to my bladder, which was making its presence felt, was the first course of action. Then I stood, looking at the shower. I knew I was clean, someone had cleaned up my cuts and abrasions, and given me a basic wash, but my hair was greasy and my body felt dirty. This wasn’t a new sensation – my body was kept relatively clean to prevent sores and infections, but it was a matter of hosing down with cold water and little care. This shower looked… nice. It confused me. I was slightly scared at the idea of using it and yet some hidden part of my mind had a sense-memory that suggested showers were pleasant. My hand reached out and turned it on. Within seconds, the room was steaming up and I felt a shiver at the thought of the warmth. I removed the hospital gown, and stepped in. My knees almost gave way at the sensation, so I sat on the floor of the shower and let the water rain down on me. I lost track of time as I felt my body warm up and tensed muscles relax, but gradually I came back to an awareness of the danger I was in. Showing that I was enjoying something? Sitting, naked, in a shower? Too many vulnerabilities were being revealed here, physical and mental. I stood, washed my hair and body quickly, and stepped out. I dried myself, more roughly than I probably needed, to try and over-ride the relaxation my muscles felt. I found a toothbrush and paste in a cupboard and cleaned my teeth, then let myself give in to the sensation again and cleaned them four more times, enjoying the freshness and mintiness, before I gave myself a mental shake. I was spitting blood by now so it was probably as well to stop anyway. I took a deep breath, and unlocked the door…

…to find my room was now occupied. Even as my conscious mind recognised Bruce and Steve, my unconscious mind merely recognised ‘threat’ and I used my mind to send out a forcewave that knocked them both of their feet, skidding them back towards the wall where they slumped, breathing heavily. This had taken mere seconds since I stepped out of the bathroom, my reflexes always sharp, but at the same time as I sent the wave out, I retracted it. These two weren’t a threat, so far. I stood, waiting, to see what would happen next.

Bruce and Steve groaned themselves back to standing, both staring at me fearfully. I didn’t speak, I had nothing to say. I had perceived a threat and my training had caused me to react. That was what I was made for. Even so, a small whisper in my mind suggested that attacking the people who had so far treated my wounds and hey, given me toothpaste, was perhaps unwise.

Bruce and Steve were now upright and neither seemed to know what to do next. I was still standing, naked, outside the bathroom, from where steam was still billowing out. We all stared at each other, waiting for someone to make the next move. When it came, it surprised me. The door to the outside was flung open and a man and a woman can smashing in, the man grabbing at me and knocking me to the floor even as I turned to fight back. I sent out another mind wave which made the woman stagger, but she quickly recovered and both she and the man attacked, while I fought back. We were evenly matched, which surprised me, but we weren’t to find out who would win as a voice cut through our silent fight.

“BUCKY! Nat! It’s OK. We’re OK. STAND DOWN”. The voice came from Steve and caused both my attackers to hesitate. I dropped into a defensive pose, not trusting their pause, as Steve spoke again. “It’s OK. Bruce and I are fine, right Bruce? I think we just startled her”. He looked at me quizzically but I didn’t respond. The two newcomers looked at me suspiciously but stood back. I waited a moment then straightened, and moved back slowly until my back was against a wall, keeping all four within my sight.

We stood, all five of us, watchful, for a few seconds more, until Steve spoke up again. “Um… you’re naked”. I realised he was trying to keep an eye on me without actually looking at me, and was going gradually redder in the face. Hydra weren’t keen on clothes, they just got damaged, got in the way, and gave comfort, so they rarely allowed me any. But now, with eyes on me that suggested I should feel embarrassed or ashamed, I felt unsettled.

“I have no clothes”, I said, flatly. The woman – Nat or Bucky? – sighed and left the room, calling “I’ll get something” over her shoulder. The man who had attacked me folded his arms and scowled. I think we would have stood there indefinitely if Bruce hadn’t sighed and sat down in the chair, dragging his fingers through his hair and looking at the floor. “I’m sorry we startled you, we should have knocked, or let you know we were here, or… something”. He paused, then looked up, keeping his eyes carefully on my face and pinking up slightly. “So, you… you have mental… abilities?”. I nodded. “And you were able to keep Bucky and Nat at bay.” He started to look excited, saying “I really want to get you up to the lab, test what you can do”, then paused again, perhaps sensing my anxiety rising. Here it was then. Testing in a lab. I was used to that with Hydra. It involved pain. My relaxation had caught me out, I should have known.

“Hey, no, woah, it’s, not, no…” Bruce stammered, waving his hands about again, agitated. “Not testing, like a lab rat or something, no, I just mean, it’d be great to find out what you can do. How fast you can run, how hard you can hit, that’s all. Shit, sorry, I guess that came out wrong”. 

I didn’t relax again. I wasn’t about to start trusting any of these people. And by the look on his face, the attacker wasn’t about to trust me either. At that moment, the woman came back, with a bundle of clothes, which she put on the end of the bed. “The rest of you, out” she said, without looking at the men, who all shuffled out. The man paused as he passed her, and I heard him mutter “I don’t think you should be alone with her” but she gave him a look from under lowered eyebrows and he left, pulling the door shut behind him.

I waited. I hadn’t been ordered to do anything yet, and I wasn’t under threat, so I waited. She was about my height, slim but muscly, with red hair. I knew from our brief fight that she was well trained, although I didn’t doubt that I could break her neck easily if I needed. She stared me down but then sighed in an amused fashion, and said “look, get dressed will you? Steve didn’t know where to put his eyes”. I moved towards the bed and picked up the clothes. Underwear, jeans, long-sleeved t-shirt, socks. I left the socks off, slipping over wasn’t recommended in a threat situation. I could see her watching me reject the socks, and knew she understood why. She spoke, “I don’t know your shoe size, I’ll find you something once I do – Jarvis, can you do a body scan so we have all the measurements?’ 

I stood again, waiting, but internally revelling in the sensation of warmth and texture against my skin. Part of me desperately wanted to put the socks on, imagining the sensation of softness on my feet, but I resisted and contented myself with subtly rolling my toes in the pile of the carpet. Throughout this, the woman kept her eyes on me, then without breaking eye contact, she called over her shoulder “OK guys” and the three men returned. They brought chairs with them, and sat in a rough circle near the bed. I stood, waiting for a command, until finally the woman looked at me and said “sit, will you?”. I sat on the edge of the bed, keeping my distance, and listened.


	4. A little more conversation, a little less action...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everyone sits around and has a nice chat. About torture, and serums, and identity.

“So, let’s start again, this hasn’t gone so well today”. Steve spoke. He was sitting in a chair, one ankle crossed on the other knee, happy to look at me now I was dressed. Bruce was sitting, elbows on knees, running his fingers through his hair again. The other two sat, arms folded, and watchful. I could see they were ready to spring at the slightest movement.

“You’re safe here. SAFE. I mean it. Hydra can’t get you here. I know you have no reason to trust us, but I hope we can earn your trust. And we can, well, start to trust you. We know you’re powerful, and we know you’ve been tortured. We want to find out who you are, help you get a life back. I’ll tell you everything I can, everything we know, and then maybe, is there anything you can tell us?”

I looked at them all. I had so many questions I wanted to ask, but I didn’t dare speak out, I’d learnt long ago not to speak, but I decided to risk it. I meant to ask just one question but I opened my mouth and words flooded out.

“Where am I? Who are you? What do you want with me? Why didn’t you leave me to die? I’m a liability, you can’t trust me” I stopped. I had rarely said so many words at once and I cringed at the possibility of punishment.

None came though, and this time Bruce spoke. “OK, reasonable questions! We’re in New York, Stark Tower, this is the Avengers base” He must have seen my blank look. “You haven’t heard of the Avengers? Just as well Tony’s not here, he’d be mock-offended” He gave me a small smile, but sighed when I didn’t respond.   
“Well, maybe that tells us how long you’ve been hidden from the world. You’ve got a lot of catching up today, but hey, we got you up to speed on 70 years right Cap?” He smiled at Steve, who gave a small smile back. I could see they were trying to break the tension with humour but with the other two poised to kill, it was going to take more than some jokes I didn’t understand.

He sighed again. “OK. So as we told you, we found you, just over a week ago, in Siberia. Hydra has one of its largest bases there – or had, it’s gone now. We found records of their super soldier programme down there, Tony and Jarvis are working on them now, trying to find out who you are and what they wanted with you. It seems like there were others down there at some point but you were the last to survive”. He looked at me questioningly, and I nodded. I remembered some of the others. I remembered what had happened to them. I remembered what I’d been made to do to some of them. They were all dead now.

He continued. “We’re not going to be able to fill everything in in one afternoon, but we’re the good guys” He smiled again. “The Avengers Initiative – everyone living here is one of the team. We’ve all got special… skills. Abilities. And we go after Hydra. That’s the short version, I guess.”

Steve spoke next. “As to who we are, well. I’m Steve Rogers. I was the first person treated under the super-soldier programme, back in, well, a long time ago. I’m enhanced, like you, although Hydra used a…different… method to bring out your powers”. He looked at me, then away, he seemed afraid to meet my eyes when talking about torture.

“This is Bruce Banner. He’s a scientist – one of the best – and has, well, another side that we don’t need to go into. As you heard, Bruce is desperate to find out just what your powers are like, but only when you’re ready, and only what you’re comfortable with”. This startled me. I wasn’t used to choice or free will. That would be something to think about when I was next alone.

Steve then nodded at the man sitting watchfully nearby. “This is Bucky. Sgt. James Buchanan Barnes. He’s serum-enhanced too”. This made sense, he’d been a good match for me in the fight. “And this is Nat. Natasha Romanov. Not enhanced, but, well…” He paused and Nat spoke up “I’m damn good in a fight and I look great in leather, right Steve?” She winked, it seemed as if all three of them were keen to defuse the tension while Bucky was quite happy for it to remain.

Steve smiled and Bruce sat back, relaxing a bit now that nobody was attacking anyone else, and carried on speaking. “Then you’ve got Tony Stark, also known as Iron Man, and there’s a few others who live here when they’re not out on missions – Sam Wilson and Wanda Maximoff are both off-base at the moment. Pepper runs the place… and Jarvis you’ve met – anything you need, just ask Jarvis”. I looked blank, I hadn’t met anyone else that I remembered, when a voice spoke from…nowhere.

“Good evening, I am Jarvis, Mr. Stark’s artificial intelligence. If you require anything, please feel free to simply ask and I will be happy to provide”. I was proud of the fact I didn’t jump when the voice spoke, even though my heart did, and I’m pretty sure I saw Bucky smirk knowingly. 

I took a breath, and asked the question I really wanted answering: “And what do you want with me? Why am I here?” I stared into Bruce’s eyes, but it was Steve that answered. “Once we knew that our intel was right, and Hydra were experimenting with the super-serum again, we had to shut them down. We’re not sure how long they’d been working on it until we got word of it, but we’ve spent a year searching for their base. This was top-secret, highly-classified, need-to-know and finding it was hard. Once we did find it, and saw…what was going on, we had to get you out. We don’t want anything from you – what you do once you’re healed is up to you – but we’d like to help you figure out who you are, and what you want, and maybe you’ll want to join us after that. If not, Tony can set you up with a new life out there somewhere”.

My breath caught in my throat. What I do is up to me? I felt my hands clenching in the bedsheets and willed them to relax but I know they’d all seen. So they were willing to just let me walk out? Surely that was a trap, and yet I wanted to believe them.

Steve continued. “First things first, we need to get you healed up. Serum-wise, it won’t take long. If you let Bruce evaluate you, he’ll be in your debt forever, and it’s hard to resist those puppy dog eyes, right?” He smiled at me, perhaps misunderstanding my tension. “Jarvis and Tony are trying to work out who you were. Who you are, I mean. We’ve got DNA from your blood work; images that Jarvis has retroed, to see what you looked like younger; dental images although to be honest, most of your teeth were broken when you got here – we’ll get you to the dentist as soon as…” I could see him thinking ‘as soon as we don’t think you’ll bite his fingers off’, which made me smile. This obviously gave him some hope and he asked the question that made me tense up yet again. “Is there ANYthing you can tell us, that might help us figure out your identity? Do you remember any names, faces, heck, we don’t even know which country you’re from”?

My mind skittered away from thoughts of my identity. It was as if I was born only when Hydra found me and started their work. I knew there was a me before Hydra, but who it was seemed lost. Occasional flashes appeared in my brain and were gone as soon as I tried to look at them: faces that felt familiar but without any idea who they were; a house with a tree in the garden; a cat stalking through some grass, hunting a butterfly. But when Hydra decided that I needed to be broken, they did a good job.


	5. Molegirl? Really Tony?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which she finally gets to leave her room, after four chapters!
> 
> And then goes back in again.
> 
> And gets a nickname. A really crappy one.

I was starting to feel safe, and that frightened me. I’d been here a couple of weeks now, and nothing bad had happened. No Hydra agents had burst through the door to take away all the good stuff – I was starting to envisage it like some kind of prank or maybe a Candid Camera show. ‘Hey, you thought you were safe and well, think again!’ Cue canned laughter…

I hadn’t left my room yet. I was finding the idea of freedom, and free will, hard to grasp. How long had it been since anyone had let me make up my own mind? So even though I was theoretically allowed to leave – nobody had told me explicitly that I could, or couldn’t – I hadn’t made it out yet. Truth be told, I was scared. But I was also starting to get cabin fever. Not from the lack of space, or food, or clean clothes, or any other luxury I felt like asking Jarvis for (so far, nothing. I couldn’t start to think of things I might want. Wanting was another thing I had trouble with). But I was serum-enhanced, and used to physical exertion, whether through training, fighting or pain, and sedentary didn’t agree with me. 

I’d taken to pacing the room. It was a good size but you can’t get up much of a turn of speed walking around four walls, and it had been noticed. Jarvis had informed me that there was a gym in the building, Tony had told me Bruce had a lab if I wanted to start my assessments. Steve had mentioned a communal living area. Bucky had scowled, and, I suspect, thought about telling me if I didn’t like it I could leave. We weren’t getting on well.

But I didn’t do anything. I kept pacing, like a caged animal. Because once I stepped out of that door, I’d have to … live. And that scared the hell out of me. I’d have to make decisions and act and engage with people and be a person again. I wasn’t a person; I was a weapon. But. But, just what if I was to become a person again. How would I do that? I still didn’t even know my name.

Then one day, after another morning spent pacing and biting my nails and frowning and muttering to myself, Tony knocked and came in. “Right, you’ve been wearing down my expensive carpet for plenty long enough, you need to get out of the room now. I have this amazing building and quite frankly, my ego needs to show it off to you, out you come”. And with that, he took my elbow, ignored my muscles tensing against him, and through sheer force of personality, propelled me out of the door.

Into a corridor. Dramatic, I know. A long, wideish corridor, with some other doors in it. My heart was still racing though, this was something new. A CORRIDOR. Sheesh. At that point, my training kicked in, in response to my anxiety, and I decided to act as if I was being commanded. I let Tony lead me along the corridor, telling myself this was his choice, not mine, and towards an elevator. As we walked along, we went past a large window, looking out over New York, and I realised just how high up we were, as we looked down on the nearest skyscrapers. I also realised that ‘outside’ scared the hell out of me, more so even than corridors. Or rather, I worked that out an hour later, after Tony and Steve had manhandled me back into my room in the middle of a panic attack, and sat with me while I hyperventilated, shook, sweated, and threw up.

“So, that went well then?” Tony said. I could hear the guilt behind the humour, did he think he’d caused this? And why on earth would he care? I wasn’t used to consideration for my feelings.

“Not you” I said, breathless and shaking. “Outside. So big. I can’t look at it. I can’t go out there. I can’t…” Steve grabbed my hand and looked at me “hey, it’s OK, keep breathing, look into my eyes, you’re inside, you don’t need to start panicking again, it’s OK”. I struggled to take control of my breathing but managed not to subside into the panic again.

“So you haven’t opened your curtains since you got here then?” Tony looked quizzically at me. I shook my head. I hadn’t – something in me had just liked to keep the curtains shut and stay in the one room. I hadn’t analysed why I felt like that, but now I realised that the world outside terrified me.

“I guess it makes sense in a way. We don’t know how long you were with Hydra, but we know it was years, and you were underground pretty much that whole time. We brought you to Stark Tower when you were unconscious, so you wouldn’t have seen the outside. Why are we surprised to find you’re agoraphobic?”

I flushed, and looked down. I was a weapon. We weren’t supposed to have emotions, or fears. All that training and I was scared of the outside world? What use was I to anyone if I couldn’t fulfil my missions? I knew I’d been created for a particular target, and although I’d been taken on missions, I was generally transported in the back of a lorry, from one building to another, so hyped up on serum and pain that I wasn’t taking in my surroundings anyway, if I saw them in passing. Now that my brain was clear of torture, it turned out that I wasn’t exactly functional. I felt ashamed. What was the point of me? Why had they bothered to rescue me? 

Tony must have picked up on my feelings, I guess my posture gave it away. Following the panic attack, I didn’t have the mental energy right now to maintain the blank exterior. “Hey, it’s not a problem. This is a big building, no need to go outside any time soon – it’s winter anyway, why go outside when there’s plenty of heat in here, right? Hey, Jarvis, can you arrange to darken the window in any area that… damn what are we going to call you?... this young lady goes past?”

Jarvis spoke from the wall, “Absolutely sir, all the windows contain electronically controlled tints set to adjust to the sunlight, it will be no difficulty to adjust them to dark to prevent seeing outside”. 

I was grateful, I was. I hadn’t been hurt in weeks, I was being fed and cared for, and was warm and safe, but the thought of spending my life as an unknown person, unable to face the world, well, that got to me. “Great. I’m going to be living like a mole. The first mole to live thousands of feet above the ground. AGH”. I let out a grunt of disgust and unhappiness and tried not to let any tears show. Weapons don’t cry.

“Well hey, we don’t know what to call you, I’m going to go with Molegirl for now then. Embrace your quirks Moley!” Tony said with his usual level of ridiculous enthusiasm, so much so that I couldn’t help but smile. I leant my head back against the wall and sighed. I was exhausted after my anxiety attack, but exhaustion had never been allowed as a valid excuse before. I heaved myself up, refusing to give up and be afraid. I was damn well going to walk down that corridor today at the very least.

And I did. Weapons don’t bend and break under the sight of some sunshine. Admittedly, Jarvis darkened the windows so I didn’t see the sunshine, but weapons don’t have fears, and so I had to face mine. I walked ahead of Tony and Steve down the corridor, with Jarvis darkening the windows and raising the light levels as we went along. I’d have to deal with this properly one day – I couldn’t be much use as a tool if I could only do missions that stayed within Stark Tower – but nobody was torturing me except myself. Although I walked straight backed (ignoring Tony’s constant stream of ‘look at the little Moley scuttling!’ comments), inside I could hear the voices of Hydra agents that I’d long since internalised. ‘You are WEAK. You cannot be WEAK. Worthless, useless, failure’. I dug my nails into my palms and chewed the inside of my cheeks unconsciously, echoing the pain that Hydra had long since inflicted on me if I ever let them down.

I made it to the elevator. It wasn’t that exciting. 

What came next was – for everyone else, at least.


	6. Testing, testing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to find out a little bit what she's capable of, and maybe start to win over Bucky.

Once we’d got into the elevator, Tony turned to me and asked where I wanted to go. I found the idea of choice complicated, but I remembered that Bruce had wanted to evaluate me, and that felt close to a command – someone else’s wish, not mine. “I have to go to Bruce’s lab. He wants to test me.” I could see Steve frowning at that; I wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t like the idea of testing me, or didn’t like that I was doing what someone else wanted but he kept silent.

“You heard the Moley, Jarvis – to the lab!”. The elevator moved so smoothly I was barely aware we’d changed floors until the doors opened and we stepped into a vast lab. The windows darkened as I stepped in, causing Bruce to look up and say ‘Hey, Jarvis, what are you…’ then stop when he saw us. Tony quickly spoke, “long story, explain later, I’ve brought you a treat, ta da!” and he gestured at me dramatically. I rolled my eyes, something I’d never have dared a few weeks ago, but somehow Tony seemed to bring it out in anyone who was around him long enough.

Bruce jumped out of his seat, nearly spilling his coffee in his excitement. He stumbled over his words, “hey, ok, so are you here, so, I mean, can I evaluate, I guess, if you are OK with that, I mean…”. He trailed off, embarrassed and quickly took off his glasses and started polishing them on his shirt. Tony and Steve both looked at me, waiting for a response.

“You said I had to be evaluated, so I am here for that” I said, and watched Bruce’s face light up. He grinned at Tony, who grinned back, and they started talking over each other and at each other, about tests and measures and all sorts, completely ignoring me in their excitement. Steve smiled and said “we may as well sit down, they’ll be conspiring for a while before they remember to actually do anything”.

I sat down on a nearby chair and took the opportunity to examine the lab. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this. A huge space, full of computers, equipment and goodness-only-knows what, the space had vast windows (now blacked out) and behind a glass screen, what looked like a training room. Much of the equipment looked almost like instruments of torture and yet I didn’t get the tense feeling in my chest here that I’d used to have at Hydra’s base. I was starting to believe that nobody here wanted to hurt me. I couldn’t decide how I felt about that yet.

Tony and Bruce came bustling back over, talking a mile a minute, until eventually Steve held up a hand and laughed “one at a time gents?!”. Tony and Bruce looked at each other, then Tony turned to me. “OK, we know you’ve been serum-enhanced. Do you know anything about what abilities have been enhanced? We know you’re fast, and you heal fast, and you’re strong, and you have mind powers… ok so we know basically you’re unstoppable, Moley. Anything else we should know about?”

I shrugged. “I was made to be the ultimate weapon. I’m fast, strong, agile. I fight, I run, I kill. I have enhanced mind powers and brain functions. There’s nothing I can’t do. I’m a weapon”. Saying it out loud hurt. I could feel their fear, feel them looking at me differently. Maybe they didn’t even believe me, but once they’d evaluated me they’d see that I was a threat. An inhuman danger. Then maybe they would want to hurt me after all.

Steve put his hand on my shoulder, and I tried (unsuccessfully) not to flinch. “I understand. It’s hard to be different, right? You, me, and Bucky, we’re all enhanced. You and Bucky have a lot in common, you know; how you were made, how you were treated. I hope you can find some comfort in knowing you’re not alone”. Internally, I tried to imagine ‘Bucky’ and ‘comfort’ in the same sentence and failed. Bucky might have a lot in common with me, but that just made him distrust me more.

There was an uncomfortable silence for a moment, then Bruce coughed, obviously desperate to get on, and said “so, let’s get some baseline measures, OK? See what you can do?” I nodded, and within seconds he was wiring me up – heart monitors, oxygen monitors, muscle measures, goodness only knows what else – and trying to politely urge me towards the screened off gym area. Walking through the glass doors, Bruce led me to a treadmill, and said “we’ll start easy, see how far and how fast you can run”. Behind me I heard Tony say “Jarvis, you’re recording right? And can you tell the team they might want to watch this?”, and I started to run.

And I ran. And ran. And ran some more. I’d have been bored except I was so used to following orders that I just zoned out and did what I was told. I was vaguely aware of other people coming into the room behind me but I didn’t turn to see. I’d been told to run so I did. What I didn’t realise was that I was sprinting, and had been for 40 minutes, flat out, before Bruce said ‘OK, so I guess we know you can run then…’ and slowed down the treadmill. I stepped off, my breathing only slightly heavier than normal, and turned to see the whole team watching. They’d pulled some exercise mats down and were lying on them, leaning up against each other and against the walls. There were two new members I’d only met once before – Wanda and Sam – Nat, Steve, Pepper, and even Bucky was watching me.

“Heart rate only elevated by 3% Tony. You owe me $10” Bruce said, much to Tony’s disgust. “You’ve cost me, Moley. Next time I’m betting on you, not against you”, he said with a smile.

I stood and waited for my next order. “Ok…” I could see Bruce pondering “OK, you say you’re strong? Let’s go with weights”. Tony crowed with glee, “oh I know how to make this more fun! Cap, you ready to be tested? You two compete! Oh I genuinely don’t know who to cheer for – Jarvis, do we have any pompoms?” 

Steve looked awkward, as awkward as I felt. “Hey, this isn’t a competition Tony, c’mon…” but the team started egging him on with taunts of “you scared Cap?” and “he’s feeling his age” until, red-faced, he gave me a half-smile and stepped forward to the weights.

Within twenty minutes the half-smile had gone, replaced with a look of determination. We took it in turns to lift heavier and heavier weights. He was strong. Very strong, serum-enhanced strong. I knew (I’d been reading up on the internet) that he’d been injected and then exposed to Vita-Rays. At the time, that was the best option for activating the serum. In the years since, Hydra had perfected a new technique. The serum was created to make a super-soldier, a weapon. And weapons needed to be forged, not bathed in sunshine. Experimenting on a number of different people over the years, including Bucky it seemed, gradually Hydra had worked out the winning combination. Repeated doses of serum, coupled with severe pain, was the way to create an unstoppable force. Mental and physical pain released adrenaline, stress hormones; fear wiped memories; broke will; and coupled with the serum, was the most effective way to create the most effective soldier. Me. Most of their test subjects hadn’t survived but for reasons I didn’t yet understand, I did. I wasn’t sure if that made me really lucky, or really unlucky.

I didn’t think I’d beat him, I knew I was at the top of my game for a lot of things, but I was still smaller than Steve. Eventually, we both quit, breathing heavily. I knew he could have gone on to lift more, but at 900lbs, I’d had enough. My power didn’t just lie in strength or speed, but in everything, combined. I had fighting ability, telekinetic powers, agility, speed, strength. I looked over at the team, who’d stopped cheering and giggling a while back and started taking this seriously. At that point, I wished I didn’t have any of these abilities. I didn’t like being different.

The atmosphere in the lab had changed over the last test, and now people wanted to see what I could do. Bruce and Tony were talking quietly in a corner, pouring over a computer screen as they analysed results. Steve patted me on the back and went to get some water. I simply stood. I didn’t belong and the more tests they did, the more they’d see that and regret inviting me in. But since I couldn’t leave the Tower, and I found it impossible to resist commands, I still just stood there.

“You OK for another test?” Bruce asked and I nodded. At that point, Nat stood up. “Agility and fighting? Well that’d be me then” she smiled. I could feel the tension rise. Up until now, I’d been merely testing myself against equipment. Nobody trusted me enough to let me test myself against one of the team. But Natasha was, well, Natasha, and she made her own rules.

Steve passed me a bottle of water and I took a gulp as Bruce removed all the monitoring wires from me, and the team moved back around the walls, leaving a padded space in the centre of the room. I set down my bottle, and walked into the middle of the mat, watching Nat carefully. From what I’d read, she was one of the best – no, THE best. An assassin, a gymnast, enhanced with a Russian serum, martial artist. She’d had a hell of a lot more years training than me too. I wasn’t worried. I knew I could hold my own, even if I couldn’t win. I could destroy anyone ‘normal’ but the Avengers were anything but.

Nat attacked quickly, no pacing around here, and we fought, long and hard. We were both gymnastic, able to flip and roll and kick. Neither of us pulled our punches and we both dodged as often as we got hit. We were pretty evenly matched although I suspected if we carried on, she’d win eventually. I had the feeling she knew that too, but I’m not sure if it was obvious to everyone else. Suddenly, I was aware of movement behind me. A voice – Bucky’s voice – said “well let’s make this interesting then” and I sensed him about to attack. I could hear the rest of the team shouting at him that this wasn’t fair and to stop, but I could sense his animosity, his distrust of me, and also an interest to see how far I could be pushed. 

I couldn’t consciously read minds, but I could pick up on emotions and sensations, which gave me the warning that he was about to attack. As I felt him behind me, I flipped over backwards, landing on his shoulders, then continuing over, pulling him down as I went. He fought back, and Nat stepped back, relinquishing the floor. I could feel the adrenaline rush through my muscles and hooked my foot behind her knee, pulling her back in and ducking so that Bucky lunged over my head. “Both of you” I grinned.

We fought like that for another ten minutes, me against the two of them. In some ways it was easier for me, I didn’t have to watch out to make sure I didn’t hit the wrong person, but they had obviously trained together for some time, and worked in synchrony to pen me in and attack. My blood was rushing and my training had taken over, I was finding it harder to think of them as ‘Nat and Bucky’ and was seeing them as ‘missions’. We were evenly matched, but after a few more minutes, Nat managed to twist me over as Bucky hit me from the side and I fell, with both of them crashing on top of me and pinning me down. I could still feel my heart racing with some kind of blood lust and knew I couldn’t let them win. Although I knew this was training, my Hydra training had been brutal and bloody and to the death, and I was finding it hard to override my instincts to win at any cost. Both giving in to, and fighting my instincts, I used my mind powers to lift them both off me, fling them at the wall, and pin them there, as I stood up. My training was saying ‘finish them’ while I fought it off with the part of me saying ‘friends’, a word I’d need to consider.

I stood on the mat, muscles throbbing, and stared at the two of them struggling ineffectually on the wall, when suddenly my concentration was disturbed by the sound of clapping. “Oh bravo Moley!” Tony said, and the irritation of the name along with the sound of his voice fought through the instincts and brought me back to reality. I let Nat and Bucky slide to the floor where they sat, both out of breath and glaring at me.

“So I think we can assume that you’re fast, strong and a damn good fighter then Little Mole. Maybe not as strong as Cap or as deadly as Nat but in combination, adding in those mind tricks of yours, and you’re going to be pretty near unstoppable then!” Tony seemed to see this as exciting, but to me it was just a confirmation of my difference. I’d forgotten though, that everyone here was different, and while I stood and let Bruce draw some blood from my arm, and have me breathe into tubes and monitor me again, I was surprised by Bucky approaching me. We’d barely spoken since I arrived and I knew he didn’t trust me, but he quietly spoke. “You’re good. I know what you’ve endured to get that good. I can see it in your eyes. I thought you were going to kill us – you could have done – but you held it back. I’m sorry I didn’t trust you before. These are my friends, and I’ve had to fight hard to be able to say that.” He paused, then spoke again. “If you need to talk, about Hydra, or… anything, I’ll listen”.


	7. Aftermath of testing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter as I've been away! Just a follow up between the testing, and some big news coming...

I shut myself into my head after that. I let Bruce finish his tests – I could sense he was eager to do much more but I shut down and didn’t co-operate, so he took off the monitors and drew the blood and then left me alone. Gradually, the Avengers left the lab, some patting me on the back as they went, chatting to each other about my abilities, about dinner, about their latest missions and their evening plans. I went through the motions of nodding and giving small smiles but I was locked inside my head, keeping myself shut down until I could be alone. Eventually Bruce sat back down and seemed to forget I was there, muttering to himself as he replayed videos of my tests and evaluated results. I let out a small breath and tried to will my muscles to move, to get me out of there, when I sensed someone watching me. 

I hadn’t seen Bucky, still sitting in a corner of the lab, darkened now by the window’s shade. He hadn’t left when the others did, and now he approached me. “You need to get back to your room? You need help?” I nodded, unsure I’d be able to speak at the moment. I was scared by my reaction during the tests, the realisation that I could kill, the clear memory of the times I had killed, and then, despite all that – no, because of all that – the acceptance from these people, especially this one man who had distrusted me the most. My brain was running high on adrenaline from the fight, and on confusion.

He didn’t touch me. I was glad of that. Touch wasn’t comfortable. He just stood, watching and waiting. He looked as if he’d stand there all night if that was what it took. He had the patient, inert look of a Hydra assassin that I recognised, able to stand still and silent for as long as it took. Jerkily, I moved forward, slowly at first then trying not to break into a run once I’d started. I needed to be somewhere smaller and safe. I was vaguely aware of Bruce looking up at the sound, noticing we were still in his lab and smiling, muttering ‘thanks’ even as he turned back to his computer, and then I was in the elevator. My senses were overloaded by now after weeks of one room, to have been out and about, and I wasn’t aware of Bucky taking control, asking Jarvis to take us back to my floor, supporting me along the corridor, and into my room, then firmly shutting the door and sitting me down, in a corner. I was too far gone into a panic attack now to notice his touch but as I felt the wall against my back I came to my senses, and realised what he’d done. Instinctively he’d known I needed to be safe, and he’d put me in a corner where I had sight of the doors but not of the windows, where I had my back safe and nobody could come at me from behind. I was sitting down, arms wrapped around my knees. I lowered my forehead to my knees, breathed out, and shut down.

\---

I was used to locking myself into my head. Long periods of inactivity, starvation or pain needed a locked room in my head to retreat to. I don’t know how long I sat there before I came back to my senses. I was stiff – muscles unused to movement over the last few weeks had just been given a good workout; I was chilled by the sweat drying on my skin; I was thirsty. None of these was enough to give me pause, I’d dealt with far worse, but perhaps I’d been softened by the last few weeks of gentle treatment, and they drew my awareness back into the room. 

I looked up. Bucky was sitting in a chair against the far wall – not between me and the door – and watching me. He nodded as he saw me move, and spoke. “You need to stretch your muscles and shower or you’ll be no use. I’ll get you food while you do that”. I was glad he was so matter-of-fact, he didn’t speak with the compassion that Sam or Bruce might have done, but with the functional approach I needed. My body responded and I stood up. I hesitated, some vestige of memory caused me to turn before I walked into the bathroom, and say ‘thank you’. He nodded, acknowledging silently everything that I’d been experiencing, and I shut the door. 

I stood under the hot shower until my skin turned red, stretching out torn and worn muscles, and trying to process the events of the day. From panic attack to resisting the urge to kill, I was becoming more aware that I wasn’t stable, and I was afraid of letting my guard down. These people were good people. They had helped me, healed me. And I could kill them while they slept. I needed to find a way to leave, I couldn’t be around good people. They never had answered my question when I first spoke – why had they not left me to die? I was a liability.

Eventually I turned off the shower and stepped out, nothing would be resolved while I stood in there. I rubbed myself dry then moving forward, caught sight of myself in the mirror. I had deliberately stayed away from my reflection for the last few weeks, both uninterested and afraid of what I’d see. I was a weapon and as such as long as my body could fight and kill and then heal, it didn’t matter what form it took. And yet these people seemed to see me as something other than a weapon, and I was afraid to face what I saw. But the movement as I walked past caught my eye and I paused. I used the towel in my hand to wipe steam off the mirror’s surface and saw myself. I was female, I’d already worked that out. Well-muscled, as you’d expect. Scarred. I ran my fingers over some of the fresher scars, there were stories here that I didn’t want to remember, but the touch of my fingers on my skin brought back flashes that caught my breath. Injections, beatings, whippings, fights. Broken bones and gunshot wounds. My hand jerked away, I didn’t need to remember that. 

I met my own eyes in the mirror and was startled by how little I recognised myself. I’d been afraid to look, afraid that I might suddenly remember something about myself, but to look at my own reflection and see a stranger was just as terrifying. What had they done to me, to take away every shred of identity, every remnant of humanity?

I was younger than I expected, I felt the weight of the world on me and interpreted it as age. Fading bruises around my eyes and cheekbones were green and yellow in the bathroom light. A scar ran down the side of my neck. I grimaced, and saw broken teeth. My hair was cut raggedly as if done by someone who wanted it out of the way for convenience. It wasn’t a pretty picture.

I drew in a sharp breath and quickly hung the towel over the mirror. I’d seen, I didn’t need to see that again. I stepped out of the room and into the bedroom to dress quickly, putting on the usual set of jeans, t-shirt, and now trainers that had been provided, covering up whatever my skin had been trying to tell me. I was shaken by the events of today, but didn’t know that there was more yet to come.

Someone knocked, and then Bucky walked back into the room. I looked up, expecting him to bring food which he’d mentioned, and which I needed to stabilise myself, but he was empty handed. Sam walked in behind him. I’d met him a few times and he’d offered to talk, but I had nothing to say. To my confusion, Sam spoke. “I know you’ve had a tough day, but we need to talk. Do you want to sit down?” I sat, stumbling slightly, unable to deal with anything new. 

“We think we know who you are”.


	8. Finding a past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and Jarvis have reconstructed her past - it's time to find out who she was, and why Hydra took her.

I think I stopped breathing when I heard that. ‘We think we know who you are’. I felt my heart start to race, and sweat stood out on my forehead. Last time Bruce had asked me my name, I’d blacked out. My identity had been playing on my mind for weeks now – I could remember most of my time with Hydra but there was a dark hole before that and I was terrified to look into it.

“You ok? Is there anything you need?” Sam’s voice broke through the whirlwind in my head, and I looked up. He was sitting on the bed opposite my chair, Bucky standing, arms folded, next to him. Both were looking at me, waiting. I sat up straighter and took a steadying breath, tried to calm my mind. It didn’t matter who I was, I was a weapon, weapons were without emotion… but I wasn’t convinced. I wanted to ask them not to tell me, because there could be no good story behind losing my identity, my past, but if Sam and Bucky knew, then the team would know, and I couldn’t live with them knowing while I didn’t.

“OK. Yes, I’m OK.” I breathed deeply again. “Start from the beginning”.

Sam spoke again. He was the one chosen as the most compassionate, they must have thought he’d be able to gauge the best way to tell me. 

“Tony’s had Jarvis searching databases: missing person’s reports, medical records, school photos, anything and everything they could find” He paused. “They found a possibility, a coupla days ago, and have been looking into it, trying to verify things. Looks like Hydra covered their tracks pretty well, and… well… there wasn’t anyone left to try and find you once they’d finished”. That made me look up sharply. So there was no family out there waiting to welcome me home with open arms. That should have made me sad but in fact it was a relief. I couldn’t become part of a family, decorate Christmas trees and carve pumpkins, I didn’t have that in me. I had a feeling that sadness would come though, in time.

Sam continued. “Jarvis found a missing person’s report, from Colorado. Six years ago. A girl was taken, when she was 14. She’d been identified by SHIELD as a person of interest because she had certain abilities. The Hydra faction inside SHIELD obviously picked up on this and she was taken. Hydra deleted most of the SHIELD references to the girl, we guess so nobody else went looking, but Jarvis found references in the local news, just a few. Nat’s been out to the town and looked through the police files – all the computer files were deleted but she found paper records, and school records and photos. Hydra were careless, they left too much behind, they obviously thought no one would ever go looking. I’m sorry, but there’s no relatives there, but we did find some medical records that were in storage – again, they wiped out the computer data but obviously didn’t clear everything. We’ve been able to match DNA from a relative’s record. We’ve pulled everything together that we’ve found. Do you want to look through it on your own?”

They both watched me. I could practically feel my brain trying to process all this. Colorado? It meant nothing to me. I felt as if each sentence was slowly filtering through my consciousness. “Wait, six years? Are you saying this girl… I… have been with Hydra for six years?”

Bucky spoke. “It fits what we’ve been able to find out about the Hydra facility. They took a few kids like you when they could, kids SHIELD had picked up on. That gave them plenty of time to do what they needed to do”.

Six years. Six years lost to becoming the ultimate weapon. Family gone, history wiped out, everything. “What’s my name?”

“Do you want us to tell you, or do you want to read about it first? Just… don’t be disappointed if hearing your name doesn’t bring it all back. It’ll take time, don’t put yourself under pressure to take it all in at once, ok?” Sam looked concerned, maybe they were afraid I’d break down or black out or something. Maybe I was afraid too. I didn’t know what to expect – everything to come back, nothing to come back. What if it triggered some kind of killing rage?

“You should probably go. I’ll read it on my own. Thank you, all of you, for finding… for looking”. They both started walking towards the door, I knew they’d give me all the time I needed. “Wait”. They both paused, Sam’s hand on the doorknob, and looked at me. “Just… say my name will you? I want to hear it spoken, not see it written down, first time”.

Bucky spoke. “Ruby. Your name is Ruby.” They shut the door behind them.

\---

I stood there for a few minutes, rolling that name around in my head. When Bucky had said ‘Ruby’, there’d been no bright lights or fireworks going off. I was aware I was holding my breath and let it out slowly, then walked into the bathroom, pulled down the towel covering the mirror, and looked at my face for the second time that afternoon. Chopped hair, bruises, broken teeth. I said ‘Ruby’ out loud, my voice betraying me by cracking slightly. Nothing. Anyone who’d known me then wouldn’t know this broken weapon as Ruby now. Maybe I’d have been better off not knowing, but now that I did…

I turned, and walked back into the bedroom, sat in the chair and pulled up the screen that Tony had shown me how to use. “Jarvis, can you please pull up everything you’ve found related to Ruby’s… my background? And Jarvis, thank you for finding me”.

‘A pleasure to help, Miss Ruby’. That made me jump. Bucky had said my name, but Jarvis had called me it. This would take some getting used to.

‘I have taken the liberty of creating an outline of your past’. The document appeared on the screen. ‘You’ll see links to all the evidence alongside the document. Please do ask for any clarification’.

I was lost in the files for hours, unmoving except for my fingers sliding across the screen, reading school reports, dentist’s records, newspaper clippings, the ephemera of a life that Hydra hadn’t managed to erase. Jarvis had ordered everything and I went through systematically, reading every document more than once, cross-checking facts, but all the time ignoring the box on the screen marked ‘images’. So here it was, the story of a life – my life, so it seemed, although so far beyond the occasional tickle at the back of my mind, a vague sense of familiarity, this could as easily be about someone I’d never met.

So I was 20. I felt older, but was also only aware of six years of life. I’d been born and brought up in a small town in Colorado. Unremarkable childhood. An older brother, two parents. I read their names but nothing clicked. Dates and school names followed, details of minor operations – tonsils, a broken arm falling from a jungle gym. So far, so normal. Then age 10, it seemed there were notes from SHIELD, reconstructed by Jarvis. ‘Unusual’ activity had prompted SHIELD to investigate and found that I had mental abilities that were starting to develop. A teenager bullying my brother had been checked into hospital after breaking his own nose headbutting a wall, and mumbling about how the ‘kid’ had weird eyes that had looked at him. A schoolfriend, unable to swim, told her parents that when she fell out of a boat on a school trip, I’d stopped her sinking. A fire in our kitchen started with a faulty toaster oven was suddenly extinguished when I broke free of my Dad’s arms and ran back into the house. So far, so weird, but there were rational explanations given for each one by the people involved. Concussion from a fall leading to the bully imagining things; a child’s active imagination brought on by fear; a sudden gust of wind blowing out the fire. SHIELD knew better. I was on a watch list now, with suspected telekinesis and other unknown powers.

And that list was what had got me here. A Hydra agent inside SHIELD flagged this up and at the age of 14, they pounced. I’d been walking home from school at the end of term and vanished. Jarvis had noted that I was probably tranquilised to prevent me using any mind forces, but most records had been deleted. My parents must, surely, have filed missing person reports; made pleas on the local news for my safe return. Maybe my school friends held a candlelit vigil and secretly revelled in the excitement of all the fuss, unable to quite comprehend the reality. There were few notes to back this up, Hydra had done their job well, but Nat had spoken to some old school friends who reported a range of stories. ‘Hadn’t I been found but the family had moved away?’ ‘I heard she died and so the family left?’ ‘No, she never came back, didn’t her parents die too?’ It seemed Hydra misinformation had confused the facts. There were no records of any family left, anywhere that could be found. The Missing Person report had been concluded and deleted. Police officers ‘remembered’ hearing that I’d been found with relatives in another state, although they couldn’t remember who’d confirmed it. Turns out it’s easier to lose someone than you’d think. There were no references to my family after that though, it seemed that they'd disappeared. I didn't think there could be a good story behind that.

I straightened my back and heard it click. I’d been sitting in the same position for hours now and needed to move before I carried on. I went back into the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face, then paced the room, thinking. So far nothing had stirred, but I couldn’t avoid the pictures any longer, although I was afraid of what they’d reveal.

I sat down and picked up the screen again. My finger hovered over the ‘images’ icon, then angry at my own hesitation, I clicked. Yearbook photos, newspaper photos, x-rays, neighbourhood photos from yard sales and street parties. Driver’s licences for my parents. A passport photo for my brother. Jarvis had collated everything he could find. I blinked once, and clicked on the first image.


	9. Memories return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter has lots of memories of torture and violence in, deaths of important people to the character and so on. It's not exactly nice probably (not saying I'm a good enough writer for it to be actually horrible though), and so I'm starting to think I'm probably a horrible person to write something like that. But if you don't want to read this, the next one will be a little lighter, and the one after that lighter still, and it won't matter.
> 
> Just wanted to add that warning for people who don't like nasty stuff x

I probably wasn’t ready for this. Maybe I never would have been, but I’d started now. I felt as if I had two existences – the six years with Hydra, and the few weeks here – and now I was going to see pictures from another existence. How many lives could one person live in twenty years?

The images started to scroll, each appearing on the screen full size for a few seconds before the next. There were a family laughing at a back yard barbecue; a girl with pigtails and a missing front tooth; ID photos, unsmiling and face on; then formal school photos, club members lined up in rows. I watched, letting them flash before my eyes. The last image appeared, taken from a newspaper article, it showed a girl – a teenager. The photo looked like one taken by a friend, she was laughing, in a bedroom somewhere. I could see the writing underneath, ‘missing schoolgirl’. The image remained on the screen, and I stared into the eyes of the girl, then got up and went and looked at my eyes in the bathroom mirror. They were the same.

I felt a jolt of recognition that had me gasping for air. That was me. Those were me, and my family. I grabbed up the screen again and sat down in the corner of the room, subconsciously feeling the need for the security of my back to the wall. More slowly this time, I went through the images again, inspecting each in turn, staring into the background of each photo at wallpaper, furniture, trees. Flashes of memory started shooting through my mind, each image seeming to come alive with sounds, smells, and then gone. I remembered the feel of the grass on my legs as a child at the barbecue, the smell of hotdogs and the sound of laughter; I remembered the blood down my shirt front as my first tooth fell out on photo day, and the feeling of poking my tongue into the hole. ID photos of my parents and brother brought back the sound of their voices, the smell of shampoo and the feel of my Dad’s stubble. Over and over I scrolled through the photos, unaware that my breathing was becoming more laboured as my brain tried to reconstruct a missing life.

Finally, panting, I let my head fall back against the wall, and dropped the screen to the floor. I shut my eyes, and tried to control my breathing. Pieces of memory continued to return, flashing onto the screen of my brain. I pressed my hands to the side of my head, desperate to shut off the flow of information but it came, faster and faster. Birthday cakes, family pets. The pain of a broken arm, the chill of a swimming pool. Names and faces. I squeezed my eyes tighter shut and pressed my hands harder to my head, afraid of what was coming. I was vaguely aware of someone coming into the room but my muscles were locked into a spasm while my brain overloaded with years of repressed memories, beaten down by Hydra. I heard voices speak, but wasn’t able to understand what they meant.

“We’re going to have to sedate her, this was a bad idea…”  
“Do we know who we’ll get back? The girl or the killer…”  
“She needs something to calm her breathing Bruce…”

A sharp scratch on my arm and I felt myself slipping to the floor, then being lifted, and then I lost all sense of my body. But my mind continued to rush, the mind powers I’d had enhanced easily overriding the tranquiliser I’d been given, and now there was no escape. I was trapped in my unresponsive body as the memories flooded back, and I couldn’t even scream.

I remembered being 14. Walking home from school in the summer, a book bag in one hand, phone in the other. I was thinking about a boy at school, about going for a swim, about a nagging I’d had from my Dad for untidiness that morning. I was at ease and relaxed, a happy kid on the edge of growing up. I remembered a sharp stab in my neck, my hand rising up to wipe away a mosquito or a thorn, and then falling to the grass verge, seeing boots approaching me and hands picking me up.

I remembered the back of a van, a long drive. A plane? Flashes of drugged memory made no sense for a while, but my mind powers meant that nothing had truly been forgotten, simply buried under layers of pain. Now, sedated on a bed in New York, the layers were stripped away.

I remembered waking to cold and dark, trying to stand and finding I was chained to a bed. Crying out for my Mom and for help, sobbing myself into a cold sleep. I remembered waking again to a man standing over me, and desperately trying to push him away with my hands and my mind, but at that point I’d never learnt to control my powers and he easily swatted both away. Shouting and crying with fear as a collar was locked around my neck, and soon learning that if I used my powers, or resisted, it would be activated. 

I remembered the first time I was led to the chair. Bruised now after beatings, after falling to the floor under the control of the collar; shivering and starved and bereft of hope, except the hope I might die soon. Seeing a large chair with restraints and fighting being put in until a punch to my side knocked me over and I wasn’t able to resist. I remember being strapped in, the collar removed and a piece of leather put between my teeth, fear making me sweat. I remembered the needle going in, the feeling of ice spreading up my arm making me bite down and scream.

Still the memories kept coming. If I hadn’t been sedated, I’d have beaten my head against a wall to try and escape but to anyone observing me I must have looked peaceful and rested, unaware of the barrage of information flooding my brain while my body lay still.

Memories of repeated beatings, every time I failed to comply. Being taught to fight, all with the collar on so that if I tried to attack or escape, I would be punished. Learning to fight with knives, sticks, fists, relentlessly. Little rest, little food. More injections. Time was meaningless in my head and in the bunker, had I been there days or weeks or months when they brought out my family? Leaning exhausted against a wall, seeing the door open and my parents and brother come stumbling out, bruised and bloodied and collared.

I remember my brother vomiting with fear, my father sobbing, my mother mouthing ‘I love you’. I remember using every power I had to try and free them, kicking and screaming and punching, lashing out with my mind. Those were the first two Hydra agents I killed, two guards who had brought me to my cell. Then I saw my father, fall, choking to the floor, as his collar was activated. He writhed, purple faced as I screamed. I fell to my knees and they let him breath again. 

I remembered a man in uniform in front of me. A voice. “Understand this. Your family will die. You have a choice. Submit and they die easily. Resist and they die hard. This pain will make you stronger, make you a weapon. This is the last choice you will ever be allowed to make for yourself. What will it be?”

I remember looking up, seeing the soldier’s scarred face in front of me, and my family behind. I saw my mother’s eyes on me and again she whispered. ‘It’s OK’. That had broken me then, and it broke me again now. I tried to turn my head away from the memories but there was no escape. I remember saying ‘I submit’ and then watching the soldier turn and shoot them each once, their bodies crumpling together.

After that, I remember blocking out love, fear, hope. There was nothing left. No one would save me, I couldn’t let myself be a person anymore because a person could grieve and I couldn’t let myself. Still they kept at me, training me, giving me more serum, more beatings. I remembered the time when they filled my cell with water to my ankles so I was constantly cold and wet, other times when they denied me water and kept the cell so hot my lips cracked and bled with the dehydration. I remembered being hosed down with water so icy I lost my breath and my skin turned blue. I remembered days and days without food where I was still expected to fight, any weakness punished. Every torment stripped away another layer of my humanity until I was just a core of anger, a narrow beam of hatred for the world.

I remembered each face that had hurt me. The soldiers who had taught me to fight by attacking me, while I was half starved and half naked and they wore armour. I remembered the scientists who had injected me with serum, brought me back to life from the brink of death, studied my regression to animal state with interest. I remembered the soldiers who had created each scar I had seen on my body. I remembered when I had first been allowed out on a mission, drugged beforehand so that all I was aware of was my target, then tearing through a building until I found the target and broke his neck. I didn’t know who he was, but that death was on me, his blood was on my hands as were the others that came after.

I remembered the constant changes. The gentle treatment – a bed, some clothes – that were then taken away for no reason. I remembered the days of darkness followed by the days of constant light. I remembered not being allowed to lie down, and not being allowed to stand. I remembered being taught to attack using only my mind, sharpening my mind powers until I could make blood boil from behind a wall, then my collar shocking me again every time I used them. I remembered the scarred man again, telling me over and over that I was their weapon, that my strength was forged in my pain and that they would break me down and build me in their own image. 

And all through this, I remembered my mother saying ‘it’s OK’. No matter what they did to me, how they broke me down, I held on to that in a corner of my mind. Perhaps that one memory I had somehow kept for myself was what had enabled me to survive and still retain some control and some humanity, but it was such a tiny shred and I was afraid it would be extinguished.

\--

My eyelids fluttered and I was aware of the soft light through the curtains in my room. The sedative was wearing off and slowly my senses made out that I was lying on the bed, that there were people murmuring in the room, that my muscles were slowly coming back to life. I coughed and tried to sit myself up but with the sedative still in my blood, I was weak and fell back again.

“Hey there”. A soft voice, Bruce. “OK, we got you, stay lying down, you’re not up to sitting up yet”. Another voice, Sam.

“We think it was just a bit much, showing you all that information so soon, we’ve taken it away, no need to think about it for now, just rest”. That was Bruce again. They didn’t realise what had happened.

I turned to look at him. “Too late”. My voice was strained as if I’d been silently screaming. “It’s all come back. You drugged me and I couldn’t escape the memories. It’s all here now. Everything I’ve done. Everything that’s happened”. My voice broke again and I coughed. Bruce’s eyes were wide with shock. “You trapped me in my head and now I know everything. You should have let me die”. I rolled onto my side, turning my face away as if they could see the horrors on my face, and sobbed.

\--

I was aware of people in the room, they didn’t leave me alone for the next few days. I lay in the bed and cried, digging my nails into my hands until they bled under the sheets. There was always someone there but I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t reach out, as the horrors in my head replayed over and over. All the deaths I had caused. The loss of my parents, my brother – my fault. All because Hydra wanted what was in my head, something I’d never asked to be there. My muscled ached with tension, and I withdrew, locking myself into my head with shame and guilt.

I don’t know how long it had been, days, a week? Sam and Bruce had tried talking to me, Steve had offered me food, Nat had just sat silently. I was aware of other bodies but I couldn’t respond. I heard the door open again and someone new enter, the sound of talking, which then got louder than normal. The words still meant nothing to me.

“Just let me try ok, everyone out. It’s not like you’re having any success and you all know I’m the only person who can really understand what she’s been through”.

More footsteps, people leaving perhaps. I was only vaguely aware as my head was too filled with past horrors for the present. 

Then a shadow fell over my face, someone standing between me and the light as I cried. The body crouched down, it was Bucky, his head now level with mine. His voice was soft.

“I know they’ve tried gentle. I can’t do that, it’s not in me. I can tell you though, that I’ve been there. What Hydra did to you? A lot of that, they did to me too. You’re not alone kid. And I can’t lie to you and tell you that it’s going to disappear and you’ll be happy again, although that’s what they want me to say. What I can say though, is that if you fight through this and get up and eat and rest and pretend to feel human, there will be better days”. He paused. “And I can promise you that if you can find a way to function, you can have revenge”. That made me look up. “These guys, the Avengers, they’re the good guys, we know that. They fight Hydra to make the world a better place. You and me, we have darkness inside us. I don’t think they get that. I fight Hydra to try and relieve that darkness. Or maybe to cover it with darkness of my own choosing, I haven’t looked too hard. Do that with me. By my side. Beat them, for what they did to you”

I’d stopped crying while he spoke. I had no hope then for a future of happiness but listening to Bucky, I did have hope for revenge.


	10. New missions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are two new missions, but they may not be compatible.
> 
> Also, Bucky is a bit adorable :)

After Bucky spoke, I sat up, got up. Weak-limbed from lack of food, my legs buckled under me as I stood, but Bucky’s arm was around me, holding me up. He spoke to Jarvis, ordering food and drink, then sat me in a chair and wrapped a blanket around me. I was surprised – he’d said himself that he couldn’t ‘do’ gentle – and yet instinctively he seemed to know what I needed. Neither of us spoke as he helped me, we had both spent long enough in silence that small talk was unnecessary, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. 

He helped me eat some soup and drink glass after glass of water, then sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at me. “So what now?”

I looked up. I still felt drained by the past few days and my mind hurt with the memories that had been returned.

I spoke, and my voice was clear of the tears that had blocked it for some time. “Revenge. Like you said. I want to wipe them out. I want to see them burn. I want, no… I need, to destroy Hydra, to smash them into pieces”

“And then?” he asked quietly.

“Then I want to die”. There was no emotion when I said that. I had had such a few short weeks where I’d wondered if I could become a person again, now I felt that there was too much pain for that. I was glad it was Bucky that had asked me this. Steve would have been horrified, Bruce would have pulled his fingers through his hair, Sam would have talked at me constantly about hope. Bucky just nodded. “I understand.” Maybe he didn’t agree, but he knew that at this point, there was no value in discussion.

I ached to get started, but I knew I was in no condition to do anything. I needed to become strong again; faster, deadlier than before; and I needed information about where to hit. And, although I hated to admit it, I needed the support of the team. I didn’t feel one of them, I was too new here for that, but I knew that they had the resources – the years of research, the equipment – that would make things easier for me.

I stretched out my muscles, aching from days in bed and tension, and then stood, gingerly. “I need a shower, then I need to plan”. Bucky helped me into the bathroom, turning the shower to hot – he’d spent long enough in the chill of Hydra’s care to understand that the ice never seemed to really leave your bones. I leant against the wall weakly, furious with my own lack of strength, desperate to be stronger and ready to fight, watching him. Once the shower was hot, he turned to walk out, then stopped as I spoke. “I can’t”. I looked down. For years I had been schooled never to show weakness – never to feel weakness – and the voices inside my head screamed at me that I was a failure already for showing emotion at my memories, but I knew that without the support of the wall, by now I would be lying on the floor.

He nodded, matter of factly. “I’ll get Nat”, but I shook my head, violently – starting to slip down the wall with the movement. “No, can you just…” I sighed. “I can’t see them. They don’t understand. They’ll try and tell me that they’re sorry. They’ll look at me with pity. I can’t, I can’t do that. You know what I have to do, you’re not going to try and make me human again”. He nodded again. We were both used to being weapons. I know that Steve had brought some of Bucky’s memories back, not all of them, but that he’d been free for long enough to find pleasure in food, company, books, the little things of life. I hadn’t and I didn’t want to, and he respected that.

Calmly, without any qualms, he helped take off my clothes and lifted me into the shower, where I sat under the scalding water and winced as my aching muscles started to loosen. Water ran into my eyes and I blinked, then felt a hand pushing my scrappy hair back. With the patience of a nurse, and with surprisingly gentle hands, Bucky helped wash my hair and clean me, then lifted me out again and sat me on the bed with a large towel wrapped around me. I was exhausted again but knew that I’d survived worse, and that with food and the help of the serum, I could be back on my feet again soon, and start training.

He passed me clothes, and I dried and dressed myself, rubbing the towel over the remains of my hair, leaving it sticking up. All of this was done in silence, until I moved the towel away and heard Bucky snort. I looked at him questioningly and saw him trying to hide a smile. “That is the worst hair cut I’ve ever seen”. To my surprise, a short huff of laughter burst out of me. “Distracts from the teeth I guess” I said and started laughing and then couldn’t stop, the weeks of tension bubbling over as hysteria. Bucky looked at me perplexed, then got caught up himself, until we were both doubled over on the bed, unable to draw breath and crying with laughter. I hadn’t laughed in years and I knew this wasn’t humour but just an overload of emotion, but for a brief time it felt good.

That was how Tony and Nat found us, collapsed on the bed, at that stage of laughter where you’re too breathless to laugh but then catch someone’s eye and wheeze another laugh out. Tony and Nat looked completely confused – when they’d left the room, a few hours before, I’d been almost comatose with guilt and horror; now I was laughing uncontrollably. Bucky and I took a few seconds to pull ourselves together and almost instantly I felt a sense of dread that I’d allowed myself happiness, I couldn’t risk feeling human again, not when I had a mission to fulfil. And yet, inside, that tiny moment of relaxation and happiness was starting to burn.

\--

My focus was clearer in the weeks after that. I gradually learnt to come out of my room without fear, provoked by my need to heal, although I still kept away from the windows. My days became routine: breakfast, gym, shower, lunch, research and planning, gym, dinner, bed. The others saw my leaving my room as a good sign, thought I was intent on joining them, then soon noticed that I was still hiding in a room of my own making that I carried with me. I resisted their attempts to get me to relax, and kept my head down as I moved about the Tower, not engaging with anyone except when I needed advice. When I could, I asked Jarvis for research and data but on occasion needed to speak to Tony or Steve about tactics, reconnaissance and equipment. I saw the hope in their eyes die bit by bit that I was determined to be anything other than the weapon Hydra wanted, but I couldn’t give in. They also knew that with my help, their hope of wiping out Hydra was improved, so went along with my way of working, planning where we’d hit first, reviewing data and training.

I felt Bucky watching me during those weeks, but kept my interactions with him as limited as those with everyone else. He knew me better than anyone here, knew what I’d been through and what I was capable of. What he didn’t know was that I was terrified of him. Not as a weapon, but as a person. Terrified that I responded to him. So I stayed away.

I ate, I trained. I finally saw a dentist who came to the tower at Tony’s request, after he told me he was too much of a perfectionist to let me continue to have a face like that. I knew this was his way of trying to look after me, and rejected the idea initially as an unnecessary waste of time, but after struggling to bite solid food, I gave in for the sake of quicker mealtimes and faster recovery. The dentist eyed my broken teeth but asked no questions and a week later, my teeth were capped. I hadn’t realised how painful they had been until they were fixed – living with pain was so normal – and the feeling of living painfree caused as much anxiety as pain would to anyone else. I didn’t want to get comfortable, to start to enjoy life. That would put the mission at risk and give me something to want to come back to. I worked harder, sleeping less and less and tracking every possible Hydra location, pushing myself in training until it hurt. I was used to pain, that was what had made me strong, and I had to find that torment again to focus on the mission.

It all came to a head one evening. I’d been training most of the day and was bruised with bleeding knuckles from boxing. I walked straight to the control centre to start plotting our mission route – we were close to completion now – when Bruce and Steve walked in. Instantly I started setting out my thoughts about a change of route I’d been contemplating but they cut me off. “We’ve all been thinking about the mission too long, we’ve all got caught up in your need to do it all, at once. We can’t. We need to calm down. We can’t take Hydra down the way you want, running from one base to another”. I looked at Steve, confused, this was what I’d been planning, although I’d only let on the full details to them all in the last day or two.

Bruce spoke next. “We need to slow down – YOU need to slow down. We will wipe out Hydra but we can’t just slash and burn and move on. We need to evaluate what we find at each site; we need to look out for civilians. We all need time to recover between hits, even you supersoldiers. And…” He paused and looked at Steve, who nodded. “And you need to become more than your mission. We can’t work as a team if we don’t know you, who you are, how you think. We’ve all been talking, and we’re not prepared to go out on a mission with you until you’re fully part of the team.”

I glared at them, furious. I needed to destroy Hydra, they knew that. How dare they try and stop me. I stood up, enraged, and started to walk out, when Steve grabbed my arm. He looked at me sympathetically and spoke again. “I know it’s not what you want to hear, but Tony’s not going to take out the jet unless we know you, unless we’re a team. It puts us all at risk. We need to know you’re not going to flip and turn on us. Heck, we need to know if you can actually walk outside and still function, you haven’t done that yet!”

He was right. I couldn’t even go near the windows yet. I’d been hiding from my weaknesses by focussing on my anger but until I faced them, I couldn’t put anyone else at risk. I took a deep breath, and nodded, then left the room.

New mission: overcome my fears – the agoraphobia, and the human relationships. The Hydra mission was on hold until I found out if I could become an Avenger.

I didn’t find out until much later that the Avengers had a much tougher mission behind their words – to make me become a person.


	11. An uncomfortable day of fun, part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve plans a day of 'being part of the team' for Ruby, which is probably as uncomfortable as it's possible to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote this chapter and it ended up being about as long as the ten previous one, so I thought I'd better cut it up a bit. Sorry it's so ridiculously waffly, and overly fluffy and probably very rubbish.
> 
> No warnings, except for excessive length and suckiness

Today was the day. I woke up early, my heart racing already. I hit the gym straight away, desperate to burn off some of the adrenaline that was flooding my system, to wear myself out. After two hours training, dawn was only just breaking, it was going to be a long day. After a shower, I stared at myself defiantly in the mirror. My hair was growing out and my teeth were fixed now. Some parts of my face looked normal, but my eyes were wide, showing my fear. I could do this, I could do this, I kept repeating to myself. This was the most terrifying challenge I had had in all the years. Let me fight an army of crazed aliens high on blood lust. Let me run through exploding buildings. Anything but this.

Today, I was going to spend a ‘nice day with the team’. I shuddered again at the sound of Steve saying those words, and begged for a swift death.

After Steve and Bruce had confronted me about becoming part of the team, they’d set about trying to help, but with little success. They asked me to eat in the communal areas with them, but sighed when I took my plate into one corner and ate alone while staring at Hydra data. They’d asked me to come and hang out but seeing me sitting bolt upright on a chair in the corner was apparently off-putting, so they’d decided to force me to engage. I was still unsure about the need for this – why couldn’t we just get on with the mission – but I didn’t understand then their ulterior motives, plus I was terrified of letting my guard down. What they didn’t realise was that during communal meals I sat staring at my screen unseeing, listening to their conversations and desperate to join in. When they hung out in the evenings, I sat gripping my chair trying not to run away when I found myself smiling at a joke, or worse, gazing at Bucky that little bit too long. I was still terrified that if I gave in to my humanity, I wouldn’t be able to survive the guilt and hurt.

So Steve had planned today – the first of many, he threatened. I had to give in to what they were doing, no matter what, and then actually talk about what I was feeling. I’d actually made a joke at that, saying this was worse than all Hydra’s worst tortures, which had made Tony chuckle, but then I felt a wave of guilt that I was making light of all the deaths I’d caused.

So I knew that at 7am, I was scheduled for a ‘team breakfast’ and that Steve was going to show me how to make pancakes for everyone. Oh god, why couldn’t Hydra attack now? Then at 8am, I was due for a counselling session – the first of many, again – with Sam. He wanted to talk to me about survivor’s guilt, and about hope. Was there time to break one of the windows and throw myself off Stark Tower? The rest of the day involved a proper haircut, more cooking, a film show, testing my agoraphobia with a walk in the roof garden (aha, definitely a chance to jump there?) and then a big team dinner, with everyone. Tony had even said that some of the lesser-seen Avengers and their friends were coming – Pepper, who I’d met once or twice, Clint, Thor. Oh god. Tony said he thought I should get incredibly drunk and do karaoke because ‘once you’ve sung to us, you can never feel shame again Moley’ (he still called me that, I was starting to get used to it. Something about Tony made you forgive him most things while also fantasising about strangling him slowly). Steve and Tony had then starting quarrelling about whether getting drunk was such a good idea, and when I heard Tony say ‘what, she and Buck can sing and make dreamy eyes at each other’, I turned and walked out very, very fast. I’d tried so hard to not look at Bucky these last few weeks, I’d gone out of my way to avoid him in fact, but it sounded as if I wasn’t doing well. I had no desire to make dreamy eyes at him, but I still felt drawn to him. He understood the turmoil I was feeling, and since the way he’d cared for me when my memories had returned, I’d had to resist the urge to be near him again. At the time I’d been so lost in my own pain that I had barely noticed him looking after me, but since then I’d started to remember the way he’d carefully lifted me out of the shower and the feeling of his skin against mine; the way he’d made me laugh. Damn it, I’d also started watching him when I thought no one could see, the easy friendship he had with Steve, the way he and Sam would bicker at each other until they both started laughing. His respect for Bruce and his eye rolling at Tony. He was part of the team, more than that, he was a friend to these people, despite what he’d been through and what he’d done. When I saw him once jump over the back of a sofa to wriggle between Steve and Nat to watch a film, putting his arm around both and giving them both sloppy kisses on their cheeks, earning a yell from Steve and a death threat from Nat, then settling down happily to watch the film with them, laughing and stealing popcorn, I had to leave the room hurriedly. They’d accepted him, and he’d accepted himself. Despite everything, he’d found a home and a family. I’d started to want that but I had no idea how I could get there. The voices in my head – the remains of all that Hydra ‘training’ - told me that I couldn’t get there, that Bucky was welcome because of his friendship with Steve, that nobody wanted me there and I believed them. I tried to focus more on the mission but the thought of going out and killing, destroying, that just made me feel even more separate from everyone else. They couldn’t want to know someone who was so intent on killing, so intent on doing everything Hydra had trained her to be.

So here we were though. It was nearly 7 now. I’d done two hours in the gym, showered, dressed. I steeled myself, took a deep breath, and went to make pancakes.

Turns out, I am not good at making pancakes. The team had stood around in the vast kitchen chatting while I focussed on the mission. Eggs, flour, milk, whisking, pan. I could do this. Tony snorted and said I looked deadly as I glowered at the mixture I was whisking, and Nat pointed out that in the right hands, anything was a weapon. I muttered ‘want me to show you what I can do with this whisk, Stark?’ and glared at him, earning a laugh from Steve as Tony backed out of the kitchen, hands up.

I followed Steve’s instructions to the letter, poured the mix into the pan, waited… then carefully slid the blackened lump straight into the bin. And the next one. After my third attempt, I carefully put the pan back down, picked up a fruit bowl nearby and set it on the dining table, then said ‘pancakes are off. Have fruit’, then sulkily flung myself down in a chair. The team burst out laughing and I felt my mouth quirk at the edges, then sighed, and smiled. Nat nudged me and said ‘told you anything could be a weapon – even your cooking’ and I slowly let my head fall so it was resting on the table and groaned. Steve made everyone pancakes after that, and I ate mine slowly, watching the easy way everyone chatted and laughed. I was included and it felt so good, but then I thought about what was coming next and my stomach clenched. 

8am and I was pacing the corridor outside one of the Tower’s private offices. I’d braced myself to knock twice but couldn’t bring myself to do it, when Jarvis spoke: ‘Mr Wilson says you may just walk in, Miss Ruby’. Another deep breath and I opened the door.

We ended up talking for two hours. Sam in his role as counsellor was subtly different from Sam-As-Sam. Still kind, thoughtful, funny, but even more patient and gentler than normal. I’d sat in silence for a long time when I’d entered, then blurted out ‘I really don’t know what I’m doing here, there’s nothing I can say or you can say that can change the past’ and he’d nodded. ‘No, we can’t change the past. We might be able to find way to look at it differently so that you can find a future though’. I blinked heavily, I was the one with mind powers but maybe I’d been too obvious about how much I wanted a future, and how much I didn’t believe in one. ‘You’re weighed down by what’s happened, anyone would be, that’s OK. But you’re going to live a long time. Maybe we can find a way to see what’s happened in a different light, so that you can feel you have the right to be happy?’

He was good, I will say that. For two hours we talked, not in great depth as this was just the first session, but I think he found out a lot more about me than I realised I’d said. We talked about the loneliness of being without a family. Guilt about the loss of my family, guilt about what I’d done to other people. About the anger that drove me and the need to find a different motivation. We talked about my feelings of worthlessness, about feeling that nobody could accept a murderer, a torture victim. We touched on survivor’s guilt – how could I deserve to live? We mentioned the lost years, how I’d gone from a child to an adult without guidance or love. Inside I still felt like a 14-year-old and yet I was an adult, and one who’d been through so much. He mentioned PTSD and I said I’d look at it later. Then towards the end, he said ‘you know, we like you. You may not like yourself, and you may think we’re wrong, but we do. You’ve been through hell, no one’s denying it, but we want you here. You have as much right as anyone else in the world to be happy’. He looked at me as tears came rushing to my eyes and without speaking, I stood up and blundered out of the room. I’d need to apologise for that later, but right now I felt overwhelmed. I rushed to the elevator and asked for my floor, then ran for my room and flung myself into my safe corner where I just sat and cried, overcome with all the emotions that had been stirred up

Sam must have alerted Bucky because all of a sudden, I felt someone sit down beside me and wrap strong arms around me. I could no more have held back than I could have resisted Hydra’s torture all those years. I was just a kid, in some ways, and I needed help. I buried my head in Bucky’s chest and sobbed. He didn’t speak, just kept his arms around me, his cheek resting on my hair, until the tears dried up. I took a deep shaky breath and without moving my head said ‘I’m sorry Buck. That was pathetic, right?’ I was so afraid of being judged that it was easier to get in there first.

I felt him kiss the top of my head and squeeze me. ‘You’re a jerk, you know kid?’ he said. ‘You think you have to be stronger than anyone, that you can’t ever show how shit things are. You don’t realise that everyone in this damn Tower is desperate to help you, if you let them. I know, I know, you’re afraid to show weakness, I do understand. And let me guess, you’re afraid to care about people because you don’t want to end up hurting them? Oh and let’s not forget you think no one could ever like someone as terrible as you right?’ I looked up at him, he was giving me a half smile. ‘Nope, Wanda hasn’t taught me how to get in your mind. Just telling you how I’ve felt for years. Btu I had to start accepting that I was wrong. So do you. You don’t think I cried a lot when I got back? Jeez, Steve used to mop me up on a daily basis!’

He gave me another squeeze. ‘Kid, we will take down Hydra. We will. Maybe not as fast as you’d like, but we will. Then what? You’re only a kid and you’ve got a serum-enhanced life span. Once Hydra's gone, there’s got to be something more. So let’s work on that OK?’

I nodded and started to withdraw from him, embarrassed by how I’d clung on despite what he’d said, but he pulled me back in for a longer hug and we sat there until my breathing settled down. I could have fallen asleep I was so relaxed but I didn’t want to hold him up, although I didn’t want to let go either. Eventually he said ‘right, you need to wash your face and get ready for the next horror Steve has arranged for you’. He grinned and let me up. ‘What is it next?’

I thought for a second then my shoulder’s slumped in resignation. ‘A hair cut’ I sighed. ‘Well thank God, that do is an affront to the eyes kiddo’ he said as he stood up. ‘See you upstairs, I wouldn’t miss this for the world’ he said, kissing me on the forehead, and left.

I washed my face, knowing that I’d be unable to hide my red eyes, although there seemed to be nothing secret in this place, and then went back up to the living area. Sam’s words and Bucky’s words felt like little glimmers of hope, ones I didn’t dare look at too closely in case they faded away.


	12. An uncomfortable day of fun, part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The 'nice day' continues, with a haircut, a visit from some Asgardian guests, and a nice nap in a library.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry more long waffliness. 
> 
> And any thoughts on who would win an arm wrestle -Bucky's metal arm or Thor!?

The whole team was there, grinning in anticipation of fun. There was a hairdresser setting up a chair and equipment nearby, looking slightly nervous at the audience he had waiting for him. I was tired out and nervous, plus there was a fear inside me, irrational, but the thought of sitting down and letting someone put scissors to my head… 

Tony was by my side. ‘Right, come on, let’s get rid of this awful mess. Someone as good looking as me cannot be accompanied by this kind of scruff!’ He pulled me to the chair and sat me down, and then Nat passed me a cup of coffee which I gulped down, choking when she said ‘just remember not to kill this guy if you don’t like the cut OK?’ and winking. Great, a terrified hairdresser, just what I needed!

I finished the coffee, and let the man wrap a towel around my neck and then look at me, thinking. He started to cut and I winced. Tony laughed again and said ‘you’d rather go ten rounds with the Hulk than have a nice hair cut wouldn’t you?’

The man at least was fast, and while the team chatted, I relaxed a bit and trusted that he wasn’t a Hydra agent sent to slit my throat. Twenty minutes later, he brushed the cut hair off the back of my neck and said ‘OK, we’re done. I think that’s the best shape we’ll get with... what I had to work with. I’ll get you a mirror’. I quickly said ‘no, that’s OK’, really not wanting to be seen inspecting myself in front of everyone. ‘Thank you, I’m sure it’s’ great, I appreciate you doing what you can’, I stumbled over my words, then repeated ‘thank you’ as I backed away to the kitchen, hearing Bruce snorting at me with suppressed laughter. I made myself more coffee and heard Tony show the man out before I re-emerged. 

‘Niiiice”, Tony inspected me from various angles as I gradually turned redder and redder. ‘What do we think people, no longer such a figure of horror?’. Bucky looked at me, winked, and whistled and Nat came over to run her fingers through it, and say ‘I don’t think I’ll need to kill the hairdresser, this looks good’. God this was uncomfortable. I gulped my coffee, too hot, and coughed then said ‘ok, enough, what do I have to do now, let’s get this over with’. ‘That’s the spirit!’ Tony said.

At that point luckily, there was a distraction. Jarvis spoke up: ‘Mr Stark sir, Thor has just arrived in the roof garden along with a companion’. Everyone bustled about, cheered up by the thought of seeing Thor, while I felt myself backing away. I hadn’t met Thor yet although I knew of him, but although I was getting more comfortable with the team, the thought of meeting new people was still very hard.

Within a minute or two, the elevator opened and Thor appeared, very much larger than life size, along with a smaller, darker man. His voice boomed: “My friends!” as he picked up Steve, probably the only man who could, and gave him a huge hug. He worked his way around the room, greeting the others while I tried to work out if I could make it out of the door unseen but Sam spotted me edging away and spoke up.

“Thor, can I introduce our newest Avenger? This is Ruby”. Thor turned and grabbed my hand for a hearty – if slightly painful – handshake. “A great pleasure to meet a fellow warrior! Later we will share tales of our journeys here over food!” God he was… enthusiastic. I nodded and mumbled something and tried to look invisible, but luckily he turned away at that point. “And I have a new friend to introduce. My brother Loki, who has travelled here to join us. And to get away from trouble he has caused in Asgard!” At this he punched his brother jovially on the shoulder, causing him to wince. Loki seemed a lot quieter than Thor – not hard – but was soon charming the rest of the team, asking intelligent questions of Bruce and Tony, speaking to Nat in Russian and generally becoming part of the group. I felt his eyes looking quizzically at me on occasion as I sat at the edge of the room uncomfortably. I’d made the deal that I’d spend the day with everyone but I didn’t feel I knew how to make light conversation in this way and I could feel my anxiety rising. 

Bucky must have sensed my discomfort, and came over from where he’d been talking to Sam, to sit near me. He asked how I was and obviously ignored my reply of ‘fine’ and instead paid attention to the way my knuckles were turning white as I gripped the chair, feigning relaxation. “How about a walk, get some peace?” he asked and I nodded thankfully.

I felt Loki’s eyes on me as we slipped out of the room, which I found uncomfortable but didn’t know what to make of it. I soon forgot as we made for the elevator and Bucky asked Jarvis to take us to the roof. I knew that going outside had been on today’s agenda and maybe not having time to prepare meant not having time to be anxious, but I felt my heart rate rise. I was furious with myself, I was berating myself internally for not being able to make small talk, and now for not being able to face the outside world, and the self-hatred must have ben coming off me in waves. I made a conscious effort to rein in my thoughts rather than broadcasting them to the whole Tower as the elevator stopped. 

I knew there was a small upstairs lobby (small by Stark standards meaning a bar, dining area, changing rooms for the rooftop swimming pool and more) so we weren’t outside yet, but the whole wall in front of us as we stepped out was glass and I could see the gardens and the city beyond. My breathing got faster and I felt pale and sweaty, until Bucky put one arm around me and said ‘let’s sit down’. 

We sat on a padded bench facing the windows in silence for a few minutes while I fought to get my breathing under control. To an onlooker, I was sitting still and silent but inside there was a battle going on, fury and shame at my inability to be emotionless and at my fear waging war with the part of me that hadn’t stepped outside in years. I’d grown used to the rooms and corridors of Stark Tower, and although Jarvis no longer darkened all the windows, I always stayed well away from any views, but at least inside there were walls and ceilings, curtains if needed. Out there, there was nothing but sky and space, and if even that terrified me, how would I do with a city, with all its people and noise?

‘You’re doing great you know’, Bucky’s voice broke into my thoughts. I’d almost forgotten he was there, so intent on my own self-hatred. ‘A couple of months ago, you couldn’t walk down a corridor. Now you can go anywhere in the Tower. You might not see progress but it’s there you know kid. So stop beating yourself up that you can’t do everything all at once and enjoy what you can do’. His kindness was sweet, but somehow spurred me on to further shame. I shouldn’t need kindness and sympathy; I was supposed to be fearless. I stood and said – growled – ‘let’s get his over with’, then walked to the large glass door, opened it and stepped out.

I would have stepped straight back in again – and then run to the farthest basement and never come out - but as I stepped back, I bumped against Bucky who had walked out behind me. He put his arms around me from behind, holding tightly, and said ‘I’m here and it’s OK’. He must have been able to feel my heart beating even through his metal arm, it felt so loud to me. I felt dizzy but the physical contact kept me grounded as he led me over to another bench, not too far from the door, and not too close to the edge of the roof. He sat us both down, never once letting go, so that I was sitting tightly up against him, his arms around me still and now with both my hands clutching onto his arm where it wrapped across me.

We sat there for about half an hour, with Bucky making idle conversation to distract me. He talked about the weather, the swimming pool temperature, the time they’d had a barbecue on the roof and thrown food to birds, and the buildings you could see nearby. I’d been holding myself rigid with tension but gradually was able to relax and lean against him, giving in to the warmth as we’d both come out without coats and it was cold. His benign chattering was soothing and I started to feel OK. Nothing bad had happened so far, this was good, this was manageable. Maybe Bucky was right, and I was making progress, maybe it was OK to be proud of that?

After half an hour, we were both starting to feel chilled and Bucky suggested we go back inside. Still without letting go of me, we walked back in and into the elevator. When the door slid shut, I let out a breath I hadn’t realised I’d been holding and rested my head against Bucky’s shoulder. ‘Thank you. Really. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve the kindness you’re showing, but thank you’. I was drained from my early start, the emotions Sam had brought up, the tensions of companionship and agoraphobia. Bucky hugged me and said ‘no thanks needed kid’ then let me go as the doors opened back into the living area.

Everyone was still sitting down and chatting, and Pepper and Clint had now arrived with another woman I recognised as Wanda. This was a LOT of people and there was still a lot of the day to get through. I walked through into the kitchen to get a warm drink as Tony called out ‘hey Moley, I’ve been letting everyone know about your day of enforced company!’. Oh great, no pressure then. I made myself a hot chocolate and gave Bucky a cup of coffee then braced myself and went back into the living room. Smiling at the newcomers, I sat down and hoped that the discussion of my day wouldn’t continue, but with no luck. Bucky spoke up, explaining that we’d been out on the roof and Bruce let out a little cheer, leading to everyone asking how it had been and what I’d felt and how was I now and would I like to try more and so on and so on until Nat noticed I was looking fretful and changed the subject. I needed a break from all the attention but knew it wold be noticed if I left the room, so sat quietly and then slowly used my mental powers to make myself less noticeable. Not invisible, just removing anything that would draw attention so it was only if someone deliberately turned to me and wanted to speak directly to me that I’d need to get involved. It was only a slight respite, but enough just to give me breathing room. I sat back and shut my eyes for a second, then opened them to find Loki staring straight at me, obviously not fooled by the deception I was playing. I smiled nervously at him and a few seconds later he smiled back then looked away. He made me feel nervous, there was something slightly wolfish about the way he looked at me and I wasn’t used to feeling like prey.

A little later the group broke up as people went off to get lunch and run errands, and so feeling slightly less tense, I let my barriers fade. Steve looked up and said ‘hey, I’d forgotten you were there! Want some lunch?’. I grabbed myself a sandwich from the kitchen then sidled off to the library for a little peace. Bruce was in there so technically I wasn’t avoiding company but he grinned when he saw me and said ‘bit much huh?’ and I knew he wouldn’t give me away. I grabbed a book and sat down in an armchair to read while I ate, glad of the silence and Bruce’s calm presence. Finishing the sandwich, I put the plate down on a table and relaxed even further, the early start and busy day catching up with me as I drifted off to sleep. It was quite a bit later that I stirred and became aware that someone had put a blanket over me as I’d dozed. I let my eyes stay shut and enjoyed the warmth and calm that I felt as the tension had al left me while I slept. I became aware of some voices in the far corner of the large room and tried to identify them, then had to resist the urge to sit up when I realised they were talking about me.

I could hear Tony, Pepper, and an unfamiliar voice that I realised was Loki. I guessed they’d been showing their guest around the Tower and come across me in the library. The sound of my name, however quiet, had obviously been enough to wake me from my sleep and I couldn’t help but listen in.

‘…feel sorry for her, poor kid. Been through a hell of a lot and there’s a whole load of unresolved anger and hate in there.’ That was Tony. ‘she’s doing great though Tony, it’s just all that anger is directed at herself these days it seems’. Pepper. Then Loki’s voice ‘she’s not one of you and yet you’ve accepted her so readily, despite everything she’s done?’ He sounded almost affronted and I could hear tension in Pepper’s voice when she replied. ‘She’s had a lot more done TO her than she’s done and she is definitely one of us. Now let’s finish the tour shall we’ and they left. All day I’d had the sense that Loki was watching me, I felt wary of him and hoped he wouldn’t stay long, but put it down to my paranoia.

Once the door shut behind them, I stretched and opened my eyes. Bruce had left, he’d obviously been the one to put the blanket over me, and there was a note next to me on the table saying ‘sleep well and enjoy the peace, I won’t let on where you are because there’ll be more plans later, Bruce x’. I smiled, grateful for the respite he’d given me, then looked at my watch. It was getting late and I should probably show myself or else there’d no doubt be consequences. I picked up my plate and wandered back to the kitchen to clear up. Thor and Bucky were in the living room talking while Nat and Clint played cards in the far corner. I made myself some coffee to shake off the sleep and stood in the doorway watching, until Bucky spotted me and beckoned me over. They’d been discussing who would win in an arm wrestling competition, Thor or Bucky using his metal arm, and wanted to know who I thought would win before they tried, but I decided to be diplomatic and refuse to answer – an enhanced prosthetic made of vibranium or a God? Never mind democracy, who could choose?! – and they got distracted by attempting to get me to pick a favourite. Thor was nice, nothing like his brother, with an easy smile and a frequent laugh. Chatting, they forgot about their match and the conversation moved on. 

“It is good to be back here, amongst my friends again after so long” Thor said. “Yeah, what’s kept you away for so long?” Clint asked, as he and Nat came to join us. “Ah, my dear brother has been causing trouble in Asgard. He has long enjoyed causing dissent between friends, and has stirred up much anger in our father. Not for nothing is he known as the Lord of Mischief, although I am fond of him and he has long been loyal to me”. I felt a slight unease at the idea of someone called the Lord of Mischief being among us but Thor seemed happy to vouch for him, and he didn’t know us well enough to cause trouble, I was sure.


	13. An uncomfortable day of fun, part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for dinner and a movie at the end of a long day, but can you trust everyone you meet?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final part of ridiculously long chapter of ridiculousness. Probably too much fluff and not enough tension, sorry

The group broke up a little later as Nat said it was time to dress for dinner. She pointed at me and said ‘I need to borrow you’, so I followed her out then asked ‘what do you mean, dress for dinner?’. As always, I was wearing jeans, sweater and trainers, enjoying the comfort of the clothes but not caring what they looked like. Natasha grinned and said ‘oh golly gosh, did we forget to mention?’ then went on to explain that as another part of this torment, they planned to get me out of yet another comfort zone by having a dressy meal. I started shaking my head and going ‘uh uh, no way, I don’t even own fancy clothes and I don’t want to wear them and have people looking at me and laughing and no thank you’, backing away down the corridor with Nat stalking after me. With her usual speed, she grabbed me and twisted my arm up my back – I could have broken free but I knew her well enough now not to respond with force – and she frogmarched me to my room. 

‘We have clothes for you. You will look nice. Nobody will laugh. You will hate every minute of it. Then it will be over and you can say you’ve done it. All part of being part of the team remember”. I protested that nobody dressed up and she replied that I obviously hadn’t been to one of Stark’s parties yet, and that he loved nothing better than an excuse to get a new suit made.

It’s fair to say that I’d have handed myself over to Hydra in preference to Nat that evening. She pushed me into my room and told me to shower, and while I was washing, went and collected some clothes from her room. Once I was out and drying in a robe, she started holding clothes up against me, ignoring every opinion I had until she’d narrowed the choice down to two dresses. ‘Nuh uh, no dresses Nat! You can’t fight in a dress.’ She rolled her eyes at me and asked who exactly I planned to fight at a dinner and movie night with friends, then pointedly ignored me when I muttered ‘you, at this rate…’ She had out two dresses that I’d seen her wear before, a black one and a red one. She was holding the red out towards me but I decided I’d had enough. ‘No way, not red. Too noticeable. You make me wear red, I’m not coming’ and I sat down and folded my arms. She sighed, ‘fine’ and passed me the black dress. It was looser, with longer sleeves and less clingy, no way did I want to be even more of a laughing stock than necessary. She stood, arms folded, and glared at me until I put it on, then nodded approvingly and passed me shoes – at least she hadn’t gone for heels or I would have beaten her to death with one of them, quite probably. I felt like a child dressing up in an adult’s clothes, and refused to look when she suggested I see myself in the mirror. She sighed and said ‘baby steps Nat, keep repeating that, baby steps’ then sat me down and started trying to style my new haircut. When she then offered some make up I growled at her, and she laughed and said ‘fine, that’s enough for today then. I’m going to go get ready myself, see you up there’. She walked to the door but as she left, looked back over her shoulder and said ‘you look fantastic by the way. Buck’s going to have a fit’ then winked and left.

I sat there, feeling exposed and uncomfortable and faintly murderous. I refused to look in the mirror and I couldn’t bring myself to go up for dinner either. I’d heard talk that Tony had go some fancy caterers in and that was why he’d invited so many of the team, but the thought of walking in and having people stare at me turned my stomach and I couldn’t face the thought of eating. I felt my eyes growing wetter and realised that this was all part of some elaborate joke and that everyone was making fun of me. It was getting late and I guessed that everyone had sat down and were probably waiting for me to come, so they could laugh at me, when there was a knock at the door. I didn’t answer, but the door opened and Bucky came in.

“You coming kiddo?” he asked, as he peered in. The sun had gone down while I’d been sitting there and the room was gloomy. “I can’t. Sorry” I answered and he walked towards me. “Hey, no crying kiddo, what’s up? Jarvis, lights up” he asked, and the room brightened. He stopped. “Oh. Wow”, I looked down, embarrassed and waited for the laughter. “I can NOT call you kiddo any more doll. You look amazing”. I mumbled ‘ha ha, funny’ under my breath and kept my eyes down. Bucky crouched down beside me and lifted my chin up. “I’m not lying to you doll. You look beautiful”

“I feel stupid and I don’t know why I have to dress up and I guess everyone thinks I’m just a big joke and wants a good laugh” I said, a little more forcefully than I intended, and Bucky rocked back on his heels and sighed. “It’d be hypocritical of me to say you need to trust people have good intentions, but you do” he said. “Tony likes fancy dinners. We want to see you join in. Dressing up is fun. Nobody is laughing at you. And if they did, I’d eat them alive” He said that so vehemently I smiled, then he stood up and I realised that he was wearing a suit, the first time I’d seen him dressed up too. I was surprised to feel my stomach swoop and my cheeks redden as I noticed how handsome he was, and felt instantly like an awkward teenager. “Come on doll, come in on my arm. We’ll make a gorgeous couple, way better than anyone else there, plus if anyone tries to say they’re better than us, you know we can take them out too, right?” He gave me a heart stopping grin and crooked his arm towards me. 

If it’d been anyone else who’d come down, I’d have stayed I my room, but Bucky made me feel safe – ironically as he was one of the few who could probably kill me. I held on to his arm in the elevator and tried to convince myself this wasn’t some elaborate practical joke. As the elevator stopped and we walked along to the dining room, one I’d rarely seen used as everyone ate in the kitchen or living space, I took a deep breath and told myself that if necessary, I’d kill everyone there and then myself. This was an oddly comforting thought.

As we stepped in, I could see that everyone else was already there, milling around. It felt like a huge crowd of people – including the two of us, there were 11 people in the room. Nat, Bruce and Clint had sat down and were chatting. Steve and Tony were talking to Pepper, and Thor and Loki were about to sit down near Wanda. All the men were in suits, from Bruce’s slightly crumpled grey suit with tie askew, to Tony in something fancy and no doubt expensive, with a tie pin that looked like diamond. Loki and Thor were in what I assumed were the Asgardian equivalent of suits, although they looked like fancy armour, reminding me that the Asgardians were a warrior race. Nat was in a black dress, low cut and tight; Pepper in something pale and elegant, and Wanda in red. Everyone looked amazing and I felt very out of place. Pepper saw me first and smiled, causing Steve and Tony to look up. Tony, subtle as ever, decided to make me feel comfortable by loudly announcing “Ladies, gentlemen and gods – and goddesses Pep my love – our guest of honour is here!” Far too many heads swivelled in my direction and I could feel myself going scarlet. Bucky’s thumb stroked my back and he said “want me to break his arms doll, it’d be an immense pleasure” in a fake whisper. Pepper replied “I wouldn’t stop you Bucky” and gave Tony a shove, then walked over and took hold of my hands, pulling me away from the safety of Bucky. 

“You look beautiful” she said, and although I didn’t think she was right, there was no guile in Pepper and I didn’t think she’d ever agree to a joke at my expense. People gathered round and said all the polite things about how I looked nice and it was nice to see me dressed up and so on and I stood and felt awkward until Pepper sensed my discomfort and suggested we all sit down. I was seated between Bucky and Loki, with Nat and Thor opposite, and Thor’s loud and excessive pleasure in all the food and drink he was offered soon filed up the silence. I drank a little more wine than I probably should have, a little too fast, and felt a slight fuzziness in my head as we ate the first course. Bucky was switching between talking to me and to Clint on his other side but he kept his foot hooked around mine so I had a constant grounding sense of his presence throughout the meal. I listened in to conversations more than I joined in, but felt happy.

I decided I must have been wrong about Loki, who was charming and polite to me, making conversation about uncontentious topics that didn’t trigger any anxieties, or reveal my lack of knowledge of the last six years. He told me about Asgard, the buildings and the people, and kept my glass refilled, probably more than I was aware. As dessert was brought out, I realised just how relaxed I felt and sighed contentedly, wondering if maybe a permanent state of tipsiness was the way to live from now on, then smiling to myself as I decided that a serum-enhanced liver could probably cope.

Loki saw me smiling and smiled back. “It’s nice to see you are able to relax. Stark has told me a little about your circumstances and I can imagine you find it hard to trust”. The wine kept me from tensing up too much but this wasn’t really something I wanted to discuss. “I’ve been told you are one of the most powerful Avengers. I can imagine it was hard for Hydra to lose you”. I put my fork down and coughed, not knowing what to say. “Whoever’s hands you find yourself in, would be a most powerful player I imagine”. I didn’t like the way he looked at me, and the room suddenly felt threatening, then he smiled and drinking some of his wine, said “how lucky that the Avengers found you and made you one of them”, and I shook my head slightly, trying to shake my confusion. I guessed I’d had too much wine and smiled back at him.

After the meal, we all went to watch a movie, much to Thor’s excitement who demanded something with great battles and much carousing. I don’t know what they chose as within minutes of sitting down between Steve and Bucky, I fell into a tipsy sleep, rousing occasionally and aware that I’d slipped over until I was snuggled up against Bucky. At a loud explosion on the movie, and subsequent cheer of approval from Thor, I woke up properly and looked around. My head was still woozy and I suspected I’d feel like hell in the morning, but I felt comfortable. These were good people. I trusted them. Clint saw me looking over and smiled at me, raising his beer in a toast, which caused Nat to turn and give me a grin, and Tony to give me a thumbs up sign. As my eyes closed again, I decided that today had not been entirely bad. Just before I fell asleep, I saw Loki watching me intently, but sleep overtook me and I wasn’t aware of anything until Bucky carried me back to my room, took my shoes off and tucked me in.


	14. Bucky's Point of View

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another side of the story, seeing things from Bucky's point of view, from finding her at the Hydra base and moving from distrust to something a whole lot friendlier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this is the fourth chapter I've uploaded in 24 hours. Sorry! I should probably go do something a bit more useful :)
> 
> I wanted to try and put across Bucky's point of view, why he was so hostile to start and what made that change. It's probably rubbish sorry.

I didn’t trust her, not for one moment. Sure, I felt sorry for her when we found her, but that was it. We’d been making our way through the base in Siberia for a few minutes – me, Tony, Steve, Nat and Clint. Bruce was waiting out in the quinjet in case we needed anything demolishing by the big guy. The base was heavily armed and had a lot of Hydra soldiers, but it was no great issue to smash our way through it. After a while, we got to more heavily secured areas – fewer soldiers, but a lot more doors. Tony left one of his Iron Legions with us to break down the doors and went off with Clint to start the data retrieval process, vital to find the next base, and the rest of us carried on through.

We were pretty low down in the sub-levels by now and came across a row of locked cells. Typical Hydra interior design – concrete, damp, cold. Most of them were empty although the scratches on the walls and marks on the floor showed they’d been occupied once. Lucky occupants made it out, whether walking or carried, it had to be better than in. Fourth cell along and we found the first body, a young man. He was well muscled but I guess he didn’t feel too well given that his eyes had melted onto his cheeks and he’d bled out through his ears. Nat did a quick check but he was definitely dead. Two cells further along and we found another body, we didn’t check this one – from the smell alone we could tell this one was not going to be perking up any time soon. I pitied anyone who’d been near that smell for long, and then we walked along to the final cell and found someone else. Someone alive.

She was sitting on the floor at the back of the cell, pushed right back into the corner behind the bed. Eyes open and staring straight ahead, I thought she was dead until I saw her frantic breathing. She was pretty small, probably starved, but well-muscled, and heavily scarred. Her face was a mess, she’d obviously taken a heavy beating at some point and her teeth were smashed in and it looked like a broken cheekbone. Her hair had been hacked off in lumps, no doubt to attach electrodes at some point. I could guess what she’d been through, we’d passed enough rooms full of torture devices to guess, and I figured her mind was probably broken. If I’d been on my own, I’d probably have shot her, it would have been kinder. Nat probably felt the same, but Steve was with us and he’s nothing if not ridiculously honourable.

So, the Iron Legion blew off the lock and Nat went in. We thought she was probably paralysed with fear but as Nat got closer she could hear the start of a whimper, getting louder as she got closer. Nat, not known for her gentle ways, tried out a variety of ‘OK, we’re not here to hurt you’ and ‘sshh’ then the girl stood up, fast. Standing you could see she was even more hurt than we’d thought. At least three of her fingers were broken, there was dried blood and fresh on a number of wounds, burn marks, cuts, you name it. Her ribs were standing out and it was surprising she had the strength to move but suddenly she attacked. Nat was fast, of course, and fought back, and Steve stepped in as well and managed to get a tranq into her but she was strong. She’d obviously been enhanced, and that was when I started to worry about what we were taking on.

Steve took her back to the jet while Natasha and I finished checking the base. We had a few Hydra agents captive – Tony and Clint had already called in Jarvis to send a carrier – and quite a few bodies. I loaded up some of the equipment that Tony wanted to investigate, left them to finish up and headed to the jet.

Bruce had secured the girl with restraints, although if she was enhanced I doubted they’d hold, so he had given her another dose of sedative. I got everything loaded and Nat started the pre-flight routine and then set us on course for Stark Tower, before setting autopilot and coming back. The four of us stood and looked at her. She was, quite frankly, unappealing. Filthy, starved, broken and highly dangerous. She was obviously young but she was a Hydra tool. I knew what that meant, I’d been one too. I kept my thoughts to myself though, and waited until we all got back.

Once we were at Stark Tower, Nat and I got on with unloading and reports, while Steve and Bruce, the softer-hearted ones, took her up to the medlab. She was still sedated, so Bruce brought in one of our on-call doctors. By this time, I’d headed up to the medlab too to patch up a few cuts. The doctor whistled when he saw the state she was in – and he was used to us – and set about his work. Antibiotics, fluids and nutrient IVs, wounds cleaned and stitched, basic scans done. Result: she was definitely enhanced. She had severe internal and external injuries. She’d survive. He talked to Bruce quietly about sedative doses then arranged to send a nurse to help with the basic care and left.

Tony and Clint were back by now, Hydra agents handed over, data transferred for later research, so all of us stood over her and waited for each other to speak. It was Steve who started. “We have a duty to help her…” was all he managed before I said “she’s probably a killer. There’s almost certainly no humanity left. She’s a liability”. Steve looked at me and said what I’d been dreading: “so were you”. After that I didn’t have a leg to stand on and so I watched as they moved her down to a secure room, the nurse came in and cleaned her up, and the ball started rolling.

It was about a week later that she woke up. The nurse had been changing her IVs and shed’ been healing before our eyes thanks to the serum. The doctor could see no reason to keep her sedated so we’d thanked them, paid them off, and agreed to take turns keeping watch. It was Bruce’s turn when she finally woke and by the time Jarvis had the surveillance up on the screen, Steve and Tony had got down there and she had a broken piece of metal at Tony’s throat. Nat held me back from going down, pointing out that there was plenty of strength in that room to deal with her, and anyway, hadn’t I always wanted to have a weapon against Tony’s throat. We listened and watched as they talked to her calmly, then asked her name, and then she fainted. Once she’d dropped, Tony rubbed at his throat and all three looked awkward before Tony spoke. “OK, so, any bright ideas?” They tucked her up again and left, and we had yet another discussion about what the hell to do.

The next time she awoke, she was alone but Jarvis had been monitoring. Bruce and Steve went down, and Nat and I were watching on screens nearby. We saw her, well, do nothing. Come out of the bathroom, see them in there and then suddenly they were across the room. Nat and I were off and running long before we saw them stand up. Straight into the room, and straight in to her, knocking her over, and ready to kill. Steve and I had too much history and I saw red when I saw him in danger. If it hadn’t been Steve’s voice telling me to stand down, I probably wouldn’t have. I saw ‘threat’ and I acted instinctively, but his voice broke through, so I stopped and then all of a sudden we were giving her clothes and outside the room, where I stood and glowered as Bruce and Steve discussed next steps.

I did NOT trust her. Bruce had us all sitting in a little circle to make her feel at ease but I sat poised to jump and I knew she picked up on it. I saw her jump when Jarvis spoke and knew she was tensed, but so far she hadn’t attacked again. It was just a matter of time.

Over the next few weeks, she stayed in her room but awake. She ate and slept and people went in and out to talk to her and she looked relaxed but I knew it was fake. Jarvis was watching her, in addition to trying to identify her, but I spent long hours at the surveillance screen, looking for any sign of threat. Then Tony decided it’d be a great idea to get her out into the Tower. You can imagine my reaction – a Hydra weapon, a potential Hydra agent, free to wander? But everyone was taken with her by now, thinking she just needed a hug and some friendship and she’d be saved. Steve and I had a stand up shouting match about it, with him pointing out that I was no different to her, and me responding that that meant I knew how much danger she was. Seemed like I was on my own. I was glad when she freaked out leaving the room, it gave us a bit more time, but it also surprised me. She looked vulnerable, not something I was used to with Hydra, and suddenly I started seeing the kid she was, superimposed on the threat.

When she made it up to Bruce’s lab and Jarvis let us know she was going to be evaluated, I ran straight up the stairs rather than wait for the elevator. I wanted to see what she could do, but I also wanted to be there as protection. When I got there she was already running and she kept going so long we all started to relax, eating popcorn and making bets. Eventually Bruce got her to stop and she wasn’t even breathing hard. Then Tony got Steve lifting weights alongside her and we all started to realise just how enhanced this frail little broken kid was. Funnily, seeing that strip of nothing kid lifting weights made me feel more protective than I had when she’d been sedated and no danger.

When Nat challenged her to fight, every instinct said this was a bad idea. Running and lifting was one thing, facing off against a real opponent was another. I let them fight for a bit, both as good as each other, then decided I’d join in. I wanted her to know that I was there to protect my friends. What I didn’t expect was that she’d decide to take on both of us. Or that she’d win. Within a short time, I could see the blood lust rising and I knew her Hydra training was taking over. Alarm bells were ringing because she was GOOD, and when she hit us with some kind of mind power and we ended up on the wall, I thought that was it. Then I saw her blink herself back to reality and consciously reject her training, although it must have taken a hell of a lot of willpower. Knowing Hydra, she had built-in reflexes that were giving her immense amounts of pain and punishment for refusing a kill, but she didn’t show it, just did the right thing despite the personal cost. She let us down, unhurt, and I realised that maybe, just maybe, she could be OK.

I waited and watched her while everyone left and realised she was on the verge of panic again. I didn’t sense danger from her, just fear, and realised she was incapable of moving, so overloaded with pain and confusion. I helped her back to her room where she sat and shut down, a tactic I was used to from Hydra overload. I waited with her and watched, and started to rethink my earlier doubts. This girl was powerful. Strong enough to kill all of us. But she seemed desperate not to and she’d overridden Hydra training. Maybe she could be saved. When she looked up, I told her to shower and went to collect food for her, knowing that she’d need to be ordered around and treated functionally for a while. To get upstairs and find out they knew who she was was a shock – and then hearing her story was even more of a shock. Now I definitely could see her as just a kid. A tortured broken kid, who needed a second chance. At least when they’d taken me, I was an adult. I’d chosen to be a soldier. She was just a teenager who had mind powers Hydra wanted. 

When I told her her name, I could see hope flash in her eyes, that she could be more than a weapon. We left her to read the research herself, but I couldn’t help watching on the monitors. I saw her read and cross-check everything, looking up occasionally as if to test what she was reading against her memory but getting frustrated. Then she hit the images and suddenly I was calling to the others that she was having some kind of fit. I’d thought sedation might help and it was only when she told Bruce that she’d been locked in her head as every memory flooded back that we realised what we’d done. Just from the few memories I had of my time with Hydra, most of them being wiped away, I knew the torment she must be feeling. Six years of torture and grief. I hadn’t trusted her when she knew what she’d been through, but now that she remembered everything, I made it my mission to save her.

After that, I spent every moment I could with the kid. I wanted her to know that it was possible to get free of Hydra in your head, and to find a new life. I felt her watching me and sure, I enjoyed a bit of her hero worship over the next few weeks and months. I knew she trusted me and felt safe with me, despite our rocky start. She knew I understood but didn’t pity. When she decided to throw herself into her new mission of worldwide Hydra destruction, I had to ask the others to help. She couldn’t see that it was impractical, or dangerous, and she didn’t realise that she had to find more to her life than that. I spent more and more time with her and watched the humour start to come out, despite the fear. I liked her, a lot.

I’d thought I saw her as a little sister, right up until Nat got her dressed up and fancy for Steve’s ‘be a person’ plan. Heck, she was not a kid. I’d been so used to seeing the skinny and fearful, broken toothed and raggedy haired wretch that I hadn’t noticed she was gaining weight – and curves – her scars were fading and she was not a kid. She was beautiful. Sure she looked awkward and uncomfortable and ready to kill, but the fact she had no clue what she was like was endearing. I saw the others staring at her in surprise but she stuck by me. I kept my leg pressed against hers throughout dinner and felt hers shaking with nerves but gradually settling as she drank a fair bit of wine. When she fell asleep against me, I’d had a fair bit to drink too and it made me realise that I was in pretty deep now. I still felt protective, but the way I was feeling now was a long way from what a brother should feel.


	15. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to recover from excessive alcohol, and from the feelings that a day of company, and a day with Bucky, have stirred up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably turning out to be way longer than planned. And is probably rubbish. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has left comments though, it means a huge amount to me x

It is a proven biological fact that serum helps metabolise alcohol faster than unenhanced people can manage. This is why enhanced can’t get drunk as easily and recover quicker. However, given enough alcohol, and inadequate recovery time, and it is also proven that enhanced can get drunk and then feel like hell the day after.

Proven by me. Right now.

I woke up in my bed, blurry eyed, blurry headed and confused. I thought we were watching a movie? Weren’t we? It was only later that I found out Bucky had put me to bed. I moved my head slightly and then winced as the room spun and my head pounded. Looking beside my bed I could see a bottle of water, some pills and a note. 

I sat up, slowly, then paused half way while the room whirled again and my stomach churned. I made an involuntary groan of nausea and self-pity. After a few minutes, I was able to pull myself fully to a sitting position, and slumped back against the headboard.

“Jarvis, what time is it?” I asked, followed by a muttered “and what the hell did I do last night?” to myself.

Jarvis responded: ‘Good morning Miss Ruby. It is 8.07am. I can confirm that last night you drank the equivalent of two bottles of wine, two glasses of champagne and some of Ms Romanov’s Russian vodka. You laughed a lot and then fell asleep on Sgt Barnes, who carried you to bed approximately 5 hours ago. You have been sleeping ever since. I can confirm that your liver function is unimpaired however I recommend that you take the pills that Sgt Barnes left out for your stomach and head. I can also confirm that last night in your sleep, you snored for approximate 12 minutes in total, and said three words – Bucky, doll, and something I wasn’t able to detect. Would you like me to play you a recording of anything from last night?’

“No, that was excessively comprehensive Jarvis, thank you”. I slumped over to reach for the bottle of water and pills, and took them, sitting extremely still after until I was sure my body wasn’t going to reject them. Then, in a fog of self-pity and alcohol sweat, I slithered back down into the bed and fell asleep again.

Two hours later, I was woken by a loud pounding on the door. I sat bolt upright and felt a matching pounding in my head, slightly tempered by the painkillers and the serum. Luckily my stomach had settled while I slept but I wasn’t feeling at my best.

“What… who is it, what’s wrong, come in?” I yelled, and Jarvis unlocked the door to reveal Bucky, wide awake, obviously feeling fantastic and also obviously highly amused by my state.

I grunted and threw myself back down onto the bed, pulling the covers over my head. “Go away. I have the flu. I’m dying. Probably contagious” I groaned, then whimpered as he pulled the covers off the bed with enthusiasm and laughed at me.

“Come on kiddo, no excuse. I’m 70 years older than you and I’ve already been for a run! You need a shower and breakfast and to let us all make fun of you”. He was more hyper than I’d seen him before, his eyes sparkling and slightly manic.

“Noo, I need sleep and peace and then to hide away!” I countered, then yelled as he picked me up and walked me into the bathroom. I remembered how he’d helped me shower when I was first rescued from Hydra but now that I felt more… human… I squirmed at the memory, unsure if it was shame or something else that made my skin flush. He obviously didn’t intend to go so far today though, but dumped me in the shower, fully clothed (only then did I realise I was still wearing the dress from last night), turned on the shower, and left, laughing. 

I called out “Nat is going to kill you, this is her dress” as he shut the bathroom door, then sighed and realised that the feeling of warm water was actually soothing. I took off my clothes, leaving them dumped in a soggy pile on the floor of the shower, and washed myself, then stood and let the water beat on the back of my neck for a few minutes before sighing and getting out.

Drying myself, I caught sight of my face in the mirror. I was still careful not to look too often, as it could trigger my anxiety, but today all I noticed was the large bags under my eyes which, on closer inspection, turned out to be smudged mascara. Delightful. I scrubbed myself clean, cleaned my teeth, and put on a robe before opening the door.

Bucky was lying back on my bed, arms folded behind his head and a grin still plastered on his far-too-handsome face. I scowled at him, then gathered up some clothes and shut myself in the bathroom again to dress. When I re-emerged, he sat himself up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and spoke, more gently this time.

“You feeling OK doll? I mean, not just your head, but you feeling OK about yesterday?”

I nodded, then said, blushing “I don’t actually remember all that much about some of yesterday evening, but yeah. It was horrific, and better than I expected” He smiled, and I continued, thinking I’d better get it out before I got too embarrassed. “Bucky. I… Thank you” I looked up at him and met his eyes. “Thank you, for looking out for me yesterday. I know it’s stupid but I wouldn’t have got through a lot of that yesterday without you. The meal, the roof, Sam. Just, thank you”

He stood up, and put his arms around me, resting his cheek on top of my head, and sighed quietly. “Already told you doll, no need to thank me”. I shut my eyes and enjoyed the sensation of my head against his chest, able to feel the warmth of his skin and hear his heartbeat through the material of his shirt. I realised I was enjoying it a bit too much, so pulled away and asked “you mentioned breakfast?”

He’d also mentioned making fun of me, which was pretty accurate. We went up to the kitchen where most of the team were gathered – not all looking their best to be fair. Clint was nursing a black coffee, while Sam lay on a couch nearby, arm over his eyes, and snored gently. Steve and Thor were working their way through a giant plate of food each, looking, as always, feel of life, while Tony and Loki chatted to them from across the table.

As I entered the room, Thor looked up and let out a cheer. “The vanquished warrior has arisen!” he boomed, and I saw Clint wince at the volume. “You have proven yourself capable of drinking at a level not often seen outside Asgard!” Oh god. I had vague memories of talking over the dinner table, becoming more relaxed, but a lot of the evening was lost to me and I hoped would never return. I was quite glad it seemed I’d relaxed, but hoped that I hadn’t done anything embarrassing. I was sure they’d let me know if I had.

I made toast and coffee, and then sat down at the table while everyone made jokes at my expense about headaches, and enhanced Alka-Seltzer, and about tests to see just how much alcohol it took to make me start singing… I glowered, although the combination of Bucky’s painkillers, my serum, and some carbohydrates, meant I was feeling pretty much fine by now. 

“Well let’s not forget I am actually underage, so it’s all on you lot. Encouraging a minor to drink, shame on you all! I can’t be held responsible for the actions of my elders.” I was feeling slightly hyped up myself, able to give as good as I got. The feeling was a combination of adrenaline and embarrassment, but just for now I felt part of the team. I grinned as I drank my coffee. They’d forgotten that I was still 20. The years of training, the effect of the serum, everything I’d been through, most people assumed I was older. I knew the teasing wouldn’t stop but it at least shut them up long enough for me to get another cup of coffee and head back to bed for a bit.

I needed to be alone anyway. I felt physically fine now but I was aware that there was a lot going on in my head that I needed to process. I sat on the bed, leaning back against the wall, drinking my coffee, and thinking about yesterday. I’d gone into the day full of nerves at all the company and yet I’d come out of it feeling good. Some of that could be alcohol in my system still inhibiting my anxieties, but something had changed. Maybe it was the effects of my talk with Sam which had been rolling through my head throughout the day, maybe it was the care everyone had shown, which I hadn’t expected – the gentle teasing about my hair, the way they involved me in conversations. I found it hard, still, and I needed my space, but I almost believed that I could fit in here. I knew I had to find Steve and thank him for forcing this on me, and thank Sam for talking to me – and ask if we could make this a regular thing. Thank Nat for the dress. Thank Bucky again… my skin prickled when I thought about Bucky. It was a relief to have someone who genuinely knew what I’d been through; someone I didn’t have to explain about the rage and the fear. But it wasn’t that that came into my head, it was the tender way he’d kept hold of me when I was scared on the roof, the way he’d kept his leg touching mine throughout dinner so I knew he was there. It was a hundred little things that made me know he cared, and which terrified me. I was starting to believe I could be accepted now, despite everything, but I couldn’t accept myself yet, and I certainly couldn’t allow myself to have feelings for someone. 

I blew out a huff of breath and rolled my head to ease a stiff neck, then noticed the piece of paper Bucky had left beside the bed with my water. I picked it up and unfolded it.

‘Hey doll. Hope you’re not suffering too much this morning. Just wanted to let you know I’m proud of you, you got through the day and you did great. You know we won’t let this be the last time you relax, don’t you? I’m glad you could put the mission aside for a day, and I’m glad I got to be there with you. Call me when you wake up? Bucky x’

I didn’t realise I was smiling as I read the note. I carefully smoothed it closed again and put it safely in a drawer. This was something that was just for me, the way I felt. I couldn’t admit it to anyone but in the safety of my locked room, I knew I’d read that again. For now, I needed to get back into the safety of mission prep, and not let myself risk emotions just yet.

I was about to go and beat up some punch bags, and try not to think about Bucky’s arms around me, when Jarvis’s voice spoke up. ‘Miss Ruby, Captain Rogers has asked if you can head to the control room. The team is preparing for a mission and would like you to accompany them’.

I garbled out an acknowledgement to Jarvis, telling him I’d be on my way, but stood, paralysed, in my room. They wanted me out on a mission? Could they trust me? Could I trust myself? Could I even make it outside, after the fear I’d felt yesterday? I took a shaky breath, and made my way upstairs.


	16. Dangerous mission, with a dangerous outcome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Going out on her first mission with the Avengers, it's time to find out if she can overcome her Hydra-side, but there's a snake in the Avengers camp to battle too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been cheating on this fic with my two other fics. I'm so sorry, those two meant nothing to me!
> 
> New chapter. All full of misery and angst because apparently I am incapable of happiness. Lots of violence so apologies if you don't like that sort of thing. 
> 
> x

I made it up to the control room, I’m not sure how. My heart was beating fast. I knew some of the team had been out on missions while I’d been recovering, but I’d never been asked to go along. What had changed? Did they feel they could trust me now, or was there something out there that they needed me for?

As I walked in, I could see Steve, Bucky and Tony standing around a screen and talking. Nat and Clint were probably off prepping weapons and Bruce would be getting the quinjet ready. I didn’t know where Wanda or Sam were, maybe they just wanted an extra member? I coughed slightly, to let them know I was there, then felt eyes on my back and turned, realising that Thor and Loki had come in behind me. Loki as usual held eye contact with me for just longer than was comfortable.

Yesterday, I’d been feeling OK, today I was all nerves again. I didn’t even know still if I could leave the building, what use would I be if I had a panic attack and couldn’t even leave the jet? 

My cough had alerted them that I was there, and Steve waved me into the room. Tony crossed his arms and leant back against the table, while Steve started to explain, and I became aware that there were more eyes on me – everyone was watching to see what my reaction would be. This was starting to feel wrong.

“We’ve been using the data you’ve been pulling together, along with some extra intel that Nat and Clint brought back from the last mission. We’ve found another stronghold, a real deep cover base, like the one we found you in. We don’t know what’s in there exactly but Hydra have done everything they can to cover their tracks. We’ve got word there could be Hydra tech in there, plus some pretty high-ups.” He paused, but I had nothing to add – this sounded like a lot of missions they’d been on before so I still wasn’t clear what I was there for.

“Thing is Mole; we think your handler might be there” That was Tony. I turned to him, confused. “The guy who took you. Led your, well, let’s call it training. Took you out on missions. His name’s Rumlow and he’s been off the radar for a while, but we’ve had cameras trained on the base for a few days, since we found it and we think we’ve ID’d him.”

Tony spun the screen across the table towards me, and I grabbed at it before it slid off. As my hand caught it, I saw the picture that was displayed. It was grainy, low quality, and from a bad angle, but I knew that face. I dropped the screen onto the table and pushed my chair back, involuntarily, wanting to get away from that picture. I saw Steve and Tony exchange a glance and tried to take control of myself.

“I want in. On this mission. I want to be there” I said. I could feel my training kick in, my body was releasing chemicals to stimulate my muscles, my lungs were working harder to oxygenate my blood, and my mind was setting into cold hard channels, ready to comply. A small part of my mind cried as I felt my hard-won humanity slipping away but this was what I was made for and I should never have tried to escape. I saw Bucky become aware of the changes and look at me with sadness in his eyes before dropping his head to his chest, but I had to do this. There was a long pause, and then it was Bucky who spoke. Perhaps he was the only one who could ask this question.

“Can we trust you? Can we trust you to go for Hydra and not to make us your mission? Because we will have to take you out if you turn, you know that? The mission is always more than one person, and we can’t have it jeopardised.” I nodded. My life wasn’t important any more, just the mission, that made sense. 

“Understood. But it won’t be a problem. I set my own missions now. And I want Rumlow.” Silence again then Clint spoke from behind me, where he’d just stepped into the room with Natasha. We hadn’t had much to do with each other so far but he’d seemed like a nice guy, but I hadn’t realised he was as perceptive as it now seemed.

“You do your mission. We’ll do ours – destroy Hydra, take out the base, gather intel. Then when it’s over, you come back, and you let us find you again. Help you find yourself. OK?” My body was too mission-ready to fully understand the kindness of his words but I nodded and gave him a smile. I didn’t believe it was possible again but if it made him feel better, let him think that was the plan. My mission now was to kill Rumlow, and I wasn’t bothered about my life.

It was a sober team that loaded up the quinjet and set off. I was pleased to find that the chemicals flooding my system stopped me from feeling the agoraphobia that would otherwise have hit me. We settled in to the jet as it flew on autopilot, I wasn’t sure exactly where we were going but we had a few hours’ flight time still. Tony set out the photos and plans they’d been able to find, and we started discussing tactics.

We landed the jet away from the base and set off on foot under cover of night. There was no talking, we all knew the plan and our roles in it, and the first part went off smoothly. Guards patrolling were taken out – alive where possible, for intel; if it wasn’t possible, then none of us cried about it. We saw the base entrance and Clint took out the two guards within seconds with his bow, then fired an explosive arrow at the doors. Within seconds, we were inside. Bruce had stayed back at the jet as a last resort, and everyone knew their part to play. Tony took off towards where we suspected the computer centre would be. Nat and Clint headed off into the main part of the base to take out as many as possible. Bucky, Steve and I split up and each went down one of the main branches leading off from the doors. According to our intel, these corridors should all meet up at the back of the base, so if we all cleared our paths, all should go smoothly.

I didn’t give any thought to the others as I made my way along. From a guard captured a week ago, we’d learnt that the command centre should be along this path, and that was where I hoped to find Rumlow, and why I’d been given this route to check. I easily took out soldiers who attacked me, my body on high alert and functioning at much higher capacity than these non-enhanced men and women. I cleared rooms as I went, making sure there was no-one who could come at me from behind. The base wasn’t heavily manned and I knew that it was Rumlow and the data that had really brought the team here.

I was purposeful, driven, and calm as I made my way through, then I sensed him. For six years he had led my training, from teenage girl to enhanced assassin. He’d supervised torture, and personally carried out much of it himself. He’d given me missions and sent me out to fight. He’d encoded himself into me so deeply that I could feel him ahead of me, and I wanted him out of my head.

Mission protocol went out of the window and my attacks became more frenzied. I could hear chatter in my ear piece but wasn’t really aware of what was being said, although I heard my name mentioned and tuned in to hear that Nat and Clint were coming towards me having cleared their area. I didn’t care. I wasn’t clinical any more, I was slamming soldiers into the walls and ceiling, hearing bones crack, uncaring. This would take a toll on my mental state at some point if I survived, but right now I felt like a predator on the scent of my prey.

I found Rumlow in a large office, designed to look as if it was in a beautiful home rather than a concrete bunker. I heard noises in my ear piece again, ‘she’s gone off protocol, you’d better get here Buck’, Nat’s voice, but I ignored it.

I saw him pale when he realised who I was, but then smirk and assume that he could control me. He spoke to me and I felt my body start to react to the sound of his voice, but jumped over his desk and clamped my hand over his mouth. 

“You don’t get to speak”, I growled, and felt his fear as he saw that he wasn’t in control. No-one was in control of me now, including myself. Just anger. I punched him hard in the stomach and he doubled over, gasping.

“You broke me” I said, my voice harsh. “I want to break you”. He was a soldier himself, and fought back hard, knowing he was fighting for his life, but by the time Natasha and Clint had reached the room, a few moments later, he was bloody and bruised. I had a few knife wounds and a bullet hole to my upper arm that I hadn’t even felt, but was otherwise untouched. 

As they came in, Nat called my name, “Ruby, bring him in alive so we can find out what we need to know”, but I wasn’t listening. I couldn’t. We continued to fight, Rumlow always taking the worst of it as I threw him against walls, punched, kicked, unrestrained now. At one point I threw him and he went over his desk, landing hard on the other side. Nat and Clint were standing back, aware now that they couldn’t stop this anymore than I could. Rumlow didn’t emerge from behind the desk and I moved forward, then sensed something. Instantly, I threw up the strongest mind-shield I could, and yelled ‘get out, bomb!’, pushing with my mind so that all the team had started stumbling for the exits before they’d even understood my words.

I grabbed at Rumlow and saw that as he’d fallen behind the desk, he’d pressed a button hidden at the back. There were obviously explosives all across the base, triggered to blow. I fell to my knees as the explosions started but I was holding the integrity of the building together with my mind. Rumlow leered up at me, “you’ve failed, soldier” he spat through bloody teeth but one more punch and he lay still on the floor.

By now I was on my hands and knees, having to hold myself up by sheer will as I used my mind to protect my team. I wasn’t capable of conscious thought anymore, but ‘protect them’ was my one driving force.

Bruce, out in the quinjet, had heard my shout and opened the doors to get the team on board. They arrived, forced out by my mind’s push and turned to see what they’d been forced away from. The building was breaking apart, but in slow motion. As the walls and roof exploded outwards, a forcefield was holding the pieces in stasis, slowing their fall to give the team time to get out. The field was all centred around me, where I knelt, gritted teeth, and bleeding from my eyes and nose with the power I was exerting. 

My voice came over their earpieces and they could hear the strain in the words. “Is… everybody… out?” Steve’s voice came back over my earpiece as he said “we’re out, you need to get out too, where are you?” but that was all I needed to hear. I was at the limit of what my mind and body could hold and now that the team were safe, I let go. Finally, the noise of the explosion was unleashed, almost feeling louder after being held back so long. The pieces of breaking building suddenly exploded outwards, freed from their restraints, and then as quickly started falling back to earth. I slumped forwards, onto Rumlow’s body, almost looking as if he was holding me gently but his heart had long stopped beating. Everything went black, and the debris began to hit.

\--

As soon as they’d felt the mind-shield drop, the team were running back towards the base, dodging falling pieces of building as they ran. Bucky continually called my name over the comlink as they ran, the others staying silent and letting his voice lead, but there was no response. The base had been wired to blow properly and there was little left standing when they reached the rubble, nothing even to show whereabouts I might have fought Rumlow.

Tony opened the visor on his Iron Man suit and looked around, then spoke. “Jarvis, anything on the trackers implanted on Ruby? Any sign?” There was a pause, and he shouted ‘Jarvis’ again loudly, impatient and scared.

Jarvis’s voice came through, impassionate as always. “The building was shielded which is interfering with the signals however I can detect a faint signal, I am sending the location to your suit Sir”. Within seconds, Tony had the possible location and the team were running across the debris, dodging fires that were starting and stumbling over broken building and bodies.

When they reached the area that Jarvis had pinpointed, they paused. No sound, no movement. Just broken concrete. Then Bucky bent and started heaving huge blocks of concrete out of the way, and the rest of the team joined in. Clint suddenly called out, he’d found a hand, and the team concentrated on more carefully pulling the debris away in that area. 

They unearthed Rumlow’s face, and working down, found me. Tony instantly had Jarvis scan me and there was a long pause before he said “signs of life detected, but severe internal injuries. No spinal damage detected, it should be safe to move her”. With a thread of my mind power remaining, I’d held the slightest forcefield over me even as I slumped into unconsciousness. Although it hadn’t been enough to protect me from the falling rubble, it had slowed its descent, so that instead of being hit by a barrage, I was gently buried instead.

I had, of course, no memory of being carried back to the quinjet, the flight back to Stark Tower, or my time in the medlab. While the team debriefed and watched cam-footage that we’d each been recording, they were silent, until finally Natasha spoke. 

“She was… is deadly. We can’t disregard that. She broke protocol and went on a killing spree. But.” She paused. “She also saved us. All of us. Even in the midst of that mayhem, that rage, she protected us. Her instincts were to save us. We have to remember that, that’s the bit that matters”. The team nodded, but there was no joy, knowing that I was still lying, half-dead, under Dr Cho’s care.

While the team focussed on my altruism, how I’d saved them even while barely human, when I finally awoke, my first thoughts were to the monster I’d become. I blinked my eyes open and recognised the medlab. I wasn’t sure how long I’d been there but it must have been some time as even with the serum and the IV lines I was yet again hooked up to, some days must have passed to start to heal me so well. I could feel the wounds on my body and face from the guns, knives and explosion, but they all seemed to be fine. My mind, however, was not.

Over and over, I kept remembering how I had lost all my humanity. It had been going from the moment I saw Rumlow’s face on the screen, and when I sensed him I lost everything. I became an animal, a killing machine, a monster, a murderer. My only thought had been to destroy Rumlow and everything he stood for. 

When Tony and Natasha came into the lab later to check on me, I couldn’t look at them. They saw I was awake and started to speak but I couldn’t bear to listen and shut them out. I knew they would accuse me of being inhuman. They must want me gone. All the fears and anxieties that had started to dissolve over the last few weeks reared up again. I wasn’t part of this team, I wasn’t part of this species. I was disgusting, nobody could ever want to be near me, knowing that I was out of control. I lay, trapped in my own self-hatred, and rejected anyone who came in to speak to me. I had reverted to the way I had been after my memories returned, but where then I had thought I’d been able to reject that part of me, now I knew that was all there was to me.

Eventually my body healed, but I still hadn’t spoken. Team members had come in and out, trying to reach me, and I had seen Bucky sit and watch me with a broken look in his eyes, but I truly believed that they must all despise me for a monster. By the end of a week, I was healed enough to be up and moving, thanks to the serum, when Loki walked in. I hadn’t realised he and his brother were still here, and watched him warily.

He sat on the chair near my bed, as I stood next to it, paused in the act of getting up. He smiled at me, dangerously, and spoke.

“I hear you saved the team. But of course, that was after you succumbed to all that training. Hydra obviously did a good job on you.” His soft voice didn’t match the harshness of his words as he continued. “They all think you’re a danger. Unstable. They haven’t decided what to do with you but perhaps another cell like Hydra had, buried deep under the ground. There’s no place for you here.”

I heard his words, and they mimicked everything I already thought. I also felt something pushing its way into my mind, like a snake entering, insinuating itself into my thoughts. The snake shut out any other voices, until all I could hear were the sounds of my own thoughts repeating ‘you’re a danger. There’s no place for you’ over and over. I had hoped this could be a home, but now I knew I had to leave. I couldn’t risk the lives of people I wanted to care for, and they didn’t want me here.

I didn’t hear Loki get up, but sensed him moving and looked up to see him grinning at me with pleasure in is smile but hatred in his eyes. None of it made any sense anymore, but the snake kept whispering to me and I listened.


	17. Voices in my head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following the mission, Ruby leaves Stark Tower and goes on the run. The Avengers have to work out what has caused it and find her before Hydra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More angst and misery because that's how I roll!
> 
> One more chapter after this, I think, and it might even contain happiness. And balloons!

After Loki left the medlab, I made a decision, I had to leave. I wasn’t wanted here, the noise in my head made that clear. The lab was empty and quiet as I walked out and headed for the elevator. Down and into my room, I got dressed quickly, grabbed some money and a few clothes in a bag, and prepared to leave. I paused in the doorway, then quickly took out my knife, and gritting my teeth against the pain, cut out the two trackers that Tony had installed in me – in all of us. One in my arm, one in my hip, I dug them out and dropped them on the floor, then left. I had no great plan and my mind no longer felt in my control but I believed everything that I could hear in my head.

I took the elevator down to street level and walked out. First rule of going on the run: run, don’t walk. I knew there were security cameras at the entrances to Stark Tower, and all over the local streets, so I kept my head down. I had limited time before they realised I was gone, so I needed to get out of the reach of CCTV. Not that I expected anyone to come after me, I was sure they’d be glad I was out of their hair, but I was used to thinking like a soldier and that meant getting out of sight.

We were in a commercial district, with high-end shops, street cameras, traffic cameras and dashboard cams on cars. I dodged down alleyways and used fire escapes to go up and over buildings, trying to show up as little as possible. Down one side alley I stopped, put a cap on, and pulled a different coloured hoodie out of my bag. It wasn’t much as disguises go but anyone looking for a green shirt and brown hair would need to pay a little more attention now I had a red cap and black top.

I continued like this for hours, slowly making my way out towards the residential areas where I hoped to find fewer cameras. I had no real destination in mind but something was drawing me out of the city to the north, I could feel a pull in that direction. 

By the time night fell, I was out of the city but the area all around was built up and it was hard to stay out of sight. I kept off the main roads, not wanting to risk being picked up, and skirted through parks and backyards where I could, keeping my head down on the streets where I couldn’t. I was still being pulled north and my thoughts were still in a cycle of self-hatred, reminding me that I was a monster, that I was unwanted, unneeded, that I needed to get far away. All the old fears and anxieties that I’d started to overcome had welled up again and I was running from my thoughts as much as from the people I so desperately wanted to call my friends.

I’d long since lost track of time. When it was light, I tried to find somewhere to lay low, although I barely slept. When it got dark, I set off again, heading north. I ate what I could find – fruit, stolen food. One night I fell ill from eating something I’d found behind a restaurant which had obviously gone off. I rolled myself under a thorn bush, ignoring the scratches in the hope that I wouldn’t be found, and lay foetal, sweating and vomiting, watching the sun come up and go back down again before I felt able to continue. I avoided stores, although I had money, aware that they all had security cameras and also that I probably didn’t look that respectable anymore, and I didn’t want to draw the attention of the police.

And still, I kept walking.

\--

It had been about an hour after Ruby left the building before anyone realised. Bruce had gone up to the medlab to check on her and keep her company, to find the bed empty. Assuming that she’d checked herself out and gone down to her room, he asked Jarvis for confirmation, pleased that she’d got up and made a decision for herself.

There was a pause before Jarvis responded. ‘I am reading Miss Ruby’s trackers in her room, but not the presence of any people there’. The AI even sounded concerned, which was a new thing. Bruce frowned, and asked Jarvis to call Tony, then headed to the elevator and down to the rooms. Tony and Natasha had been together in the kitchen when Jarvis’s call came in, so both headed down as well, meeting up with Bruce as he approached the bedroom. Jarvis unlocked the door and they walked in. Bruce checked the bathroom, but as he did so, Natasha picked something up from the floor.

“Guys, I think we have a problem”, she said, holding up the two trackers, still covered in small pieces of flesh. Bruce and Tony looked at each other and quickly, all three were heading for the control centre. 

“Jarvis, alert the rest of the team to meet us there and start scanning for Ruby. And check on security cams, is she still in the building?”

Within minutes, Bucky, Clint and Sam had joined the others in the control centre where Natasha showed them what they’d found. Jarvis reported back as they gathered.

‘I have found footage of Ruby leaving Stark Tower approximately 80 minutes ago. There was no curfew in place so it did not trigger any action either from myself or from security staff.’ An image of Ruby leaving the building, carrying a small bag, came up on screen. The quality was good enough to see a fresh cut on the arm where the tracker had been. Steve looked over at Bucky who was standing and staring at the screen, holding so tightly to the back of a chair that his knuckles turned white. 

Tony took control. “OK, Jarvis, link up with all the security cameras around here, find a trace of her. We can’t act until we know where she might have gone. Or why. Anyone have any clue what’s caused this?” Tony looked at Bucky, who he knew was closest to Ruby, but Bucky wasn’t engaging, focussed on the image on the screen. Sam spoke up.

“Been a while since we talked – before the mission – and I’m not going to give too much detail of what we discussed, but I’d say her actions on the mission just triggered something. Maybe fear of hurting people she cared about, maybe feeling that she didn’t deserve to be here? It’s something strong, because she’s just walked out without any sign of the agoraphobia that’s kept her trapped.”

Everyone felt powerless. Until they had a lead, there was nothing to do. Suddenly Bucky let out a pained yell through gritted teeth, and the chair back broke under his grip. 

“I can’t just stay here; I’m going out to start looking. Tell me if you find anything but I need to do something”. He left the building and Steve followed shortly after, to keep his friend under control. Tony nodded and then turned back to the screen.

Jarvis had logged into as many street cameras as he could, and been able to pick up traces of Ruby. They mapped out a general course, picking her up on occasion streets away from where she’d last been seen, but each trace was long over an hour cold by now and they knew she had the skills to disappear. Tony called up Steve.

“She’s heading north. Or was when last seen. We’ve got traces of her as far as the Bronx, then she’s gone. Doesn’t seem to be using any public transit, might have changed clothes. Don’t think she knows anyone out there does she?”

Tony could hear Steve and Bucky talking but as far as anyone knew, Ruby had no contacts anywhere in the city, or in the country. In fact, she had no-one but the Avengers, so where was she heading? Steve and Bucky headed back to the Tower to collect a car and start looking further north, but without more recent images, everyone knew it was a futile act, one designed just to feel as if something was happening.

Eventually, even Steve and Bucky returned to the Tower. They’d traced every street and headed way out to the city limits but there was no chance of finding anything. Nat and Clint had spoken to their contacts who were keeping their eyes open but with a stealth soldier, she’d be on the lookout for watchers.

Over the next week, the mood in the Tower was grim. Throughout the days, the team would ask for updates from Jarvis, knowing that if he’d found anything they’d be told, but unable to sit and wait. A chance image from a street camera brought some hope after six days, from a small town on the edge of Connecticut. Ruby had changed clothes, so at least they knew what they were looking for now. The image wasn’t clear but she looked haunted and gaunt.

Tracing a path from Stark Tower to her last sighting, they tried to guess where she’d be heading next. Although she was still going north, she was obviously keeping off the main routes, but at least it was a lead. Within half an hour, the team were in Connecticut and searching. Nothing. Two days later, they all returned to the Tower and to waiting.

They all met in the control room again, sitting around the table and hyped up on lack of sleep, caffeine and worry. They could stare at maps all they wanted, they didn’t know where you were going and Ruby was too good at staying off the grid.

“We need to go back to the start” Steve said. “We reacted to this all wrong, rushing out and not thinking things through. We’ve let emotions get too involved, this isn’t what we do. Trying to work out where she is is getting us nowhere, let’s go back to basics and see what’s triggered this.” There was a slight shuffling. This was what they were all trained to do, but somehow the urge to DO had overtaken the urge to think and they had acted impetuously.

“What do we know?” They talked back through the days before she’d run. Progress with Sam, a sense of breakthrough – maybe that had been too overwhelming? Then the mission, seeing Rumlow, saving the team. None of it made sense. 

“She was doing great” Sam said. “There was real trust coming out. And she saved you, why would she need to run after that?” Then Tony looked up.

“Jarvis, do we have any details of who she spoke to after the mission?” The voice from the AI came through: ‘as you know Sir, I do not record in the medlab for confidentiality reasons, however I can confirm that the last people to visit were Sgt Barnes, and then Loki.’ An image appeared onscreen of Loki entering the medlab, and then another, timestamped about ten minutes later, leaving. As the screen showed him shutting the door of the lab, a smirk appeared on his face.

“SHIT, how did we miss this?” Tony was furious with himself. “How did we not think of that bastard. What did he say to her? Screw confidentiality, we need cameras everywhere. We need him down here.” Thor and Loki had left a few days after Ruby had gone missing, not wanting to intrude, but with Loki unwelcome in Asgard, there was a possibility that they were still on earth. Natasha was instantly on the phone to Jane Foster, waking her up in England in the middle of the night uncaring.

“Jane, it’s Natasha Romanov, we need Thor, do you know where he is?”

“Um, what? Hi Natasha, it’s like 4am, did you know that? Um, yeah, I know where Thor is, hang on.” Seconds later, over the rustling of sheets, Thor’s voice boomed out of the phone, but Nat cut him off.

“Thor. You need to get to Stark Tower. Now. And bring your brother, wherever that little shit might be.” She hung up. There was an atmosphere of angry tension in the room and a sense of threat. Steve, trying to retain control, realised that if this spilt over into violence – all too easy with the mood of the team – they’d get nowhere.

“We can’t all question him. He’d enjoy it too much. I’ll speak to him, OK. You watch.” But Bucky refused, telling Steve he’d break his arm if he tried to stop him from questioning Loki. “Fine, you can be there, but rein it in. We don’t know if he’s done anything yet, and if he has, we need him conscious so you can’t just beat it out of him.”

It didn’t take long for Thor and Loki to arrive, landing on the roof and announced by Jarvis, they were met at the elevator by Steve and Bucky. Thor looked confused and Loki looked amused by the urgency with which they’d been summoned. Despite Steve’s best efforts, as soon as they stepped out of the elevator, Bucky had grabbed Loki around the neck and thrust him back against the wall.

“What the hell did you say to her?” he growled, but Thor grabbed his other arm and pulled him off Loki, demanding an explanation for this assault on his brother. For a moment it looked as if Thor and Bucky would fight until Steve’s voice boomed over the top.

“Enough. Guys. Calm it down, let us explain. Thor, Ruby has gone missing. It’s been over a week now. We can’t find her. We know that the last person to speak to her, just minutes before she left, was Loki. We just want to know if he can help shed any light on things.” Bucky was standing, scowling, over Loki who still looked amused by the anger in the air. Only Steve saw the way Thor closed his eyes tight for a second before turning to his brother.

“Loki, brother, what have you done? Why must you always bring your mischief to bear on every world?” It seemed Thor had no doubt that his brother had caused trouble.

“I merely spoke to her brother!” Loki protested, then continued, his eyes gleaming with pleasure. “I could sense that she felt… unworthy… to be part of this company, having shown her true side during your mission. If she then decided that it was best for her to leave, well, that cannot be on my head.” There was obviously more though, Loki was enjoying tormenting everyone too much and Bucky was ready to kill, but Thor put up a hand to stop him moving forward, and spoke quietly.

“Let me deal with my brother. I will find whatever information I can for you. Do you have somewhere we can go?” There was a pause, Bucky still obviously wanting to hurt Loki, but then Steve nodded and showed them into the kitchen, an incongruous setting for the two Gods to talk. Bucky and Steve waited outside in the corridor, Steve pacing up and down, Bucky leaning back against the wall, arms crossed and looking tense. There was no sound from inside the kitchen at first, then after a few moments, raised voices could be heard. Steve stopped pacing and both listened.

“Why do you care so for these worthless Midgardians brother? They are as nothing to us! Their lives are small and mean and paltry,” Loki spat the words out. “Yes, I used the girl. I crept into her mind and encouraged her to leave.” Steve had to grab at Bucky’s arm to stop him crashing into the room, as Loki continued. “Hydra have the tesseract, I want it. It should be mine, not left in the charge of some worthless humans. They wanted the girl back, she was the most powerful of all these pitiful creatures, and they had lost her. So because of me, she is now on her way back to them, although she doesn’t know it. She already felt that she wasn’t worthy of being here, that these people couldn’t want a monster like her. I simply crept into her feeble mind and encouraged that thought, and then gave her a push towards Hydra. She is almost there now, I am still inside her mind and I can feel she is close to the base. Once Hydra have her, I will have the tesseract. I care not for these worms on Earth and you demean yourself with your love for them.” 

Loki’s voice was deadly, angry and full of hate but had carried clearly through the walls. Steve knew the others must be watching in the control room too. He looked at Bucky in fear, both wondering if they were too late, and then it was too much for Bucky. He threw open the door and flew into the room, to where Thor had Loki pinned down in a chair, then with a scream of anger, he punched Loki hard in the face, throwing him backwards off the chair and onto the floor, instantly unconscious.

\---

Suddenly, like a light being turned on, my brain cleared. The whispering voice in my head had gone and the only thoughts left were my own. I had no idea how long I had been on the run, or where I was. Time seemed to both have rushed by and stood still, and I had only flashes of memories of the last days: stealing food from a shop, clothes from a line. Running along roads and hiding in woods, all the time with my mind feeling buried under the unrelenting force of someone else’s power. I had heard their whispers in my head for so long now that I had started to wonder if I was insane, but had believed the voices when they told me to run; that I wasn’t wanted or needed by the Avengers; that they would be better off without me. Now, a moment of clarity and I realised that these thoughts were from outside me. I wanted to go home. Maybe the Avengers wouldn’t want me after this. But I had to find out.

I was afraid I wouldn’t have long before whoever it was realised I was starting to think my own thoughts again, so as fast as I could without drawing attention to myself, I walked to the nearest mall and bought a cheap phone. I guessed from the strange looks in the shop that I was none too clean and respectable looking. They were happy enough to take my money though, and I left as quickly and quietly as I had come in.

Finding a spot in the mall where I could stand, part hidden by a large fake palm tree, and with my back to a wall, I rang the one number I could remember, where I knew I’d get straight answers. I knew I couldn’t ring Stark, or Steve… or Bucky. I was afraid they’d come at me with questions, accusations, guilt; that they’d lie to me and say I was welcome, or that they’d tell me the truth and say that I was not. There wasn’t time, I felt sweat on my back with fear of going under again. So, I rang Stark Tower and asked to speak to Jarvis.

His voice came on the line instantly and the familiarity hit me in the gut, making me slide down to the floor with my back to the wall. As fast as I could get the words out – unfamiliar with speaking after time alone – I explained what I thought had happened. Someone had forced their way into my mind; I didn’t know where I was; I was afraid they were going to come and find me, afraid it was Hydra. Then, almost not daring to say it, I had to ask. ‘Would the team want me back?’ The answer was almost instantaneous, but even so those milliseconds felt like forever, before Jarvis spoke: ‘I have already informed the team of your message and they are on their way to the quinjet now to come and find you’. I breathed out fast, unaware I’d been holding my breath. Jarvis told me to stay where I was, and that they knew Hydra were close, but I knew I couldn’t stay still. As fast as the quinjet was, Hydra would be coming for me too, and it would be a race against time to see who found me first. A memory flashed into my head, of cutting my own trackers out of my flesh before I fled the tower. I had to move, and keep moving, and hope that my friends could find me before my enemies.

I skirted the mall, staying close to the wall and eyes out. I was weak – when had I last eaten? – and as my brain become clearer, started to become aware of my physical state. I had bruises and torn muscles, healing cuts that I didn’t remember getting. I wasn’t in any condition to fight my way out, so I was going to have to stay under the radar. Everyone walking past felt like a potential Hydra agent, about to grab me, I had to leave. I saw an exit marked for the car park, and fled through it and down the stairs. Waiting on the floor below, I paused to see if I had been followed through the door, but all was quiet. I continued down to the car park, darker and quieter than the bustling mall, easier to spot any approaches. I became aware of voices in my head again and shook at the thought of losing myself. I couldn’t tell anymore which thoughts were my own and which were the whispering voices, urgent and forceful, that had told me I was unwanted, damaged goods, and that only Hydra could make things OK for me. I shook my head, but the voices continued – I didn’t know that back in Stark Tower, Loki had come around and was trying to regain control, to find out where I was and direct me to Hydra. 

I could feel my anxiety levels rising. Maybe the Avengers weren’t coming for me. Maybe they wanted to put me down as a threat. I had to hide. From everyone. Running now with no thought for the startled faces I pushed past, I made for the street level and ran on through the city. I saw a sign – Pittsfield, Massachusetts – well over 100 miles from New York. Had I walked all that way? But the moment of clarity passed and again all I knew was the urge to hide. Although weakened, I was still faster and had greater stamina than most people, and ran continuously, out of the glossy central areas and into a more rundown neighbourhood. By now evening was drawing in and the light was going. I saw an alley, between two shops, both now closed and dark, and skidded into it. 

I huddled down in the alley, squeezed between a dumpster and a pile of mouldering boxes. The smell assaulted my senses, damp and musty. Wrapping my arms around my knees, I dropped my head and concentrated on being invisible. No just hiding from sight, but hiding from all the senses. I used my mental powers to focus on not existing. On not being. Look away, look past me, nothing to see here. I could sense the…presence… looking for me, questing along the mental link that had formed between us and growing frustrated that I had disappeared. I lost track of how long I sat there, shaking and exhausted by the power I was having to use, then suddenly, a hand on my shoulder, and I knew I had been found.

I tried to shout but I was too worn down and it came out as just a grunt. Looking up, the light was in my eyes and I blinked, trying to focus on the dark silhouette above me, then a voice, one I recognised, spoke to me and said my name. It was Bucky. I was safe. At once, I used the last of my strength to send a backwash of pain and fury along the mental link between myself and the unknown tormenter. I screamed inside my head as I tried to burn out the bridge and free myself. From unknown distances, I felt the shockwave as it hit them, the surprise attack they didn’t know – I didn’t know – I could use. As the link broke, I could feel the waves of agony flooding back towards me. People in the street walking by shook their heads and looked up, confused, as they sensed the fear and pain from some unknown source, although they weren’t sensitive to these things, it was too great to avoid. I saw Bucky stumble under the force, and it was the last thing I saw before everything went black.


	18. Coming home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back at the Tower, it's time to confront what Loki did and see if it's possible to recover and find a home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK so I said this was the last chapter but it was too long, so I've made an epilogue after this as well.
> 
> Bit of angst, bit of fluff, maybe even some actual genuine happiness. I know, surprised me too!

Physically, I wasn’t in too bad shape. I’d lost too much weight and needed some good food; some good sleep in a warm bed; a shower; clean clothes. All of that was easily solved. Mentally though, I was exhausted. I was drained, by the constant up and down of the last few months. In some ways it would have been easier to have stayed with Hydra until I was used up. Trying to take back control of my life was hard, re-learning to live, make my own decisions; having to learn to trust. And now I was scared to trust even my own thoughts, having realised how easily I’d been manipulated.

Bucky had carried me back to the jet, and we’d taken off to fly back to the Tower. I woke up as we took off and tried to focus through the shooting pains in my head. Steve saw me stir, and came over, crouching beside me. I knew, I really did, that they hadn’t taken me back just to hurt me. That wasn’t Steve’s style. But the worry after our mission, mixed with the voices in my head, meant that I was convinced that I was a burden, a danger, unwanted.

“It won’t be long, and we’ll be back at the Tower. Get you checked over by the doc, get you rested, and then we’ll talk, we’ll explain.” He stood up, then turned, came back, and pulled me in for a tight hug. “Just don’t leave again, ok. Whatever your head tries to tell you, don’t run. Come and talk to one of us, just, please, don’t run again.” Then he was gone, back to the front of the jet. 

My brain felt raw and exposed. I couldn’t seem to shut out sensations at the moment, the flood of emotions coming at me was like a tide rubbing against my skin. I couldn’t even identify whose thought was whose, and I had no idea whether these were even real thoughts or if they’d been implanted in my mind. I shut my eyes again and leant my head back and let the tide wash over me, thoughts overlapping and overwhelming.

‘Wonder if she’s going to be ok?... Lost a lot of weight… Someone else has to tell her about Loki… We have to keep her safe… Still just a kid… Got to show her she’s wanted… I love her’. My eyes snapped open as that last thought scraped across my mind. Most of the team were on board, they’d all come out to find me. They were sitting, talking or checking equipment, busy, I had no way of knowing who was thinking what. I put that thought aside and slept.

I woke up again when we landed, and Bucky was by my side ready to help me down the ramp and back into the Tower. After my time outside, I seemed to have lost my agoraphobia. Not a recommended cure but at least it was something. Bruce tried to point me in the direction of the medlab but I shook my head and started back to my room. ‘My’ room. Did I have the right to call it that? I paused, turned towards Tony.

“Is it OK if I go and use a room, just to shower and sleep for a bit?” I asked, “I… don’t want to presume”. A second later, Tony too had pulled me into a hug. We were similar heights, and his mouth was by my ear. “This is your home. Don’t ask permission. Go shower, sleep, then we’ll talk”. He squeezed me again, then stepped back, holding onto my upper arms for a second and nodding. He ruffled my hair and then turned away.

I was grateful that everybody hadn’t stood around waiting and watching me. I guessed they knew I felt too exhausted to deal with anything now, so they’d melted away to various places in the Tower. Now there was just Bucky and I left on the roof by the elevator. The doors opened, and we both stepped in. I knew I needed a shower but had a feeling that I was going to crash out soon. Too many nights with too little sleep, and living with something in my head, had exhausted me. I reached my room, barely awake, and realised Bucky was just behind me still as I opened the door. I looked at him, puzzled as he spoke.

“I can’t let you out of my sight right now. I just can’t, I’m sorry”. He stepped in with me, shut the door, and pointed to the bed. “Go, sleep. I just need to be here”. He sat down in a chair near the bed, then jumped up again as he saw that I was swaying on my feet and ready to fall. “Come on, I’ve gotcha” he said quietly, then “Jarvis, lights down?” and the room darkened. I’d been wearing the same clothes for the best part of two weeks but I didn’t care and one more night wouldn’t hurt. Bucky lifted me onto the bed and took off my shoes, pulling a blanket over me. My eyes closed and I was gone.

For a few hours, I slept like the dead. I barely moved and I didn’t dream. Then as the deep exhaustion wore off, I began to stir as dreams and memories flashed across my mind. I was too tired to barricade myself from the flood, something I’d had to teach myself to do long ago, and so memories of my time with Hydra, with our recent mission, and of the whispering voice tangled with each other into a nightmare whirl. I started to whimper in my sleep, tossing and turning. Bucky, awake in the chair, saw me start to struggle, and was at my side in an instant, stroking the hair away from my face and whispering in my ear, ‘it’s OK, I’m here, you’re safe now’. His voice made its way through the fog in my brain and gave me some peace, and he started to step away but I held onto his arm as it reached across me, pulling his arm into my chest and interlocking our fingers.

“Don’t go” I murmured, “Feel safe with you, s’better”. There was a short pause and then I felt the bed move as Bucky lay down beside me, his body curling around my back as I held onto his arm. 

“I’m not leaving doll” he whispered in my ear, and I fell back into a dreamless sleep.

Twelve hours later, I finally woke. We’d both shifted in the night and now Bucky was lying flat on his back with my head on his chest and our legs tangled. He was awake, and I could feel him gently stroking my hair. I kept my eyes shut and enjoyed the gentle feel; I was so unused to any touch that wasn’t either painful or functional. Eventually my awareness of my hunger, thirst and filth meant I stirred, looking up at Bucky before I got up.

“Thank you. For staying here last night. For finding me.” I was still so afraid, but had to speak. “Why did you come for me? You saw what I did on the mission. You know what I am. You should have let me stay lost.” He pulled me back down towards him, wrapping his arms around me with a desperate tightness. 

“Sweetheart, this is where you belong. You’re no more a monster than any of us, we’re all damaged here. You were tricked into believing that, and now you’ve got to let it go. We want you. We need you. I need you.”

I could have stayed there for hours. It would have been much simpler to just lie there, head on Bucky’s chest, and not face anything else, but life isn’t that simple. A few minutes later, I forced myself to get up. Finding some clean clothes still in the closet, I showered, throwing away the clothes I’d been wearing for too long. It felt good to be clean, and once that was sorted, I realised just how hungry I was. Food was going to involve going out into the Tower though, and that would involve facing up to the people I’d let down. I left the bathroom and saw that Bucky was still in my room, sitting and looking out of the window. 

“I need a quick shower too” he said, adding “I’ll come back and get you, give me ten minutes ok? Then we’ll go get food together.” He waited for my nod of consent before leaving. God I was nervous. These were good people but I was afraid and my head still hurt with exhaustion and emotion.

Bucky was back well within ten minutes, and cocked his head at me from the doorway.

“Come on, you look half-starved doll” he smiled. “People are glad you’re back. Come eat, and we can tell you what we know. No one’s going to bite you.” He smiled again and I managed a half smile back, then followed him out. 

He must have alerted everyone that we’d be coming upstairs, because when we reached the living area, it seemed the whole team was there. Emotions and thoughts were still leaking into my head which I was too tired to barricade, so it got pretty overwhelming. Steve pressed a cup of coffee into my hand as I sat at the table, bone tired still, and used the warmth of the cup to focus and centre myself. Someone put a plate of toast in front of me and I started to eat, then looking up, realised I’d become the centre of attention. Swallowing, mouth suddenly dry, I knew I needed to speak.

“Everyone, I…” a deep breath, try again. “I’m so sorry. I’ve caused you all so much trouble over these months. You rescued me and since then I’ve been nothing but difficulty for you.” I could see that Tony and Bucky were about to speak, and waved my hand to quiet them. “Please, let me get this out. You’ve given up your time, and your energy, to someone you don’t know. You’ve been kind and generous and helped me so much, and this is how I’ve repaid you.” My voice cracked and I closed your eyes briefly, trying to get hold of myself. Everyone waited for me to speak again. I looked down at the table, unwilling to meet anyone’s eyes.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you had to see what kind of monster you’d freed. I know what I am now, I’m not human. I’m a killer, I’m a danger to everyone. I’ve caused so much trouble; I don’t belong here. I’m just… I’m so sorry. I’ll go today”. I hadn’t realised until I saw the drops fall onto the table that I was crying. I watched them pooling together, unwilling to lift my head.

A second later, arms were around me and at the same time there was a clamour of voices. The cool of one arm against my back, and the warmth against my front told me it was Bucky holding me, his face pressed into my hair so I couldn’t turn to see. Oh I’d miss this. Miss him, I allowed myself to admit.

“Guys, guys, one at a time” Tony’s voice rose over the babble. I hadn’t been paying attention, my mind too frayed to separate out the voices and thoughts and pick them apart. “Mole, kid, Ruby, look at me. C’mon”. I looked up. Tony was standing, arms crossed, on the opposite side of the table. “OK, we listened to you, you need to listen to us now. Deal?” I nodded.

“Firstly, here’s what happened. After the mission, when, let’s not forget, you actually saved all our lives, for which thank you, you were in the medlab, yes?” I nodded, I knew that. “You were lying there, thinking we hated you or you didn’t deserve to be here, or some such nonsense. Loki came and saw you. Remember that?” I nodded, slower this time. I did remember seeing Loki, but the fog that had descended on my mind had blotted that out. 

“Wait, did he.. what did he do? I don’t remember” I blurted out.

“Turns out, and we only found this out later than we should have done, he sold you out to Hydra.” I started at that, and Bucky began stroking my hair as he might a frightened animal. Tony continued. “Hydra wanted you back, because you’re powerful. Loki bargained with them that if he manipulated you to run, pushed you towards them, he’d get some powerful weapon they had. Powerful in terms of ‘oh hell no, we don’t want that crazy god to have it’” he added.

“He lied to you. That’s what he does. He got inside your head and twisted your thoughts, made you think you had to leave. You don’t. EVER.” Tony rested his fists against the table top, leaning forwards and forcing me to meet his eyes. “You belong here. Nobody around this table thinks anything different. We don’t care about what was done to you, or what you did. You. Belong. Here.” There were nods from around the table, then Natasha spoke.

“You know I don’t go in for pretty words and sweet talk. I’m blunt. I’ll tell you now, you try a trick like that again and I’ll kick your ass, ultimate weapon or no.” That lightened the mood and I smiled at her. “It’s only because that shit of a god got inside your head that I’m forgiving you. You’re my friend. You start to worry about things, you talk to us, you don’t run. Your brain starts telling you you’re not wanted, or you’re a monster, you talk to us. You’re frightened or angry or hell, happy, you TALK TO US. Got it?”

I nodded. It was easier than arguing with someone like Nat. 

“Yeah, unconvincing” she smiled. “We’re going to work on you. You think Steve’s compulsory happy day was hard, wait until you’ve felt the ‘Avengers make you feel loved’ experience. You’ll be begging for mercy.” She walked around the table towards me, saying “hey, Barnes, someone else’s turn” and then sat down and put her arms around me when Bucky let go. “You did something that no one else has done for a long time. When you went missing, I cried. I don’t cry. So you owe me, you stay here and you let us look after you.” She sniffed and sat up, eyes looking damp. “I can’t have someone out there knowing Black Widow has feelings, so you stay here, ok…?” I smiled at her. The sense of relief at the way I was being treated was enormous although the guilt was just as large. I couldn’t believe I deserved this at all, still.

“You need to eat, and rest” Steve said. “We’re not going to stand here and watch, don’t worry. But when you need to talk things through, you find one of us, ok?” The group got up to go, smiling as they went, each resting a hand on my shoulder or kissing the top of my head in passing. 

“And Loki?” I suddenly asked, before they all left. “What’s happened to him?”

“I punched him. Hard. Knocked him out.” Bucky admitted. “Thor’s taken him back to Asgard and he’s locked up there. You won’t be seeing him again.” He met my eye and added, grinning “Best punch I’ve ever thrown, I enjoyed that once I’d heard what he’d done” and I smiled again, a little bigger. Gradually people left until it was just me, Steve and Bucky left. Steve brought out some fresh coffee as mine had gone cold, and made pancakes, then the three of us sat eating together. Steve had said little so far and I was concerned that he was doing what he felt was the honourable thing, rather than what he really believed, so it was a surprise when he spoke.

“Don’t ever do that again”. He almost growled and I looked up startled, to see his face was wet with tears although his eyes looked angry. “Don’t ever believe you shouldn’t be here. You should. Not just because you saved us on that mission but because you’re our friend. We like you, we care about you, we want you here” He ran his hands over his face, scrubbing at his skin. “Please. Don’t ever, ever, fucking think we don’t want you”. I’d never heard him swear before and understood from that that he was very serious. He stood up and came over, pulling me upright and wrapping his arms around me. I barely came up past his chest and yet as I felt tears soak into my shoulder, somehow it felt as if I was the one comforting him. After a moment, he stood back, kissed my cheek, gave us an ironic salute, and left.

I was ready to sleep again. For the next few days I didn’t do much more than sleep and eat, then on the third day, as I woke with a little more energy, I asked Jarvis where I could find Sam. Heading down to the gym, I waited until he’d finished his workout and then stepped into view.

“Hey, how you doing?” he asked, as I passed him some water which he gulped down.

“I’m ok, I guess. When I can stay awake. My brain feels like it’s been peeled, but I’m learning to shut out everyone’s thoughts again. Or most of the time anyway. I probably know more about some people than they might be happy with” I grinned, thinking of the thoughts I’d heard from Clint the night before. “I was wondering if I could talk to you some time. Everything’s a mess, really, in my head. You helped me a lot before.”

“That is my job, so I’m glad to hear it” he grinned. “Let me shower, then come down to the office, say half an hour?”

We talked a lot, not just that day but over the next few weeks. Sometimes I’d go and seek him out, other times if he saw me starting to withdraw, or he hadn’t caught up with me for a few days, he’d come and find me, insist that I talk to him. It was damn hard at times but he drew thoughts out of me that I hadn’t even understood, helped me find new ways of thinking. At the same time, I was trying to fit back in again. Despite what Sam told me, I didn’t feel right yet. I went out of my way to be helpful, hoping I could deserve friendship that way; I slipped out of rooms when people came in, thinking they wouldn’t want me there. One evening, Clint stopped me as I was about to leave again.

“Hey. Ruby. Remember when we went out on that mission? I said you had to let us help you find yourself again, afterwards?” I nodded, although it seemed a lifetime ago now. “So let us. Stop excusing yourself whenever you’re around us. Stop being polite, it really doesn’t fit in here. Just be here, with us. We’ll tease Steve about how old he is, he’ll be shocked at Tony’s drinking and Nat’s language. Sam and Bucky will pretend to hate each other. You and me will play pool and I’ll let you win.” He winked, “How about it? And if I can get you to say something sassy to Stark, I will, I don’t know, I’ll think of something…”

“Admit to Nat how you feel about her?” I smiled at him and he stared up at me. “Remember how I said that I was finding it hard to shut out all the thoughts I can hear at the moment, since Loki was in my head? Yeah, I know everything”. I grinned. It felt good to tease Clint, I felt accepted for a moment and let him draw me back into the room.

Thor had joined us that afternoon, and had sought me out, pulling me to one side to tell me that Loki was locked up, after causing trouble in most of the Nine Realms it seemed. He said that he’d never be allowed back on Midgard, and that I had nothing to fear. Then he took my hand and spoke quietly,

“I am truly, deeply sorry for the trouble my brother has caused. Until now I had not realised fully quite how much he lives up to his name as God of Mischief and Lord of Lies. It is to my eternal shame that he has dishonoured our family so and I vow that I will repay this debt between us.” He raised my hand and kissed the back of it. I started to thank him as solemnly as I could but gave up and punched him lightly on his ridiculously large shoulder.

“Families are weird Thor. I don’t hold you in any way responsible for your brother’s behaviour. I’m just glad to have your friendship, if I have it. And a good drinking partner”. He grinned at me and I felt another weight lift from me.

Later that night, Clint had to stand on the table and tell Natasha how he felt, after I’d shut Tony down with, as Clint put it, ‘ultimate sass’, helped out by quite a few beers which had helped me relax. Earlier that day, Sam had told me that maybe I’d never be fully OK, but that nobody said you couldn’t be broken and happy, and I’d been rolling that around in my head for a while. I might always feel unworthy, but maybe that was me and maybe I could live here, with these people I liked, all the same.

I looked around me at the team, who were currently making all kinds of suggestive remarks at Clint, then howling with laughter as Nat joined him on the table and pulled him down for a very sensuous kiss. Suddenly I started to giggle. I tried to suppress it but it came out as a snort which made me laugh even more. Faces started to turn towards me, all slightly drunk themselves and happy, if confused, to see me laughing. 

My snorts turned into laughter as I tried to explain what was causing this but each sentence just made me laugh more. The laughter seemed to be contagious as the rest of the team cracked up watching me laugh and try to speak, then developing hiccups, making them laugh even more.

“I’m… I’m… I’m living in a billionaire’s tower” I forced out, bent over and clutching my stomach. It wasn’t actually funny but the thoughts in my head were ludicrous. “My best friend is a 90-year-old man with a metal arm. His best friend is a 90-year-old who gained 120 pounds in an afternoon.” I tried to wipe my eyes with my hand but hiccupped and set myself off again. “I’ve had my mind broken by one God Prince from another world, and my hand kissed by another one”. I’d slipped over now with my head in Bucky’s lap and the laughter and relief were spreading around the room. “Oh god, it’s all so ridiculous. We’ve got the world’s best archer, a Russian assassin, a man who turns green, a man who flies. None of this makes sense!” I paused, desperately trying to breathe, as I watched my friends also laughing at the stupidity of the situation, and the relief at the breaking of the tension that had held for weeks now.

“You’re all crazy and broken!” I said, pointing vaguely at them while I clutched my stomach and howled with laugher. “Oh god, maybe this is where the crazy broken people come when they don’t fit in out there. Maybe I really do belong here”. The rest of the evening passed in a blur of beer, laughter, and genuine happiness as I started to finally believe I could be OK.


	19. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Actual happiness!
> 
> And balloons!
> 
> (I suck at writing summaries)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned out to be much more epic than I ever intended, or realised - this is the first fanfic I've ever written.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who left kudos or comments because it really meant a huge amount to me <3 Sorry for any spelling/grammatical/punctuation errors and general rubbishness of the writing.
> 
> This sounds like an awards acceptance speech now. I'd like to thank the Academy...
> 
> Hope you enjoy the end. And the balloons!

Weeks later, and a new routine, a new life, had been established. I still met with Sam sometimes to talk things through when I could feel my anxieties building, but I also had others to talk to now. I worked out, I’d started helping Bruce out a bit in the lab and even started studying, trying to catch up on all those years of missed education. Tony called me Professor Molesworth when he saw me sat in the library surrounded by books, but he also sat with me for hours and taught me maths and science. I spent a lot of time with Bucky. Not always talking, or doing anything. I’d sit and study, feet in his lap, he’d read, occasionally we’d look up at each other and smile. We trained together too, both enhanced and a match for each other and the physical tiredness was great. We were almost inseparable – Tony called up Supertwins – both liking the fact there was someone there who understood without explanation, when at times the anger or the fear returned. We started trying to catch up on movies we’d both missed and insisted on more movie nights. We drank a lot of beer and sometimes slept in each other’s arms when the bad dreams came. Things got easier, and I got happy, which is why it was hard when I felt that something was wrong.

I was aware that people were whispering in corners, or stopping talking when I walked into the room. I tried to pass it off as paranoia when silence fell if I came in but it wasn’t. I could feel the old anxieties resurfacing, about my place here, my place in the world, but Sam dismissed them when I tried to talk to him, just repeating that I was wanted here.

I turned to Nat in the end, knowing that she was usually straightforward and honest but I still didn’t get an answer I trusted. She told me that Tony was organising another one of his dinner parties and it was nothing to worry about, that it was just guest lists and menus. She must have seen the disbelief on my face, but reassured me again, saying that people just didn’t want to worry me after the last time, telling me that at least this time Loki wasn’t invited.

Nat said I needed a distraction and so the next day she and Wanda appeared at my door and told me they were taking me out for the day. My agoraphobia had stayed away since I’d got back in the tower, although I didn’t particularly like crowds and felt a bit vulnerable away from walls, but I could live with it. I tried going out at least a few times a week, to practice being out in the real world, and to join in with everything I’d missed, but other than a few trips to the zoo, I was still happier in the Tower.

I didn’t know what Wanda and Nat had planned but when they pulled me into a fancy looking dress store, I groaned. They knew I had zero interest in clothes, we’d been through this before, so I resigned myself to a morning where they tried things on and I nodded and pretended to be able to see a difference between this black dress and that black dress. No such luck.

“Stark likes fancy for his dinner parties, you know that from before.” Nat said, adding “and last time, I lent you a dress and you ended up sleeping in it then wearing it in the shower, if I recall correctly”. I blushed, remembering how hungover I’d been and how I’d felt about Bucky. Wanda was grabbing dresses off the rails and suddenly they were both pulling me into a changing room and started stripping off my clothes. I shrieked, batting their hands away but they insisted I try on dress after dress. While Wanda and Nat inspected me, I stood awkwardly, repeating ‘too tight, too revealing, too bright...’ about most of the dresses until Nat asked me if I was sure I wasn’t actually born in the 20s, because I was acting like an old woman.

After a while, they let me get dressed again and told me they’d choose for me. It was at that point that I realised I had no money. Embarrassed, I pulled them both aside and tried to explain.

“Guys, I don’t actually have money, I mean, I’ve got a few dollars but, I mean, I probably got an allowance when I was 14 but it’s not like I actually have a job or anything now”. They both looked at me and laughed, leaving me blushing heavily. 

“You know you have a Stark Card, right?” I must have looked blank. “Nobody gave you one? Ah, we’ll get Jarvis on it when we’re back. You charge whatever you want to your Stark Card, Tony takes care of it. It’s ‘wages’ for being an Avenger. That, and for putting up with Tony. Look, don’t worry about it, it’s all sorted anyway, and Wanda’s already charged it. And no, before you start worrying, you don’t need to feel guilty about it or anything. Stark has enough money for ten times as many Avengers, and I can’t see you being the type to suddenly start buying islands.” I saw that Wanda was now carrying a big bag although I hadn’t had any input into what they’d bought, so I hoped to god it wasn’t the red one they’d been discussing.

Net they dragged me into shoe shops, where at least the fact I was physically well trained made walking in heels possible, if not something I saw any point in. They made me have another haircut, my hair now reaching my shoulders and all the bald patches long gone, then they finally let us go back to the Tower.

“Right, go have a shower Ruby, we’ll leave your stuff in your room for the dinner tonight” Wanda said, shooing me off as I tried to go and get some coffee from the kitchen. I complained, and she told me to go shower and that she’d bring me coffee. I was sticky from the heat so gave in.

When I came out of the shower, the parcels they’d bought were on the bed, and a cup of coffee was on the side. I breathed in the smell, holding the cup against me as I started to look through the bags. Oh hell no, the dress was red. It was the one that I’d rejected as tight, bright, low cut, too noticeable, not me, laughable. Was this some kind of joke? I unwrapped the other parcels, shoes, underwear, make up, but I was not in the mood. I’d wear something else, and take the dress back tomorrow.

Cross, I put my coffee down and went to the closet, flinging the doors open. It was empty. What the hell? I pulled open drawers, nothing. Through gritted teeth, I opened my door and stormed down to Nat’s room in my robe. She was in there with Wanda and they were obviously both expecting me.

“Hey, not dressed yet, you might want to hurry up a bit” Nat grinned.

“Where. Are. My. Clothes” I scowled at them both as they sniggered at me, and Wanda replied, wide eyed and innocent, that they’d left them on my bed. “Not those ones. Come on guys, you know I can’t wear that dress, I’ll look ridiculous and I’ll feel stupid. Just let me have some normal stuff OK?”

Nat got up and pushed me out of the room. “Not a chance. Go put that on or I will get Bucky to come down and knock you out, and dress you myself”. With Nat, you never could tell when she was serious.

I stomped back to my room and held the dress up, groaning. I put it on but I felt stupid. Like a kid trying to look like an adult. I knew I was sulking but I couldn’t stop myself. I just hoped this dinner of Tony’s wasn’t going to involve too many people.

A few minutes later Wanda and Nat both appeared and nodded approvingly to see I was dressed. They approached me threateningly with makeup brushes and did…. stuff…. to my face. Not much luckily, the serum at least meant I had good skin despite the fact I didn’t do anything with it. Nat handed me my shoes and when I put them on, whistled at me.

“Well damn it Ruby if you don’t look sexy as hell” she winked and I rolled my eyes, stomach churning with dread at the teasing I was going to get for trying to look like this.

Wanda called ‘I’ll see you up there’ and left, and Nat took hold of my hands. 

“Hey, Ruby, I mean it. You look great, stop worrying. Remember the last dinner, it was fun right?” I nodded. I had been fun in the end. “Good. Come on then, I’m starving plus I look damn good and want to get some appreciation too” she grinned.

We got into the elevator and I expected Jarvis to drop us at the usual level, where the kitchen and communal spaces were. Instead, the doors opened onto the lobby of the function rooms, a beautiful space Tony used for presentations and his gala dinners. 

“Wrong floor?” I questioned, but Nat nudged me forward and towards the door. I pulled it open and stepped in.

And ‘SURPRISE!’. My heart raced and if it wasn’t for Nat behind me with a steadying hand, I’d have either turned and run, or else gone straight into attack mode. ‘Happy birthday’ she whispered in my ear, grinning at the success of their plan.

The room was full, all faces I recognised and I was surprised by just how many people it seemed I knew, but it was pretty overwhelming. I hadn’t made it out of the doorway yet, so Nat propelled me forwards as I gaped. Tony was the first to come over, with Pepper. He hugged me and told me not to let Pepper see how beautiful I was or she might feel threatened. Pepper slapped him on the arm and hugged me, wishing me a happy birthday. More and more people drifted over – Steve, Bruce, Sam – all to hug me and grin at the success of their plan. Sam, like Nat, whistled.

“Damn but you look a hell of a lot better than when we fished you out of that Hydra cell” he grinned. “If I didn’t know you already had your eye on someone, I would be trying my very best here”. I knew he was joking – everyone was too polite to tell me how stupid I looked – but I blushed when he said I had my eye on someone. He didn’t know how I felt surely, about Bucky. I wasn’t even sure I knew how I felt.

“I didn’t even know it was my birthday” I said, changing the subject, and Bruce laughed, kissing my cheek. 

“21 today!” he said, as Tony added “now we can get you drunk legally, and I’m still determined to get you to try karaoke”.

There were balloons everywhere, damn it, who knew how much I loved balloons? They'd gone to town with them, the floor was full and the kids who belonged to staff in the Tower were having a whale of a time diving into them. I'd have joined them, but apparently I was an adult now? God I loved balloons though. I grinned around the room as I took it all in. Flowers, tables groaning with food and drink, and faces smiling at me all over. Yes, it was overwhelming, but my heart felt full. 

I was surrounded for a few more minutes, as people I’d met once or twice before came over, obviously having been kept up to speed with what was going on, Coulson, Lang, Hill, even Fury came over and wished me a happy birthday and an official welcome to the team. I was swamped for a while, then people gradually went back to their conversations and to the food and music. I tried not to show I was looking around but I hadn’t seen Bucky yet and I was disappointed he wasn’t here. As the crowd cleared, and Nat wandered off with Clint to find a drink, I felt a cold hand on the back of my dress. I turned, and Bucky was smiling down at me.

“Wanted to wait until everyone had left you alone” he said. I felt anchored now that he was here. Anchored and something else. Something I’d been trying to ignore for a while but was sure of now I saw him, cleaned up and suited and looking amazing. He leant down and kissed my cheek and I breathed in his smell, dizzying my overloaded senses.

“Happy birthday doll” he whispered against my cheek, his hand tightening on my waist and pulling me into him. I hugged him back and then he stepped back to arm’s length and eyed me up and down.

“Jeez…” he started, rubbing the back of his neck. “No, I’ve got to do this right.” He looked into my eyes. “You are by far the most beautiful woman in this room, and in fact the most beautiful woman I’ve seen. Always thought so but damn that dress just brings it home”. By now my face was as scarlet as my dress. Bucky moved his metal hand up to my cheek, blissfully cold against my flushed skin. “No need to blush, it’s all true, just own it” he grinned, switching to the other cheek. “It’d be an honour to have you on my arm tonight ma’am” he said with an old school charm, and I grinned, hooking my arm over his as we headed to get drinks and food.

It was a great party. People were kind and welcoming and I felt accepted. I drank quite a bit, giddy with a relieved happiness that my paranoia wasn’t justified; giddy with excitement every time Bucky put his arm around me while I was talking to someone, or stood close to my side so I could feel his warmth. Part way through the evening, going to the bathroom, I bumped into Natasha.

“Having a good time?” she asked and I nodded. 

“Thanks Nat. For everything”. I’d been thanking people all evening for kindnesses, for presents, for support, it as becoming almost a running joke but I felt insanely grateful and underserving still. 

“You’ve already done the thanks bit Ruby. No more! You’re knocking them out in that dress, knew you would” she smiled. “It’s not unnoticed whose eyes can’t leave you tonight, doesn’t take a spy to see something as obvious as the torch Bucky is carrying for you.”

“Bucky’s my best friend Nat. He’s looking out for me because he knows I find crowds difficult. That’s all.” I asserted, and she scoffed, taking a sip from her drink.

“Ruby, take it from someone who knows. Bucky has been into you since you got here. Now that he’s seen you in that dress, he’s got it even worse”. She smiled at me and said “it’s cute” as I rolled my eyes, then she was off, pulling Clint out to dance while he protested, until she pushed up agapist him and he stopped.

By around 2am, most people had gone off to the guest rooms Tony had provided. Clint and Nat were still wrapped around each other and dancing; Sam and Steve were stretched out on couches near the bar, beers in hand. Tony and Pepper were talking to a group of friends about to leave. I was sitting a little tipsily by the door, waiting for Bucky with some water for us both. 

He brought it over and I drank it down, keen to avoid the hangover I’d had last time. Bucky took the glass from me and put it down, then held his hand out. 

“Dance?” he asked and I laughed, shaking my head. 

“Wouldn’t know how Bucky, and I’m probably a bit unsteady on my feet anyway”. Without speaking, he bent down and took my shoes off, leaving my feet against the cool floor.

“Come on doll. I wanna dance with you. You can’t fall off those shoes now, and I’ll hold you up.”

The music was slower and quieter now as he pulled me away from the edge of the room, but avoiding the centre, staying where the light was dimmer. He pulled me in close to him, one arm wrapped around my waist, fingers of the other hand entwined with mine. I put my head on his chest and sighed, and we slowly moved together to the music. Bucky’s head was resting on my hair; I was shorter now without the heels on.

“You had a good birthday doll?” he asked and I nodded against his chest.

“Best one in six years” I replied, able to joke about my past more often now I felt secure in the present. I felt a laugh rumbling through his chest. We continued dancing together, alone in our own corner, talking occasionally but mostly in silence. My senses felt heightened by being so close to him. My skin tingled wherever he touched me and I closed my eyes, the better to remember this feeling. The song finished and another started and we continued to sway together, when Bucky spoke again.

“Hey Ruby?” I looked up, loving the way he made my name sound. “Been wanting to ask you something for a while, now seems as good a time as any.” I waited, our dancing stopping. “Didn’t want to do anything without your permission, you’ve had enough of that, but I wanted to ask if I could kiss you.”

I froze trying to see if he was teasing me, but I could feel his heart beating near mine and risked everything, wanting this so much. I nodded, mouthing ‘yes’ on my breath.

The first kiss was gentle and feather light. He brushed his lips against mine and instantly my body was alive with heat. He rested his forehead on mine, looking down to meet my eyes, silently checking if this was OK. I nodded slightly, and looked at his lips, wanting to feel them on mine again. This time there was more pressure, still slow, as he pressed up against me and my mouth opened to his tongue. He tugged at my bottom lip with his teeth, then kissed the sting away as I smiled against his mouth. Our kisses become firmer, deeper, and I was lost and giddy with my eyes closed, feeling every inch of my body pressed against him and full of desire.

I was lost in the sensation when the peace was shattered by a loud cry of ‘at last’ and I looked over to see Tony standing, arms aloft, doing a little jig. He pointed at us both and shouted ‘at last’ again, and Bucky and I descended into giggles against each other, and then into kisses again.

We stayed there, in each other’s arms, until everyone else had slipped away, not wanting to break contact, then Bucky picked me up, holding me against him, and took me back to his room. I was home.


	20. Postscript part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened next?
> 
> After Bucky and Ruby kiss, Bucky starts planning something new for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I missed Bucky and Ruby :)
> 
> I was supposed to be finishing another story but this came into my head so I had to write it down. There'll be two parts to this postscript!

Bucky and I didn’t sleep together that night, or not in the euphemistic sense any way, although we did in the 'falling asleep' sense. He carried me back to his room and we lay on his bed, kissing, then talking, then kissing more, for hours. I felt intoxicated with the taste of him; the salty feel of his tongue on mine; the shivers as he slowly whisper-kissed down my neck. I would have done anything he asked that night, but he didn’t ask and I didn’t know how to.

We feel asleep eventually, waking up in each other’s arms and I could have spent the rest of the day there, watching Bucky sleep. His lips were swollen and red, and I knew I’d done that. His hair was tousled, and it was my fingers that had tangled in it and pulled, making him whimper with desire. There was a red mark just below his collar, and I knew it was my teeth that had put it there. I loved lying there and looking at how I’d marked him, labelled him ‘mine’.

“What you staring at doll?” I didn’t realise he’d woken up, but his blue eyes were watching me watching him. His lips curled into a slow smile and he pulled me closer with the arm that was wrapped around my waist. We were both still fully dressed, his tie was undone and our shoes were off but I was still wearing the red dress I’d regretfully put on the night before, now twisted and hitched up uncomfortably. It felt perfect.

“Just some guy I like”

“Oh, some guy huh?” He tickled me gently on my back. “He anything special then? Should I check him out, make sure he’s legit?”

“Oh he’s something special, I guess. But he’s definitely not legit,” I leant forward and whispered in his ear. “And I like it that way.”

With a laugh, Bucky had rolled over, pulling me on top of him. It was no secret that he was aroused, I could feel the evidence beneath me and gave a little wiggle of my hips against him to make him groan. He wrapped his arms tight around me as I rested up on my elbows.

“You’re pretty damn special too,” he nuzzled his nose against my neck as he spoke. “You deserve so much good stuff, God you’ve missed out on so much, you…” He paused, and I took the opportunity to grind up against him again, my own moan joining his. Then, I let out a huff of disappointment as he rolled me off him and sat up.

“You have missed so damn much haven’t you?” I sat up too, puzzled at the sudden change.

“Um, well, I guess, yeah, but that doesn’t matter does it?”

“You’re 21 now but you haven’t had a chance to do all the normal adolescent stuff. You should do! OK, plan. I’m going to go shower and do some… stuff. You go shower and I’ll meet you in the kitchen?” He kissed me on the lips and went to stand up before leaning back over and kissing me harder. I pulled against his neck to try and keep him there and he kissed me deeper still, but then pulled away.

“Don’t tempt me. And don’t pout!” He grinned. “Good things are coming doll”. And with that, he’d gone into the bathroom.

I flung myself back against the bed with frustrated desire, but now that Bucky had gone, I realised just how uncomfortable and grubby I felt, so sulkily I sat back up and got up. Feeling like a misbehaving teen, I was about to sneak along the corridor – although I knew I WAS allowed in someone else’s room – but then spotted one of Bucky’s sweatshirts on the back of a chair. I grabbed it up and held it to my face – he’d been wearing it yesterday and it still had the Bucky smell I loved. I smiled and took it with me as I went back to my room to shower.

Las time I’d dressed up, I’d ended up showering in my – well, Nat’s - clothes. At least this time I took my clothes off and my head felt a lot better. I showered, enjoying the sensation as the water stung against bite marks on my neck and shoulders; then dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, pulling Bucky’s sweatshirt over the top. It was of course too big for me, reaching mid-thighs and covering my hands, and I loved the feeling of being wrapped up in it.

I didn’t really know what was going on between us. He’d asked to kiss me, and I took that as a good sign that he’d wanted to, but was afraid that his odd behaviour this morning was a sign of regret, although it hadn’t felt like one. To be honest, I had no idea what it felt like.

I put some socks on, still enjoying the sensation of warmth and comfort that I got after all this time, and made my way to the kitchen. Most of the team were there, eating, drinking coffee, and just hanging out. I smiled from the doorway at this group, who’d become my friends against all the odds, before they spotted me. Tony saw me first and winked. 

“Good night there, Mole?” he asked with a salacious grin, so I slapped the back of his head as I went to get some food, bringing a snigger from Natasha nearby.

In the kitchen, Bucky was making something that smelled amazing. He had his back to me, so I put my arms around his waist, resting my cheek against his back, and he turned in my arms to squeeze me. 

“Oh that’s where my sweatshirt went, you damn thief!”

“It looks way cuter on me though” I posed as I spoke and he grinned, pulling me in tight again until a sizzle from the pan behind him made him let go.

“Breakfast is served, beautiful,” he dished something up on to the plates by the stove and handed me one. Bacon and toast were steaming on the dish and my stomach rumbled. I poured out some coffee for both of us and we went back into the dining area, sitting close enough that our legs were touching.

The team gradually made their way over until everyone was sitting around the table, eating and drinking and talking. I felt a wave of affection for them.

“Hey, everyone. Thank you. For my birthday. And for the presents. And the balloons! And, for, taking me in”. I was probably blushing again not helped when Tony rolled his eyes and pointed out that I’d already said thank you all last night. “I know, but you’re al here together, and I just… wanted to”

“Actually I want to say something now you’re all together too,” that was Bucky.

“I realised this morning that Ruby has missed out all those teenage milestones. I wanna, well, re-do them,” his eyes were sparkling and I hadn’t seen him look this happy before. “Stuff all kids get to do. So, what are your suggestions?”

There was a bit of a clamour at that. Steve declared it the cutest idea ever, like the big softie he was. Natasha said her favourite teenage memory was the first time she broke a man’s arm with her thighs. At that, I pointed out that nobody in the room had had a normal adolescence

“Tony – billionaire with absentee parents. Sorry Tony,” he nodded his agreement at the statement and gave me a smile. “Clint – raised in an orphanage. You and Steve – both teenagers 80 years ago. Natasha – teenage assassin… Need I go on?”

“I guess that makes me Mr Normal then!” Sam spoke up. “I’m your expert!”

“OK, 14 to 21. What’s she missed out?” I was torn between amusement and embarrassment at this, but it was all in good fun so listened in as Sam, and then the whole team, gradually started coming up with ideas. A minute later, Bucky stood up and started rooting through a cupboard before finding a piece of paper and a pen. I muttered ‘seriously?’ as he started writing a list.

*Cinema date. Making out in the back seat of a car. Your boyfriend climbing the drainpipe to sneak into your room…

“My room is on the 36th floor Bucky!” I protested.

“Ooh, prom!” Sam said, as everyone ignored my interjection.

The list continued. ‘First breakup, sweet 16, temper tantrums, graduation, first alcohol, first hangover, learning to drive…’

Eventually the list stopped, as the ideas started getting more ridiculous. 

“Right, one more thing to add,” Bucky said, standing up and moving into the kitchen. “You get to have your teenage years all in one go, sugar. Trust me, it’ll be worth it when you’re all grown up.” He added something to the list then stuck it to the fridge with a magnet before giggling to himself and leaving the room.

I stood up to see what he’d done and then stopped, stock still in the middle of the room, as the rest of the Avengers also looked and then cracked up with laughter. I could feel my face burning up.

The list started innocently enough: ‘learn to drive, graduate, first date, prom…’ but then at the bottom, Bucky had written ‘have sex with good looking guy’ and drawn a damn winky face next to it. Whoever taught him about emojis had a lot to answer for.

I muttered ‘shut up the lot of you’ while also trying not to smile, and left the room to find Bucky. He was back in his room, looking something up on the computer and gave me a beaming smile when I knocked and entered.

“What do you think then?”

“Wait, are you serious?”

“Yes. Well, yea, I thought It might be fun…” his face fell. “I was going to take you out on a date. I mean, if you don’t want to though…”

It hadn’t occurred to me he really meant this but when I thought about the list, and all the things it represented, I felt tears well up unexpectedly. He was right. I’d been taken as a 14-year-old, just starting my adolescent life, and dumped back in the world at 20. I couldn’t ever get those years back, but this was a way to at least have fun pretending, to get a flavour of normal life and to just be silly for a while. The fact that someone wanted to do this for me, something so ridiculous and so meaningful, hit me hard.

“I love it,” I pushed the computer off his lap and sat there myself, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling us close together. “I love that you’re giving me back what I missed out on.” He smiled again and kissed me and for a while, everything else was forgotten.

A little later, Bucky pulled himself away from me, making me whine with displeasure.

“Mm, I’d stay here all day if I could, sweetheart,” his voice was throaty with desire. “But I’ve got some dates to plan. Go work out with Steve, use up some energy. If you stay here, I’m not going to be able to resist you.” He winked and then picked me up and dumped me off his lap. He squeezed his eyes closed. “Get gone, temptress” and I laughed as I made my way out of the room.


	21. Postscript part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cinema dates, dinner dates, first driving lesson and graduation.
> 
> All normal teenage things. Unless you're an ex-Hydra assassin turned Avenger, with a passion for a certain metal-armed 90 year old, that is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so the two part postscript is going to end up being three parts because I can't be succinct!
> 
> So just a load of inane waffle. Sorry.

So I did go and work out. I punched bags and ran on the treadmill and lifted weights and wore myself out for hours because it was still sometimes the only way I could stop myself thinking. Despite everything the Avengers had done, I still hadn’t come to terms yet with what I was, what I’d done. Sometimes physical exhaustion was the only way to get out of my head. I’d been there for about three hours when Steve came in. I asked if he wanted to spar but he said he wanted to talk. That felt ominous. I was still a little twitchy that at any point I’d be asked to leave because I didn’t fit in.

But it wasn’t that.

“You know, Bucky likes you, don’t you?” That was unexpected. I guess I looked puzzled. I mean, we’d kissed sure. A lot. And I would happily do it some more. But I figured that Bucky just wanted someone to kiss, and there weren’t that many opportunities to meet people when you were an ex-assassin with a metal arm.

“He’s just having fun Steve. It’s fine. You know I’m grateful to you all, for, well, everything. Putting up with me? Accepting me. Bucky’s my friend…”

“So what, are you saying you kissed him out of gratitude? Or a sense of obligation?” Steve looked angry now, I guess that wouldn’t fit his moral code.

“No, no! I…” Ugh. Blushing. Don’t look him in the eyes. Not that that was hard, he was so much taller than me. Looking straight on, I was eye to eye with his nipples. OK, no, that was weird too. “I… like Bucky. A lot. I mean, um. A lot.” Looking down now, eyes on the floor, don’t want to see Cap smirking at me. “He’s… saved me I guess. I feel safe with him. More than safe. I just, like being near him. A lot. But I know what I am, what Hydra made me, I know there’s not going to be anything out there for me, so I’m OK with whatever Bucky wants.”

I wasn’t being very articulate but I really didn’t want this conversation. I went to leave the gym but Steve held onto my arm, and there was no way I could break free of that helicopter-pulling grip without a lot more effort. I took a deep breath and met his gaze, expecting to see a look of amusement at my confession. I didn’t.

“You deserve more than you think. You’re more than what Hydra made you. Just like Bucky.” I blinked. I forgot sometimes that Bucky had been through years of Hydra ‘training’ too. He had his own issues. He’d been free for longer than me and had more time to deal with them, but I also knew that they weren’t buried all that deep.

“You’re as good for Buck as he is for you. And he cares about you. ‘A lot’.” He mimicked my tone and gave me a grin, I guess he’d seen through my verbal shorthand and knew what I meant by that ‘a lot’. He pulled me in towards him and wrapped his ridiculous arms around me then ruffled my hair as I pulled back, exclaiming that I was all sweaty. “Don’t push him away kid, because you don’t think you deserve it.” He let me go and I nodded and walked out of the gym, turning back to hear him call out.

“And you kids enjoy your date tonight!” He was grinning, and I had no idea what he meant.

I got back to my room, showered and changed, and then noticed a text on my phone.

‘Date, tonight? Stark Cinema, 8pm. I’ll pick you up. Bx’

I smiled as I texted back a yes.

At 8pm, there was a knock at my door and on opening it, I found Bucky grinning at me with glee. His eyes were sparkling, and he looked as damn gorgeous as always.

“Hey doll. Wanna go on a date?” Oh, he could charm the birds out of the trees. I loved it but I’d seen him charm everyone from Steve to Thor and so I didn’t take it too seriously. Nonetheless, I took the arm he offered me and felt a spark of electricity jolt through me.

“I know you don’t like crowds that much, so we’re not going out. That OK with you?” I nodded, grateful that we weren’t going to go and sit in a public cinema, but wondering how the usual Avengers movie night was really going to be a date. I guess this really was all just a joke.

When we got to the cinema room though, things were different. The screening room had couches and chairs all scattered here and there normally but someone – Bucky, I guessed – had lined them up in rows like a proper cinema. There was a sign in Bucky’s handwriting saying ‘reserved’ on the back couch. He sat me down on it with a wink.

“Gotta get the back row for a date, right?” The rest of the team started filing in and Bucky played up to his role, showing them to their seats, much to everyone’s amusement. Tony decided he wanted some popcorn at which Bucky pushed him back into his seat and brought out a carton, holding it out to Tony but then moving it out of his reach.

“Five bucks, Stark.”

“What?! You do know this is MY Tower and MY cinema room, Robocop?!”

“Five bucks. Don’t be a cheap date, you’re showing yourself up in front of Pepper.” Pepper grinned and joined in.

“Aren’t I worth it Tony?” Stark sighed and handed over the money, then yelled as Bucky handed out popcorn to everyone else for free. Once everyone was settled, he came and sat next to me on the sofa and set the movie going. It was a comedy – most of the team liked the lighter films, the tension of horrors and the violence of action films often just a little too close to home (although Thor always wanted ‘more blood!’).

Part way through the film, I realised that Bucky had been gradually moving closer to me on the couch. I saw him yawning and then realised he was going for the ‘yawn and stretch’ cliché and felt his arm wrap around my shoulders. I might not have got out much between the ages of 14 and 20, for reasons I don’t need to go into, but I’d seen enough rom-coms as a teenager to know this was a classic date move and it made me giggle. He squeezed my shoulder and whispered in my ear.

“Told you, going to do ALL the teenage high points. Cheesy ones and all.”

We finished watching the movie and then Bucky let Tony choose another as an apology. By now I was curled up against Bucky’s side and holding his hand. This might all be a farce but it felt good nonetheless.

At the end of the movie, everyone gradually made their way back to their rooms. Bucky and I walked back to my room, arms around each other, and I expected – and hoped – he’d come in. At the door, he stopped though, and turned me towards him. He tilted my chin up with one finger and slowly, gently kissed me. If his other arm hadn’t been holding me up, I’m pretty sure I’d have fallen over. I had it BAD. If just a kiss could make my knees weak, what hope was there? Hydra hadn’t given me the training for this. 

I felt him smile against my lips, and he kissed me again then broke away. I opened my door and looked at him questioningly, inviting him in, but he shook his head.

“Not on that stage of the list yet, sweetheart.” He started to walk away, but turned and pulled me against him again, kissing me harder and making me gasp. “Not saying it’s easy to resist though...” and then he broke away again and left.

I shut the door behind me and then flung myself down on the bed. I had no life experience to explain this.

\--

The next day, I woke up to another text message. ‘Would you accompany me to dinner on Friday, beautiful?’ I smiled to myself as I replied. The week passed slowly, because I was twitchy and wanting Friday evening to come. I did some training, I did some laundry, and I studied with Tony and Steve, but time dragged. Sam asked if I wanted to talk, as we hadn’t for a while, but I said no. I wanted to try and gauge people’s opinions of what was going on with Bucky but at the same time, I was too chicken. I felt like a kid playing at being an adult again, and I didn’t want to be laughed at, reading too much into what was just a fun game. Deep down, I knew I was still just a scarred ex-Hydra tool, and that wasn’t what the magazines told you was desirable. I knew too that my confidence and happiness were still just a pretty thin veneer over the anxiety and the fear, so I kept myself quiet and tried to enjoy things for what they were, not scratch the surface and release the things I was trying to bury.

By mid-afternoon on Friday though, I was a bit of a ball of nerves. Bucky had arranged that we would be eating out of the Tower, something that still scared me. I was fine with going outside but there was a little voice that wondered if Hydra were out there looking for me. I knew that Bucky and I could pretty much take down anything if needed, but I didn’t want to have to. Nat found me pacing on the roof garden with a scowl on my face and forced me to sit down with her.

“You know Bucky likes you, right?”

“Have you been talking to Steve?!” She looked at me, confused.

“What? Look, you need to stop worrying. Get yourself dolled up, enjoy dating an older man.” She winked at me as she said that and I smiled.

“We’re just friends Natasha,” I tried to convince her, then her words sunk in. “Wait, dolled up? Do I ned to dress up? Oh god you know I hate that!”

She smacked me lightly around the back of the head.

“Friends don’t kiss like that. And yes, you do. Come on.”

I let her take control, I’d long since realised it was just easier that way. She took me down to her room and sat me on the bed while she went through her closet, occasionally pulling something out and holding it out near me then scowling and hanging it back up. I knew better than to have any input, but I was glad when she finally handed over a dress that was a lot less… noticeable… than some of the ones she used on missions when she was undercover. White top, short sleeves, black skirt. I wasn’t comfortable with trying to look good – there was never going to be any competition with Nat or Wanda. Or Maria. Or Pepper… Or Tony or Steve, hell, any of them, let’s be honest. But at least I would look presentable.

So at 7pm, I was nervously waiting in my room again. I was berating myself for my nerves. This was Bucky. Bucky, who trained with me, and helped me with panic attacks and… had kissed me. Oh god, yes, nerves.

When I opened the door to his knock, he was smiling sweetly and looking as hot as hell in a suit. I tried to pretend I hadn’t whimpered at the sight. He handed me a bunch of flowers and kissed my cheek.

“Dinner, sweetheart?”

Bucky was the perfect ‘40s gent and I could see why the stories that Steve had told about him being such a hit with the ladies must be true. He held doors open for me, took my coat, pulled out my chair. I could see the waiter swooning over him and was feeling pretty swoony myself. He’d chosen a pretty quiet restaurant and we were seated near the back, which was a relief. I know we both hated to have our backs exposed. 

“You watch my back, I’ll watch yours.” To an ex-Hydra weapon, that was a real romantic gesture and I couldn’t help but smile.

The meal was nice and the conversation was good. Bucky was easy to talk to and we steered away from the hard topics – family, murder – all the things they tell you not to discuss at mealtimes (or is that religion and politics?) We talked favourite seasons and ice-cream flavours, argued about football versus basketball, cats versus dogs. We shared least favourite foods and bad jokes and taught each other some swearwords in other languages. Bucky opened up about his life ‘before’, about growing up with Steve, about his family. It was a side of him I’d never seen before.

When the bill came, I made the mistake of trying to split it. Wasn’t that what adults did? (Like I’d now. The last time I’d gone out for a meal my parents had paid… ok don’t think about that).

“Baby, this is a date and I’m old school. I’m paying.” He pulled out a card then grinned. “OK, well, Stark is, but it’s my signature.”

He helped me on with my coat, and opened the door for me, then walked around so he was on the side nearest the road and offered me his arm.

“I’m pretty sure this isn’t how teenage dates normally go Bucky, teenagers aren’t this sweet or considerate!”

“They were in my day darling. Or I was anyway.” He kissed the side of my forehead as we walked. “And you deserve it.”

I was falling for him. Hard. 

\--

Making breakfast the next day (after another night alone, seen off with another fantastic kiss at my door), I noticed that someone – presumably Bucky – had been crossing things off the list on the fridge. I also noticed that someone – and I was pretty sure that was Tony’s handwriting – had added ‘so many to choose from’ to Bucky’s ‘have sex with a good looking guy’. I grinned. Like there was any choice.

I didn’t have to wait long for the next date. On Wednesday morning, Bucky appeared as I was finishing my breakfast and grabbed my hand.

“We gotta go before he realises!”

I tried to ask ‘what’ and ‘who’ but Bucky was pulling me along the corridors to the elevator. As Bucky pushed the button for the parking level, he held up something in his hand – one of Tony’s car keys – and his eyes flashed with wicked humour.

“Oh my god, you are in SO much trouble!”

That didn’t stop us of course. Bucky had picked one of Tony’s most expensive cars to teach me to drive in. He opened the passenger door for me and then got in the driver’s seat himself, and we set off, heading out into the countryside to the Avenger’s other compound. We were both laughing, especially when my phone and then Bucky’s both buzzed with text messages when Tony obviously realised we’d taken his precious car.

“Should I reply?” I giggled and Bucky nodded.

‘Thanks for letting me use the Ferrari to learn to drive Tony, you’re a sweetheart! Rx’

The reply, when it came, contained words that I’m sure would have made Steve faint.

When we got to the compound, Bucky leapt out before I could move and had opened my door again, then let me into the driver’s seat. I had no clue at all what I was doing and, I have to admit, driving a car that was – with Tony’s customisations – probably worth well over $500,000, was pretty nerve-wracking. But hell, it was fun.

The roads in the compound were smooth, there were no obstacles, no pedestrians and no other cars, so I hoped that I couldn’t do a huge amount of damage. I can’t say I did well, but it was my first lesson, and I only stalled a handful of times. And put the brakes on too hard once or twice… or three times. After about an hour, my muscles hurt from the tension of holding the wheel and Bucky was starting to look a little green with the motion sickness. I happily relinquished control and he drove us home to face the music.

When we got home, Tony harangued us like two naughty schoolchildren while we hung our heads, tried not to meet each other’s eyes and giggled. Eventually he sighed and gave up, before going to inspect his car to see if we’d hurt her.

Bucky kissed me again and went off to train with Steve and I headed back to my room, feeling lighter and happier than I had for a long time. Only a few minutes later, there was a knock at the door and I opened it to find Tony standing there.

He came in, arms crossed, and I started to feel a little guilty. How would I pay if we HAD damaged his car?! But then he held out something to me, and I saw it was a car key.

“It’s just as well you’ve got me under the thumb, Mole, but you take one of my cars again and so help me, even the Hulk will seem like a feather in comparison.” I looked up at him, starting to stumble through an apology, and then saw he was grinning. “While you were off joyriding, I got you your own car. And lessons. With someone who didn’t learn to drive in the 40s.” He pushed the car key into my hand as I tried to refuse it, stammering that he’d already given me so much, but he waved away my thanks and started to leave, then turned back to me.

“You know old Metal Arm likes you Mole, don’t you?” What the hell was this?!

“Did you get that line from Steve or Nat?!” Tony looked at me, puzzled.

“You’re a good kid. He’s a… difficult man. Got a lot of issues. Hell, we all do I guess. He could be good for you, and you could be good for him, but if he hurts you, you tell me, and I will suit up for you and take him out.” Then, with a wave, he left.

\--  


The next morning, ‘learn to drive’ was crossed off the list, and ‘wanna fight me, Tin Man’ was added below Tony’s comment in Bucky’s writing.  


I was keeping myself busy between these dates, if that’s what they really were. Training, spending time with different members of the team, trying to live a normal life, catching up on news and sport and TV and trying to learn what I’d missed. I was also still studying with Bruce and Tony. Ashamed of my lack of education, I’d been working long and hard to improve myself. I’d been a top student back when I was at school and the serum had had some kind of effect on my abilities too, so I was a quick learner with an almost eidetic memory now. As a result, it was only a little while later that I was ready to take my GED. Bucky and Steve had gone off for a mission, which allowed me to study without distraction for a while (although Bruce sighed pointedly as the fourth text message in an hour came through from Bucky while we were revising chemistry).  


A week after my driving lesson, I went off to a local school to sit some exams. Tony, being Tony, had paid out and fixed things so I’d get my results almost immediately so it was only a few days later that I opened my letter to find I’d passed, with excellent grades. OK, so I’d missed out on High School and god knows as an Avenger nobody was going to be asking to see my qualifications, but it was important to me, a step to becoming ‘normal’ that I hadn’t realised mattered.  


When Bucky and Steve got back that evening, the champagne was cracked open and everyone celebrated. I felt silly, but once I’d had enough champagne, joined in the fun. I looked around the room part way through the evening and felt a rush of gratitude at the things these people were doing for me. Then I caught Bucky’s eye where he was talking to Clint, and felt an even bigger rush of … something. The same something I’d felt when he’d picked me up in his arm as soon as he got off the quinjet. He’d smelt of sweat and gunpowder and nights in the woods and it was enough to make me groan, that he’d come straight to see me before heading to the medlab or debrief, or a shower.  


There weren’t really many missions at the moment, so it was good to have them back, but it did mean that the team were throwing themselves into the craziest things to fill the time (despite Steve insisting we could use the time for training or research or bettering ourselves. Clint had thrown a cushion at him and got Cap straight in the face for that). So that was why two days later I found myself in a graduation gown and cap, feeling incredibly ridiculous, while the team sat on folding chairs on the roof garden, and Bucky shook my hand and presented me with a diploma. Everyone clapped and I bowed with an embarrassed grin before throwing my hat in the air then swearing as a gust of wind caught it and blew it off the roof. A little later Tony got quite tearful and hugged me repeatedly, saying he felt like a proud father, until Pepper rolled her eyes and took him away.

When Bruce and I were sorting dinner that night (Ok, we answered the door to a pizza delivery and were sorting beer and pizza to take up to the roof), he stopped me for a second and with a nervous rumble, spoke.

“You know Barnes likes you, don’t you?”

I sighed. Four times now. 

“You’re a bright kid. I saw that, teaching you. Think about what you want to do next? You could go to college. Or come work with me in the lab. But Barnes likes you and that’s a good thing. It’s not easy for people like us always to… get that.” I could see a faraway look in his eyes, although he wasn’t looking at me. I’d heard that there was something between him and Nat but things hadn’t worked out.

He met my eyes briefly, mumbled something, and then grabbed up the beer and left. I liked Bruce a lot, we’d worked together on my studies and I had helped him out in the lab running some tests. This was probably the first personal conversation we’d had though, and it touched me. Whatever reason Bucky had for this adolescent do-over, it was bringing me closer to a lot of the team, and for that I’d always be grateful.

I looked over at the fridge note. ‘Graduate’ was crossed off. ‘Bring it on, Buckyboy’ was written in Tony’s writing underneath Bucky’s ‘wanna fight me’. And next on the list was ‘prom’. Oh boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know anything about the American education system (or nothing that I haven't learned via High School movies, which obviously are entirely accurate, right?) so apologies for any errors in how it might work. But hey, Tony Stark is a billionaire, he can pay for the rules to be broken anyway!
> 
> Also, I’m annoyed that I've only used Natasha for dressing up. I need to write something to show how awesome she is because she's one of the best characters. Sorry Natasha. Sorry feminism.


	22. Postscript 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's prom time!
> 
> But before that, there's building climbing, making out in cars, and Steve in a crown.
> 
> And after prom, there's, well, smut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a) I know nothing about proms. We don't have them here. So basically Back to the Future taught me everything I know about them.
> 
> b) I can't write smut. I had to drink so much gin. (Yay gin!) and I haven't been able to read it back because I'd cringe, so if it turns out that Bucky has taken off his trousers three times, I apologise.
> 
> c) when I have less gin in my system, I'm going to write out Bucky's fridge list and i'll put it on Tumblr (marvel-lucy.tumblr.com), complete with notes from Tony, Bruce, Pepper and Ruby.
> 
> d) I can't write short things. This is nearly 7,000 words. Sorry

Well, what happens next after graduation but prom?! By the time this was next on Bucky’s fridge list, everyone was getting into the swing of things. We hadn’t had a mission in a while and when you get a lot enhanced or powerful soldiers, assassins, gods and the like, and don’t give them much to do… well, energy was high and pranks were getting ridiculous (think water balloons off the top of the tower, custard in Thor's boots…). This was a good distraction.

One evening everyone was sitting around talking and the group were sharing prom stories. Bucky admitted he’d ‘gotten a little fresh’ with Dot, who he’d taken to his senior prom. Bucky’s turn of phrase made Tony snigger, until Steve pointed out that in the 1930s, good girls didn’t put out. Of course, that didn’t make the sniggering any less, especially when Bucky pointed out with a leer that Dot had been really, REALLY good. Natasha then went and sat on Steve’s lap, all pouty lips and cleavage.

“Do you really think good girls shouldn’t, Stevie?” She used her best breathy voice and gave a little wriggle as Steve went bright red and gulped, shaking his head.

“No, I mean, things were different then. Whatever people want is fine right?”

“Oh good,” Natasha climbed off Steve’s lap, having made him as uncomfortable as possible, “I’d hate to tell Sharon you thought she was bad.” At that Steve groaned and buried his head in a pillow while Nat looked proud at the impact she’d had.

Tony’s prom story rambled on, and seemed to involve a lot of alcohol, a fast car, and at least two prom dates. Bruce’s admitted he’d taken his friend’s sister, who had then gone off with the quarterback while Bruce was trying to work out how to make the sound system louder with a bit of rewiring. Wanda looked bemused by the whole conversation, admitting that they didn’t have proms in Sokovia but she was looking forward to this one if it was anything like these stories.

The conversation came around to Steve, who’d now lifted his head out of the cushions and regained his composure. Clint asked if there was some heroic and honourable story about Steve saving his date’s life or rescuing her from a burning building, which was when Steve admitted he’d never gone to his prom because he couldn’t get a date. Seventy-odd years, a whole load more biceps, and the addition of Sharon, and you could still see the rejection in his face. I felt about ready to cry and was determined that Steve would get a do-over, just as I was. I wasn’t alone in that feeling.

“That’s it, we’re going Full Prom!” Tony declared. And that’s why, two weeks later, the room usually reserved for fancy dinners and swanky Stark Industries parties was now being overly decorated. Tony and Nat had wanted modern glamour and so there were beautiful arches and silver stars and globe lights; Bucky and Steve were reminiscing about the proms of the '30s and wanted something a little more understated, with a nice meal and a dance; Clint and Wanda decided to start research by watching a slew of films and declared we needed synchronised dancing like Footloose and an Under the Sea theme like Back to the Future. My only requirement was balloons. Balloon arches, balloon sculptures, a man who could make balloon animals, and one of those nets of balloons that falls down. OK, so I was getting kind of into it now too. Most of Stark Industries seemed to be invited and there were constant deliveries of alcohol, decorations, red carpets and god only knows what.

In the time before the prom, I kept busy. I trained non-stop, working out my frustrations on Steve and Nat. Nat was a great trainer and I always left her sessions aching but pleased with my progress. She taught me to use my abilities properly, not just throwing myself into the fray, but quickly assessing where and when to strike – Hydra’s training had been all about power, but this was much more subtle. 

I worked out with Bucky a few times too. We were evenly matched and with Nat’s training, I was an even more able fighter. However, although we started off well, we never managed more than about an hour before one of us would manage to knock the other to the ground, pin them down and then… we wouldn’t train any more. Something about Bucky all sweating and panting, pinned to a mat, was a distraction. 

A week before the big day, Tony decided to take me shopping. I still wasn’t entirely comfortable out and about, always having the fear of recapture by Hydra at the back of my mind so Tony paid for the shop to be closed while we were there. We spent half a day with Tony bringing me dress after dress to try on, while the shop staff helped out, or sat around and ate pizza that Tony had ordered in. I didn’t particularly like shopping but Tony was throwing his all into this, as he always did and I was getting caught up in his enthusiasm. Eventually a dress was chosen, along with shoes and everything that needed to go underneath it (luckily Tony decided to hand me over to the staff for that bit, declaring that he did not need those thoughts in his head, or Pepper would know).

When we got back to the Tower later on, I put my new purchases away in my room and took a moment to think about how my life had changed. It was still hard to connect my life now with the suburban life I’d once had, and even harder to realise that in such a short space of time I’d gone from Hydra assassin, desperate to die, to… whatever this was. Part of the weirdest family ever known. Friend to gods and billionaires. Accepted. I still found it hard to believe but whenever I felt myself sinking low, I wrapped that word in my heart and it gave me a new strength.

Over dinner that night, Pepper joked that Tony had never taken her shopping for so long, and asked if she should be jealous – all said with a grin.

“Mole is like the daughter I was lucky enough never to actually have” Tony replied, adding “Be thankful you haven’t had to raise her!”

“Gee thanks, ‘Dad’, should I storm out of the room at that?” I added, revelling in this ridiculous family. They’d never replace my own, true family and my heart would always break to think of them, but I wasn’t alone any more. Tony smirked and pointed out that ‘teenage temper tantrum’ was on Bucky’s list but Bruce had written that with my powers, it might be a bit much.

“Hey, if you’re the Dad, should I be asking your permission to take your daughter to prom then?” I know that Steve loved it when Bucky joined in with these jokes. He’d admitted to me that although Bucky had been part of the team before I joined, it was only recently that he’d relaxed and felt as comfortable too. I was proud, and slightly astonished, to think that I might have had anything to do with that.

“Well now young man,” Tony decided to play along, despite being around 50 years younger than Bucky, “what are your intentions towards my not-quite-daughter?” Bucky winked at me as he came over to where I was sitting.

“Entirely dishonourable, sir. Downright filthy.” The team broke down in gales of laughter as Bucky leant over and kissed me hard on the lips, and I blushed scarlet.

\--  
Two nights before prom, I was woken by a knocking sound. I was halfway to open the door when I realised the noise was coming from the window. I pulled the curtains back to find Bucky, hanging on to the side of the building.

“Jesus! Buck, this is the 36th floor!” I yelled as I scrambled to open the window. Not even a supersoldier could fall that far and survive, I was pretty sure. Once the window was open though, Bucky swung in slowly and I realised he was attached to a rope. He freed the clip around his chest and threw the end of the rope back out of the window, and suddenly Sam flew past, saluting and grinning as he went. He’d been holding the rope on Bucky while Bucky decided, in his own peculiar way, to climb the 36 floors to my bedroom window. Just because it was on the damn list.

So it was almost midnight and I was alone with Bucky in my room in the dark. You can imagine what happened next, right?

No.

He still didn’t stay. Oh, he didn’t leave straight away. It was almost midnight, and I was in my pyjamas, and he did have a lot of adrenaline pumping through him. He tried not to let his hands wander, but they did. I can tell you, there’s no better way to wake up than with one warm flesh hand, and one cool metal hand, sliding under your top.

The next day, I took Bucky out in the car Tony had bought me. I’d been secretly practicing with Sam every day – as the calmest of the team, he seemed the best choice for an instructor - and I was getting pretty good now. My enhanced reflexes and physical skills meant I was picking things up pretty well, and able to respond to other cars quickly. It was good driving with Sam as well because it was a chance to talk, but without the awkwardness of face-to-face. Sometime it was easier to open up when you couldn’t see the person you spoke to. I’d got very close to Sam, loving his childish side but also the fact that he matched that with an equal level of deep thoughtfulness, which I relied on heavily. I don’t think I’d have healed nearly as much as I had – or accepted the bits of me that would never heal, but learnt to live with them – without his incisiveness, his ability to show me another view point.

That said, when we went out for a practice that morning, and he opened with ‘Barnes likes you, you know that, right?’ I sighed. 

“You’re the fifth person to say exactly that to me Sam, what’s going on?” He smiled, obviously amused by my resigned tone.

“People care. About both of you. We can see how good you both are for each. You’ve made Bucky more human. He smiles more with you than Steve’s seen since the '30s, he’s not so tortured any more. And the same goes for you, you’re more willing to accept who you are when he’s around. It’s adorable to watch, and when people you care about get happy, after a hell of a time, it feels good.” I had my eyes on the road but I could sense him smiling. 

“Thing is, you’re both dumb. I bet you wouldn’t tell each other how you feel, so that’s up to us to do.”

“Wait, both of us?” That threw me, was Bucky getting the same chats as I was?

“Oh yeah. I mean, we all want to make sure you know how he feels, and same goes the other way. I’ve spent long hours trying to convince Bucky that you like him too. Neither of you feel deserving but you both gotta believe it.”

“So you told Bucky I like him?” I could feel myself getting flustered, even though I was pretty sure my feelings were obvious. I turned to look at Sam, wondering what reaction Bucky had given him.

“Woooah, eyes on the road!” I jerked my head back round as Sam continued. “Yeah, I did. And Steve did, repeatedly. Told him to behave around you, very honourable, very Cap. Oh and Nat punched Bucky in the head and told him if he hurt you, she’d go Red Room on his ass.” That made me smile. “To be honest, I’m sure Steve would say the same to you if he could bring himself to behave like that.”

“I don’t want to hurt Bucky, Sam, not ever.”

We continued driving after that, and I could feel a sense of warmth inside me, that people were looking out for me and rooting for me and Bucky. Sam asked how I was doing, generally, and I admitted that I was doing ok. I was even happy sometimes. I was having fun, living a normal life (or as normal as you can be living with the Avengers in a skyscraper). 

So when I took Bucky out for a drive that afternoon, I was determined to show him that I was doing well too. I was pretty tense without Sam beside me, but I’d practiced the route I wanted to go and although I gripped the steering wheel so tightly that my enhanced strength left finger marks, we made it there.

“Where are we?” Bucky asked as I parked in a clearing by a river. I could see he was making a quick threat assessment but I’d already scouted this place out and figured it was OK.

“Um, no idea really. But it’s secluded, so I decided to help you cross something off the list.” I felt a little awkward in case he rejected me, but his eyes widened as I climbed into the back seat of the car and gave him an encouraging nod. His jaw dropped when I slowly started to pull my t-shirt over my head, and by the time it was off, he’d scrambled into the back seat too, practically breaking the seat in his haste.

Bucky sat down and pulled me onto his lap, straddling his legs. My heart was racing just from being near him, and when he reached up and traced my lips with his soft warm fingers, I let out an involuntary whimper. Moments later, he did the same as he watched me suck one of his fingers into my mouth, and when I rocked my hips on his lap, his mouth fell open and his eyes closed, his metal arm pulling me closer. He pulled his finger out of my mouth and kissed me harder as I ground my hips into him, both of us moaning with the sensations.

By the time we drove back to the Tower, it was fully dark and we were both tousled and frustrated, Bucky insisting on trying to keep things PG-13 (but we’d definitely slipped into R rated at times.)

The day of the prom, there was an increasing stream of deliveries and I helped Pepper out, giving her a break from signing for flowers, food, glasses, a band, and all the other things that Tony had ordered as soon as it had crossed his mind. Finally, the deliveries seemed to stop, and we both set off to get ready.

I showered, put on the dress Tony had helped me choose, put on some makeup Wanda had explained to me, and took a deep breath to steady myself. I was about to go out of the door when there was a knock.

“You weren’t going without me were you, doll?” I couldn’t catch my breath at the sight of Bucky in a suit in front of me. His hair was looking curly and I could smell his cologne, and all I wanted to do was to pull him into the room and lock the door. He had a box in his metal hand and winked at me as he opened it and pulled out a corsage, then tied it around my wrist. Holding me at arm’s length, he whistled quietly to himself.

“Jeez. You’re beautiful Ruby. Beautiful.” He spun me around and then stopped when he saw that my dress was backless. I felt his hand slide slowly down my spine, stopping where my dress began, and resting on the curve of my back. Bucky’s voice cracked as he spoke, almost whispering to himself. “You’re so damn hot. Good enough to eat, I’ve got a mind to just stay in here with you and ignore the party tonight.”

I turned myself back around to face him and stood closer, our bodies touching. His hand on the small of my back pulled me against him and made it hard to think. I pressed a small kiss on his lips, then kept my mouth against his as I spoke.

“You know you’re a goofball right?” He grinned against my mouth, while his hand slipped lower and squeezed.

“Yeah, but it’s a fantastic feeling. You’ve made me happier than I’ve been in a long time.”

We stopped speaking and kissed, and I felt my knees go weak at the taste of him. I knew things were going to be different after this evening and so we were able to make the kiss gentler, none of the frantic clashing of lips that we’d been making do with for the last few weeks. This was slow, firm, and intoxicating. When we broke off, Bucky rested his forehead against mine as we both fought to regain control of our breath.

“We should get out there doll, just… give me a minute.” I slid my hand down the outside of his trousers, teasingly, as he groaned. “That’s not going to help!”

Stepping back, I gave Bucky space while I put my shoes on, then hand-in-hand, we headed for the elevator.

The whole floor of function rooms had been transformed, Tony having gone a little overboard. We had dinner in one room, fantastic food, at a table full of my friends. It was a little odd that everyone at the table kept making jokes about how ‘Bucky was going to get lucky’ that night, surely it wasn’t normal for all your friends to know about your sex life? By the time the meal was over, a combination of wine, nerves, excitement, and the feel of Bucky’s hand hot and heavy on my thigh, had meant I’d long since stopped caring. That and knowing that these people just wanted me to be happy.

After the meal, we had our photos taken, hamming it up for the photographer with cheesy poses that would either make us look back and laugh, or wince, when the pictures came through. The rooms were full with Stark employees, ex-SHIELD agents and staff, families and friends, all making their way through rooms filled with an odd mix of silver stars, balloons and crepe paper jellyfish. It was perfect.

Our group came together and broke apart throughout the evening, but Bucky was my constant. Our hands barely stopped touching all night, and when they did it was just so we could wrap our arms around each other instead. Dancing with Bucky was just as seductive as it had been the first time, an excuse to stand close together, to move in time, to ignore the rest of the world and focus on the physical sensations. Kissing Bucky while we danced, I was glad of the music to drown out the pants and gasps I wasn’t able to hold back. The anticipation of the rest of the night was almost unbearable.

Part way through the evening, the music came to a halt and Tony appeared on the stage, microphone in hand.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you ALL for coming to this most bizarre Prom! A more wonderful collection of misfits could not be found. And as the organiser – and funder – of this extravaganza, it’s my duty and pleasure to announce the Prom King and Queen!”

He flourished an envelope as Bucky whispered ‘you didn’t vote right? This is a Tony fix!’ in my ear. Tony pulled out a piece of paper and made a pretend gasp of amazement.

“Who would have guessed, how could it be?! Please make your way to the stage to be crowned… Captain America and Molegirl!”

The crowd was all laughing as Steve and I stepped up onto the stage, embarrassed but amused. Tony insisted on his rights as compere to kiss the Queen, then made Steve blush further by insisting on kissing him too. I’m sure I saw tongues and Steve looked completely befuddled when Tony let him up for air.

With crowns and sashes, Steve and I made our way to the dance floor for our first dance. I could see Bucky over Steve’s shoulder, tears of delight in his eyes as we shuffled together.

“Let’s do this properly Ruby,” Steve smiled at me. I could see that behind the embarrassment, he was secretly thrilled by everything, the big kid in him never really lost. Our crowns sliding about, Steve wrapped his arms around me and dipped and spun me, playing up to the moment. As everyone else started dancing again, he calmed down, hugging me to him.

“Thank you, for everything you’ve done for Buck.” He gave me a squeeze as he spoke. “I know he thinks I want the old Bucky back, the pre-Hydra, pre-Winter Soldier, pre-war one. I know he’s gone, but it’s still so good to see this Buck so happy. And it’s down to you.” He kissed the top of my head, then dipped me again. “And it’s just as good to see you happy too.”

He pulled me up and spun me again, straight into Bucky’s waiting arms, then with a regal bow, wandered off, no doubt to look for Sharon.

All this craziness, from cinema dates to prom, had taken three months. It’s amazing what a team of super-intelligent super-powered people can do when they’re bored. But in that three months, Bucky and I hadn’t done more than some major make out sessions. By now I was pretty much ready to hump a table and I was fairly sure that Bucky felt the same, but working through his list had been important to him and to be honest, I had loved just doing some fun, crazy, relaxing, stupid stuff. There’d been some real team bonding; we were a family now and that family mattered. 

Nothing stopped the nightmares that still came at times, and I still needed to talk to Sam because there were days when my anxiety blew up; when I didn’t believe that I was needed or wanted, or that I deserved all this; and there were days when the guilt I felt about being happy, when I’d killed so many people, filled my head. But on those days, there was Sam to talk me down; Natasha who understood what that was like; Bruce who’d just tuck me under one arm and talk science to me until I was distracted. Tony would nod sympathetically and then depending on his mood, take me out to do barrel rolls in the quinjet or else hide under a blanket with me and watch reruns of old black and white movies. Wanda would let me look in her head, where you can’t lie, to see how much she cared. And through all that, Bucky would be there, for whatever I needed, whenever.

He’d ask Jarvis to let him know if I had a nightmare, and he’d appear in my room and hold me. When I was panicky, he’d ground me by sitting and singing to me, in a darkened room. When I stopped believing I was loved, he’d hold me and kiss me, and describe in detail how he loved my fingers, for being willing to touch his scars; how he loved my lips, for kissing him and making him feel whole; how he loved my eyes, because they never looked at him with horror, just as he never looked at me that way. He’d tell me how much the team needed me, how I provided the balance to Tony, the friend Natasha needed, the willing ear to Bruce when no one else understood, the prank partner to Sam and Clint. When I felt overcome with guilt, I knew he understood and we’d reassure each other silently. I hoped, and believed, that I did the same for Bucky. He was further along in his ‘recovery’ than me, but the memories of what he’d done as the Winter Soldier, and what had been done to him, were always there, and I supported him through those as much as he supported me.

Those three months had brought us closer together emotionally, but physically Bucky had been adamant that we wait. We’d kissed so much those months that I was a wonder our lips didn’t bleed. And now tonight, we both knew that there’d be a lot more than that. We were in each other’s arms, dancing – or at least, swaying together, while trying to keep as much of our bodies in contact as possible. 

“You know I like you, right?” Bucky’s mouth was near my ear and I could feel his breath, warm, as he spoke.

“It’s been mentioned. And I picked up on some subtle clues.” I lifted my chin to look at him, even in heels I was still shorter than he was. “And you know I like you too, right?”

“Kinda guessed. D’you want to get out of here?”

I didn’t bother replying. I just pulled his hand and walked to the elevator. I could hear Bucky chuckling behind me.

Don’t get me wrong, I was nervous. I’d never done this before. But I knew how Bucky made me feel and if I didn’t get more of him soon, I’d burst, or melt, or something. And, most importantly, I trusted him. To take it slow if I was anxious, to make me feel good, to take the lead but to show me how. Damn, that elevator couldn’t come soon enough.

When we got to Bucky’s room, the nerves did kick in harder. All the old anxieties about not being deserving of someone I cared about, not being worthy of happiness, plus a whole host more anxieties about not knowing what I was doing, about my scars, about how much I wanted to make Bucky feel good. The anxiety must have shown on my face. Bucky pulled me into him, and tangled his hand in my hair, pulling my head back slightly. He pressed a chaste kiss on my lips, then spoke quietly.

“Forget the list. Forget everything. It’s just us two here and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want.” He kissed my forehead and I leant myself against him fully. I could feel the shape of his muscles, shifting inside his suit as he moved, his thighs adjusting to support my weight, his arm around my waist. Eyes shut, I let myself relax, then slowly showed him I was ready through the way I moved against him.

“I want you. James.” He let out a small growl at the sound of his name. I stepped away from him, biting my lip as he tugged once at my hair before letting go, then reached up to undo the button at my neck, the only fastening holding my dress on.

As the fabric of my dress slithered down my body, pooling on the floor at my feet, Bucky’s head fell back, his eyes still on mine, as he moaned hard and loud. I was trying hard not to hide myself; I knew that Bucky had seen me naked before, and I’d fought and trained nude with Hydra. But this was so different and I felt more exposed than before.

I stepped forward, out of the dress, and started to take off Bucky’s suit. The tie had come off at some point during the evening so with the jacket off, I could slowly start to undo his shirt. His breath was coming deep and hot as I slowly undid each button, running my fingernail down each new piece of exposed skin. When the last button was undone, I pushed the shirt off his shoulders and Bucky quickly pulled the sleeves over his wrists. I ran my fingernails back up and down his chest, noting how he bit his lips and closed his eyes. I leant forward and licked across one of his nipples, then gently teased it with my teeth as he moaned and pulled me in tighter. I felt his hand slip down from my back to grasp my buttocks, pulling me close and then, with his supersoldier strength, lifting me up. My legs wrapped around his waist and I could feel him, hard, against me through his trousers. His skin was hot against mine and the sensation was overwhelming.

Bucky carried me over to his bed and gently lay me down, then watching me for signs of anxiety, removed my underwear, leaving me naked and exposed. He stood back up and for a moment just looked at me. I felt my lip start to tremble with nerves under his gaze, until I looked at his face and realised what I was seeing. He was lost in the sight of me, his eyes dark, his tongue running over his lips. I whispered ‘hey, James?’ and his eyes snapped up to mine, a sheepish grin on his lips.

“You don’t know just how beautiful you are, sweetheart.”

I sat up and pulled myself forward to the end of the bed, near to him, and then keeping our eyes in contact, I reached forward and unbuttoned his trousers, slowly, then slid his trousers and boxers down, letting my hands run over the smooth skin on his thighs. Bucky shuddered and let his eyes fall close for a second, blinking them open in shock almost immediately at the feel of my lips on his stomach. He watched as I kissed my way down his stomach, then up his thighs, taunting him, and then with a groan kicked off his shoes and socks, shaking his trousers off and nearly falling over, until we were both naked, giggling, and wrapped in each other’s arms on the bed.

Bucky pulled himself over on top of me, pinning my arms down above my head and then running his fingers lightly down my side, smiling as I squirmed beneath him.

“Sweetheart. Baby. Darlin’” Each word was punctuated with a kiss, leaving me breathlessly following his mouth with mine. “I’m yours till the end of the line. So there’s no need to rush things. Whatever happens tonight, or doesn’t, it’s OK.” He kissed me again and I nodded.

“I meant what I said. I want you James”

At that, all restraint was gone. Bucky’s mouth was everywhere on me, kissing my lips, biting my neck, sucking its way down to my breasts, leaving me unable to think about anything except the way it felt. He slowed down as he moved further down my body and my hands gripped his hair with a sense of desperation as I tried to retain some control of myself. I could feel his metal fingers still circling and pinching my nipples as his warm mouth moved lower, biting my skin, sucking against my scars then blowing cool air across the warm dampness. The sensations were overwhelming and my hatred for my scars was transformed as Bucky lavished them with attention. 

My small gasps turned to louder moans as Bucky pushed my legs apart and grazed his teeth up the inside of my thighs. My skin was on fire and I could feel my hips bucking as I wanted his lips on me. Months of pent-up emotions, of teasing kisses and cold showers, had left me desperate and I wanted it all, at once, but Bucky was taking things slowly, drawing out the pleasure and the pain. 

He pushed my legs further apart, and as I felt his tongue on me, I called out his name, my head falling back. He moved back to kissing and biting my thigh, so near and yet so tantalisingly far from what I wanted, and I let out a desperate whimpering plea. The whimper turned into a gasp as he moved back to licking me, and I felt his fingers push inside me. He kept up the pace, licking and pushing, and I lost all track of time, my brain a fog of wine and pleasure. I could hear myself calling ‘oh James, oh fuck, oh god, Bucky’, over and over, faster and faster, my speed matching his. My hips were writhing on the bed and I was clutching handfuls of the sheet, now unable to form words and just letting out gasps of pleasure. I could feel a deep throbbing inside me, growing and growing as I rocked my hips up and down, then suddenly I was shaking, my legs spasming as I threw my head back and came. 

The room was a blur as I opened my eyes, overloaded with pleasure. I whimpered as Bucky withdrew his fingers and then again, with pleasure, as I felt him kiss his way back up my body until he was lying on top of me, his full weight pinning me down. My body was still shivering with lust and I could feel Bucky’s hand shaking with desire as he ran his fingers up my throat. He’d been waiting just as long as I had for this and as I came down, I ran my fingers down his spine, and felt his muscles twitch with need. A low throaty growl worked its way out of his mouth as my hands reached his backside and pulled him against me tighter. My brain was working again and I was torn between desperately wanting all of Bucky and first-time nerves. 

I could feel Bucky holding back, aware of what I was feeling, but I didn’t want him to pull away completely. I ran my hands back up to his head, tangled my fingers in his hair, and murmured ‘don’t stop’. He turned his head to kiss me and we clashed noses and teeth awkwardly, giggling helplessly, the fumbling and lack of success bringing us back together emotionally. I was more relaxed again and I wanted Bucky so much.

Bucky took hold of my head and turned my chin towards him, keeping our eyes in contact. Our bodies were rolling against each other and we were both breathing deep and ragged. I could tell Bucky was finding it hard to find words now.

“It’s OK to stop.” I knew if I said I needed to stop, Bucky wouldn’t hesitate and there’d be no recriminations. But that knowledge was more than enough to make me want him more. I bit down on his collar bone, making him yell, then licked my tongue across the mark.

“I still want you James. Please.”

He stretched out, reaching for something beside the bed and the movement brought his body further across mine. The extra weight, the feeling of being trapped, made me moan with pleasure, and I saw Bucky look back down towards me, smiling knowingly.

A rustle and some fumbling and I knew he’d put a condom on. My heart was racing with nerves and desire as Bucky moved both my arms above my head and held them down with his metal hand. He let his flesh hand slide down from my hands, all the way down my side, while I whimpered and wriggled beneath him, then he slid his hand back up to my throat and held it firmly. I was gasping with need now, and I could feel Bucky twitching against me. Our eyes locked on each other, I felt Bucky pushing inside me, agonisingly slowly. I could feel myself frown with the mixture of pain and delight, my eyes closing against my will then snapping open as I winced and gasped. He stopped instantly.

“You ok baby?”

I could feel him starting to withdraw, and wrapped my legs around him, digging my heels into him to hold him still.

“I’m OK, just need a second.” He held himself unmoving, watching me and waiting, as my breath relaxed and then I slowly started rolling my hips against him, opening myself up on him at my own pace, his mouth falling open and eyes glazing as he watched me from above. After a moment I nodded, and he started moving inside me, matching his gentle thrusts to mine. My breath was harder to catch as my nerves fired all over my body, my skin tingling matching the sharp pain inside, the pain never overwhelming the pleasure that was running through me. 

I was moving faster now, and Bucky was matching my movements still. His head had dropped to his chest and he’d let my arms go, resting on his forearms beside my shoulders. I held onto his arms, using his body as a rock to push myself against, harder and faster now. Bucky’s eyes were closed and his forehead was glistening with sweat. He was making soft moans now, whimpering my name as he thrust. I lifted my head, needing to kiss him and his tongue was hot in my mouth but we were both too unco-ordinated to kiss for long now. Bucky’s breathing was getting ragged and his eyes were unfocussed but he tried to pull himself back as he saw me wincing again.

“What’s… you ok…?”

“Oh god… yes. Please”

With that word, he pushed against me harder and faster. My eyes screwed up tight as I saw stars and was overcome with the sheer physical exhilaration. I felt Bucky thrust inside me once, twice more, then with a harsh groan, he came, my legs wrapped around him still. We were both panting, sweat sticking our chests together, my hands gripping his arms. He collapsed onto me, planting sloppy exhausted kisses against my neck as I hummed with pleasure. He lifted his head to kiss me, smiling with ridiculous pleasure as he missed my mouth and caught my cheek, then rolling off me and out of me, falling onto his back beside me on the bed and pulling in deep breaths.

As his breath became steadier, he rolled onto his side, grabbing my hand and pulling it up to kiss each knuckle.

“Are you ok? Did I hurt you?”

I pulled our joined hands over to my mouth and tenderly bit his fingers, smirking against each one.

“I’m good. So good. Bit sore but good sore. So good.” I flopped back onto my back and he pulled himself nearer. “My muscles won’t move. I think I’m dead. I’m Ok with that”. I lifted one arm and let it flop to the mattress bonelessly. “See, dead.”

“You make a beautiful corpse,” Bucky grinned against my skin, then sighed. “One minute.”

He got up and headed for the bathroom, where I heard water running. He came back a moment later, condom gone and glass of water in hand. He took a mouthful and then held it for me to drink before falling back down next to me on his back. I rolled against him, and rested my head on his arm, tracing patterns on his chest with my fingers. I let myself relax into his arms, feeling beautifully drowsy and cared for. My eyes half-closed, I heard his voice.

“You know I said I liked you?” I looked up and met his eyes. “I love you, Ruby.”

I looked up and met his eyes. There would be days I wouldn’t believe him but he’d always be there to convince me. 

“I love you too, Bucky.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaand.... that's all folks!
> 
> Bucky's list, checked off, and with comment from some of the other Avengers, is at http://marvel-lucy.tumblr.com/post/149566748334/buckys-list - thank you to Bellenoir for the idea of making it! :D


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